Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Working Mom

First of all. Every. Single. Person. told me it would be hard to get back to work. Many people laughed when I said I was only taking four weeks off before returning a few days a week. I listened to these people. I believed them. I shrugged it off and said it had to be done. I would make it work. I would be ok.

And let me tell you. Despite their persistent, unanimous caution, I had NO clue how hard it really would be. Absolutely no sense of what this would feel like.

It is so indescribably hard.

I've cried. I've gotten angry. I've questioned life. I've questioned everything I've ever thought about money, careers and motherhood. And then I started working. And it's gotten better. Not great. Not easy, but better.
And I have to say, I don't even have it that bad. I'm working 2-4 days a week. Most days I'm gone less than 6 hours. So I don't even know what it feels like to be a full time working mom. But this is enough for me to know that I don't want to know what 40 hours a week feels like.

The hardest part to comprehend is that in my mind I know my baby is fine while I'm gone. I know she is sleeping about 70 percent of the time I'm gone. I know she's eating a bottle of my milk with no problem and she is being left with people who love and adore her. But somehow it still breaks my heart and still causes incredible anxiousness.

I remember a friend describing her drive home to me once she'd returned to work after having her daughter (hi K!). She told me she would speed home, and even drive recklessly in an effort to shave off one minute of her commute. She needed to be with her daughter that badly. I remember reading this and truly feeling for her. But somehow it did not compute until I was there: speeding, hoping for green lights, racing to my (sleeping) daughter.

We don't have our child care completely ironed out. For the most part she is with B's mom who does travel a few times a year for long stretches of time. We have a couple of friends who are excited to have her, but since my work schedule is far from predictable, it's really hard to get everyone's schedules together each week. But so far it's working and we're just taking it day by day.

I know soon enough I'll probably feel the need for a break from my child, and will want to be more social as well. But for now, now matter how hard I try to relax, I still find myself rushing home to her each day that I'm gone. I just keep trying to convince myself it will get easier...

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Christmastime is Here

I'm not shy about how excited I get for Christmas. This is an especially exciting year. Our first in this home and our first with our daughter.

E is my favorite new decoration! I just love all the Christmas outfits!

Monday, December 10, 2012


It finally happened. It was week three of E's life with us. I was riding in the back seat with her, B driving. One of our first errands out. As I gazed out the back seat window I realized. Bremy. I hadn't thought of Bremy. It had been a day. I knew it wasn't two days because there had been a conversation about her then. But one day. A whole day had passed where she did not enter my mind. I didn't see her as I drifted off to sleep. Didn't tighten at the thought of her. Didn't swallow and refuse the tears. I'll admit, I never thought this would happen.

I just sat there and stared at E, sleeping peacefully in her car seat. Riding in the car we had bought thinking we'd have a child in it one day. And instead of tears came a smile and a deep breath and a feeling of my heart literally filling. A warmness I'd been yearning for. I didn't feel the huge hole. I didn't feel the brokenness.  My heart was being pieced back together by this beautiful little girl.

There have been several times where we see Bremy in her face. Or stare at her footprints on E's nursery wall. But it's so much less painful now that E is here. Instead of raw pain, there's a certain allowance to the memory. I'm not so sure how to explain it. Almost a feeling of true acceptance of her loss. She's gone and it happened. And now E has happened and somehow that makes the story easier to tell and easier to accept. It also makes it easier to skip a day. To not be consumed by the trauma and sadness. B and I both had some tears a few days ago when we heard a story similar to ours. It was hard to hear of anyone else suffering the way we had. I did cry. But then I stopped. And I felt better. Skipping a day doesn't mean we will forget, or that it will stop hurting, it just means a scar has formed where a gaping hole once was. And that scar feels a lot better.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Two Months Old

It's been so busy around our home lately. I love it, but I'm glad to finally have a moment to sit down and reflect. B and I had a flu bug a couple weeks ago, and it knocked us out for 24 hours, respectively. Luckily E was such a cooperative baby. Not being able to care for her like I'm used to was worse than the flu itself.

 My mom was here for the week before Thanksgiving and then my Dad drove up and joined us for the holiday , along with my brother and his girlfriend. It was so nice having so much help and Ellie soaked up all of the constant attention.

Eloise is now two months old and is still changing so fast! She celebrated her first Halloween  and now first Thanksgiving and Baptism. We had a houseful for Thanksgiving and scheduled the baptism for Saturday to take advantage of my family all being in the same place at once!

Eloise at Two Months:

Weight: 11 pounds 8oz at 10 weeks
Height:   22 inches long
Head:   39 centimeters
Diaper size-We are using size one disposables and are fitting into the smallest setting on our Alva Baby Pockets, Bum Genius Elementals and Bum Genius 4.0s. They are fitting better now that her legs have some chub!

Clothing Size: Now 3-6 months. The 0-3 are very suddenly too short!

Milestones:  Lots of cooing and blabbering and expression. Smiling all the time. Sleeping 9 hours at night consistently! You love to look at yourself in the mirror and like your swing now where you can see yourself in the mirror and smile. 

Events to Remember:   

10/31- First Halloween- you were an Elephant! It was a rainy evening and we didn't get many trick or treaters. We hear this neighborhood doesn't get many. It was our first year in this house so I definitely over-bought in the candy department. You did meet some neighbors who came to the door, but it was a pretty quiet night. 

11/22- First Thanksgiving. We hosted both Grandmas and Grandpas, Uncle T and Auntie S. Lots of food and fun. The weather was perfection. Sunny and warm. We did our traditional 2 turkeys-one deep fried and one baked. Everything was perfectly delicious. You slept right through dinner which was rather nice for Daddy and me!

11/24- Baptism Day. We scheduled this pretty last minute. Your Great-Grandmom was able to get us in at her church for a private baptism. You woke up cranky that morning and were a little fussy through the baptism but we were able to get you calm for some pictures. It was lovely! Your Godmother, Auntie J and her parents were there along with Godfather Uncle T (of course) . We went out to brunch afterwards and had everyone back at the house to hang out and visit. It was a really great day.