Fiancé Meeting You Here

The Shoulders We Cry On

2011-11-26T23:04:00.000-08:00

I am haunted. Haunted by the day I gave birth to a dead baby. Every single night, when I close my eyes, I see the eyes who entered that room. Just their eyes. It's like a really horrible slide show. I see B's eyes. So, so red. So swollen. I see my handsome young Doctor's eyes. So dark brown. So helpless. I see B's cousin's eyes. She was the first one to get there after B that morning. She was so, so sad. I'd never seen her so sad. I see my MIL's eyes. So bewildered. So helpless. I see by best friend's eyes. So strong, so caring. I see my friend N's eyes. She started to walk in the room while I was pushing and I motioned for her to leave. She looked so worried. Her eyes so wide. It was obvious she had rolled out of bed and come straight to the hospital and sped the entire 45 minutes to the hospital. I found out later that she had, and when I had waved her off, she stood outside the door and sobbed.

I'll never forget the hugs each of those people gave me, as I laid in that bed, trying to get my 23 week, 5 day baby out. My mom was en route from Southern California the whole morning, so having all of those people there for support meant the absolute world to me. They cried with me, comforted me and also distracted me enough so that I could make it through. Two of my best friends from childhood had been planning on driving up to visit with me for that weekend. I texted them not to come, and now I kind of wish I would have told them to still come up. It would have been really good to have them there, but I just felt bad having them come up to such a traumatic scene. They were both on pins and needles trying to decide what to do. I found out later my mom had also called and told them she didn't think they should come up. So many people around us, holding us so close that day. I'll never, ever forget that morning in the hospital. Even when I try, not a day goes by that I don't relive that awful slideshow.

Then we were home. And my mother in law and her husband had gone to our house several hours before and cleaned the place from top to bottom. She changed my sheets. She straightened the towels. It felt amazing to come home to. And my best friend stayed. And went and got dinner for everyone. And she distracted me. She let me cry. We went out for breakfast with my mom and B the next morning. I'm so glad she stuck around. Without her the three of us would have never stopped crying.

I try not to be really personal on facebook. I have so many "friends" that I don't really talk to, and don't really want knowing my business, but I just had to announce our loss. I had to get it out there in one fell swoop...so I posted about losing Bremy.

Then I got emails, texts, facebook comments. From so many. I heard from people I hadn't talked to in ten years. I heard from my college roommate-even though we now rarely speak. And she told me how sorry she was. I got flowers from B's boss, from a girl I hadn't seen since 11th grade and some friends we just reconnected with. I got a giftcard for a dinner out from a friend I never see. We received the most beautiful flowers from a friend of a friend who had recently had a baby girl. I found that most of those people who really reached out, were moms. Everyone knew I was hurting, but the friends I have who are moms, really knew I was hurting. I had strangers messaging me on facebook, telling me they also went through this, or they also had an incompetent cervix and they shared their stories of grief and shared their stories of success. And I hung on every word. I can't describe the level of comfort each message, each flower, each card meant to me in the weeks following that day. I was so, so weak and broken and knowing that anyone was thinking of me, made me feel less so.

I'm so thankful for every single friend in our lives. It was so hard for me to be so weak and to depend on friends to get me through. I'm much more comfortable at being the shoulder that others cry on. And I could tell some of my friends struggled with how to be there for me, since I'm not usually the type to ask for help or seek comfort. I'm usually the one giving it. But they found a way. It continues to be a struggle for me to really reach out, but I still have friends checking in on me, and just knowing that they understand how hard I'm taking this is bringing me some comfort. I'm so grateful to have so many I can rely on at this point.

Girl Time

2011-11-16T08:12:00.001-08:00

I got a good dose of girl time this past weekend and it was just what I needed. Thursday night I went solo to our neighbors house for some wine, cheese and laughs. I stayed there til way too late laughing until my belly hurt. S and I went through decorating blogs and laughed and poked fun at some of the before and after pictures. We each had our comments and had each other rolling with laughter. We woke her hubby up (B's best friend) and he wanted to know what was so funny. It's hard to explain to someone why chevron print curtains and aqua painted patio furniture is cause for squeals at midnight! Just a girl thing I guess!

Friday was a holiday and I met some co-workers to celebrate one of their birthdays. We ended up chatting for a couple hours. I headed home early, knowing I had to get up early to go wine tasting on Saturday.

This was our second annual Winter wine tasting trip. Three of my girlfriends from B's hometown have late December birthdays, so we picked an earlier date to get together and celebrate. B's hometown is just over the hill from the Napa Valley. We had a big van and a driver (one of the girls boyfriends :)) and headed out for a full day of wine, laughs and general tipsy fun. It was a blast once again. A few new girls joined us and it just amazes me how much fun we can have. Everyone in this group just gets along so well.

I was definitely feeling the effects the next morning. Luckily Sunday was just me and B doing our Sunday football routine. I planned meals for the week and took a long bath. It was amazing to really take my mind off things, if even for a couple days.

It's been hard to get back on track this week with my healthy eating after this weekend o' fun, but I'm determined to stay on track. After all, December is just around the corner!

It's Friday and My House is Clean!

2011-11-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

I would seriously give up almost any of my monthly utilities to keep my housekeepers. I've had my housekeepers for a year and a half. I'd never, ever had one before in any capacity. Even though I do not work long hours, and it's just me and B in a modest 3 bedroom ranch, I felt the need to have one. I hated that feeling of always needing to clean. I never felt like there was a day when the entire house was clean all at once. Sure the bathrooms and kitchen would be clean, but I'd have piles of laundry to fold, sheets to change, duvets to wash. It was just never ending and so unsatisfying. So I went on our neighborhood website and read reviews of local cleaning companies. I decided on a family run company (3 sisters) and called them up. My Fridays tend to be flexible, so I had them come do an initial cleaning and then hired them to come every other week.

I'll never, ever forget the feeling I felt when they left after the first cleaning. I felt like weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, I felt giddy. It was seriously one of the best feelings ever-it pretty much had the same effect as a massage does. I look forward to those Fridays So much now.

Having them in my life has made me SO much more on top of organizing and picking up. I know they are coming, so surfaces have to be cleared (ie no mountain of clean laundry on the guest bed) so that they can actually clean and do their work. I now see what our house looks like when it's *sparkling* and that encourages me to keep it looking that way at all times. So on the weeks they don't come, it' still pretty easy to just tidy up quickly and have a 100% clean house.

I can skip the really yucky and really difficult stuff. I haven't gotten on my knees in the bathroom since I hired them. I just do a touch-up toiled clean on the weeks they don't come-and that does the trick! I have them clean my fridge about every other month--and y'all--it looks brand new when they are done. I don't think I could match it if I tried! They do windows--they do it all. Yep. I'm in love.

The weekend is now mine! When they leave on Friday morning I feel like I have the weekend to just relax. I'm no longer waking up early on Saturday to clean the house before we go do what we have planned for the weekend. I wake up and sigh, my house is already clean!!!

They've taught me how it's done. I thought my house was clean before they came-but I see now how to deep clean properly and I love that I've learned some things from them!

Obviously, if money got really tight, I'd have to forego this luxury, but trust me when I say I would give a lot up before I got rid of my girls on Friday! The cost is actually extremely reasonable, and in my mind completely worth it. What are you waiting for?

Self Doubt

2011-11-08T21:02:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been realizing how much I doubt myself, and doubt the world around me. I also realized that I've been feeling this negativity more and more, even before we lost Bremy. Tonight, I got to thinking about it more seriously and my mind went on for a while, backtracking through the years, wondering when I let this darker side into my life.

I was never like this as a child. I wasn't like this as a teenager. Sure, I struggled with some issues of self-consciousness, especially with my weight. But, I always thought really highly of myself as a person and always thought of myself as smart, popular and fun. I always knew what I wanted, and never doubted that I would get it. I wanted to do well in school, so I did. I wanted to go to a certain college, and I went there. I wanted to travel, I wanted to be close with my family and close with my friends and I was. I was always dreaming of my next goal. It wasn't an intentional goal setting exercise, it was just my personality. Life was just wide open, in my eyes.

I think the world crashed in on me a little in college. I had never attended private school before, and I was not prepared for the true culture shock of a "rich kid" school. My hand-me-down Honda Accord was perfectly fine in high school, but suddenly it was the hoopty amongst the brand new bimmers, land rovers and lexus. I also caught on quickly that I wasn't the only over-achiever in my class and that not every accomplishment would come as easily as it had in high school, where, whether it did or not, I assumed my reputation as an excellent student and mature young woman preceeded me. I was schocked that there were sororities that didn't invite me back to their preference night. I felt my self confidence slowly slipping. I ended up having a great group of friends and a lot of fun and success in college, but I don't think I held my head as high.

Then, there was law school. I walked through those doors feeling as though I didn't belong. In my mind I barely even got in to this top school, and I felt the need to hide rather than shine. Law school itself is based on a method of breaking you down. They call it the socratic method, meant to make you think better on your feet, but it could not have been any worse for my self esteem and learning ability. My once outspoken, confident, joyful self could barely drag myself to class, much less participate and defend myself to an esteemed professor or self-righteous classmates. I think I hated every single minute of class in law school, except for my Criminal Procedure and Evidence classes. I knew in my heart that I had found B at that time so that I could actually make it through. I made very few friends in law school and needed a friend and shoulder when class was done, and that was B.

While I made it through law school with no problems academically, I was not at the top of my class and wasn't earning any awards or recognition. It was so foreign to me to be in the middle of the pack and I just could not identify with my so called "place" in that environment. I just hated it. I'll never forget, right around graduation, the assistant dean of the law school scheduled meetings with every student who was not at the top of the class. It was a meeting to discuss our bar study plans. I naively scheduled my meeting and realized very quickly that this meeting was meant to remind me that I'd probably have to work extra hard, as my law school performance was a great indicator that I probably would not succeed in passing the bar exam on the first try.

I cried the whole way home from that meeting. B was ready to drive down to his office and punch him in the face. We both just could not believe that they thought this negative reinforcement would help me pass the bar exam?

But it did, my mantra during my whole bar study was "F this school" I'm going to pass and show them! And I did. And I seriously felt like marching in there and telling them that their lack of faith in me was obviously misplaced. But I never did, I was too busy working, being the lawyer they weren't sure I could be. That was a definite confident booster, but still. I didn't feel all that successful.

I was lucky enough to have a boss that summer who saw promise in me. Even though I had passed the exam, I still had a hard time believing that I was smart enough to practice law. I had been so incredibly broken by law school. I questioned everything I did, but my boss always told me I was good enough, and he hired me on as an attorney as soon as I passed the bar.

You'd think that would give me some confidence, and I'm sure it did a bit. I'm proud of myself. I know I'm a good lawyer for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes I know I could work harder and give more effort, but for the most part I feel like I'm good at what I do, and I love what I do. But when I think back to that high school girl. The girl who always knew she would be a lawyer, the girl who did everything she set out to do and was always dreaming, I realize I'm not that same person. The reality of finances, life plans, age, disappointed, loss, the real world have set in. They've set in so much that I find myself worrying more and dreaming less.

I dreamt of finding B, and I found him. I dreamt of my wedding, and I did feel like it was everything I had envisioned and was so happy to see such a fun project come to fruition. I dreamt of my baby and was so happy she came to us so easily. I was so excited to start dreaming of our life with her and everything that came with my pregnancy and family. And it was so suddenly stolen from me that I feel even more out of touch with my dreams now that I have so much fear of my future.

I know that we change and evolve and grow. I know that life makes us stronger and smarter, but I'd be lying if I said I don't want that old girl back. The one who saw life as being wide open. As if the world was hers for the taking. The girl who never doubted she would become an attorney, get married, have children, decorate a dream home and have a lake house. I feel like this girl is being chipped away at. Like my spirit is just fading. I am determined to get her back, I can't let this year steal my spirit.

My Grams

2011-11-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

On October 26th, I lost my beautiful, inspiring Grandmother. My mom was very, very close with her mother, so in turn, I was extremely close to her as well. I talked to her every week and relied on her for all of my domestic-related questions. She was so strong, so loved, and so beautiful.

I hadn't talked about this with anyone, but when my Grams became sick last December, I felt a need to get pregnant. I felt ready, and also felt an urgency to have a child before my Grams was no longer with us. I never told anyone, because I know that's not a real reason to start a family, but it most definitely played a role in my enthusiasm for getting pregnant. I was so hopeful that my baby would meet her great-grandmother. In my mind I envisioned how awesome it would be for her to hold my baby, and sew her blankets and bedding and all that good stuff. I envisioned the photos of the two of them, of the three of us. I just wanted that to come true.

When I lost Bremy, I knew that this dream would not become reality. My Grams' health had deteriorated quite rapidly over the summer, and I knew there was no way she would make it to see our next child. That day, from the hospital bed, I wept and sobbed to my mother and told her how sad I was that Grams would never know my children. It broke my heart into a thousand pieces, and still does. The thought that my child will never meet my Grams is very, very hard on me. My Grams is so, so important in my life and such a guiding force in my future as a mother.

The don't make women like my Grams anymore. Women who live completely for their family with absolutely no concern for themselves. Her joy came completely from her family (and maybe from a Bingo game or two).

I am having such a hard time remembering she is not here. She got very sick last December and had been having complications since then, but it really only affected her body. Her mind was always 100%. I still called her every week. I still dialed her number in the middle of a recipe with a question.

So, this week as I prepared a pot roast, which isn't something I usually make, I started to dial her number and shed some tears when I realized I couldn't call her to ask her how she did it.

Thanksgiving will be so hard for me, as it was always a time when we would either cook together or have phone conversations about techniques and recipes. I have perfected her stuffing and always let her know how great it turns out. I'm really going to miss all of our little traditions.

But, I'm so thankful to have them. I'm so thankful for her leadership and guidance in being a woman, a wife and someday, a mother. It's so hard to find the words to describe how I feel about her and how important she was and will be to me throughout my life.

To say the last few months have been hard would be an understatement. I can feel life chipping away at my spirit, but I'm trying so hard to be strong and to find happiness and joy in the people and love that is around me everyday. I know for certain there are good things to come for me and my family. And am so thankful that I've had 28 years of love and memories with my beautiful Grandma.

The Good News is

2011-11-07T05:00:00.000-08:00

I was feeling overwhelmed. Thinking about getting pregnant again, thinking about what it would take. I was overwhelmed thinking about money, the bigger picture of our finances and how we would manage. B saw me starting to get upset and he asked what was stressing me out so much at that moment. I told him. "Babies, money" and started to cry. He hugged my shoulders and with so much hope and love in his eyes he said, "The good news is we can make more of both". My heart absolutely melted. While it may not always be, or seem that easy. It's the truth. I have to remember to keep perspective.

When Gallbladders Attack

2011-11-06T21:04:00.000-08:00

One of my first nights out, post-losing Bremy, I met up with some girlfriends and enjoyed enchilada soup and salad at Chili's. Had a wonderful time getting out and about, came home and found myself hovered over in severe pain. I was practically screaming in pain and B had no idea what to do. I felt nauseous, and eventually threw up and instantly felt better. Was it food poisoning? Wasn't sure...all I knew was that it was over.

The next day we headed out early to visit some friends. I had about three sips of B's frappucino and was again, doubled over in pain. I excused myself to their bathroom and felt like I would throw up again. No such luck. My friend came into the bathroom and saw me, beet red and sweating and was so worried. Ten minutes later, I was fine.

Since giving birth, my body was on a roller coaster ride. My sleep, my skin, my bowel movements, everything was out of whack. I also had a horrible bladder infection a few days after delivering. So, I just chalked this up to another post partum issue.

A couple weeks went by. Our friends came over to watch football on a Sunday morning and brought breakfast burritos. I chose a spicy, chorizo variety and was again doubled over in pain for about 15 minutes. Nothing would relieve it. But once it was gone, I was totally fine.

Again, on our anniversary we went out for mexican food and had to leave right after finishing because I was in so much pain.

I'm not sure what I thought it was, or why I wasn't more worried about it, but when I casually mentioned to my mom that we'd had to cut our anniversary dinner short, she was concerned. I described the horrible sharp pains that were really high in my abdomen, under my right boob and she practically screamed, "That's your gallbladder!!" I was actually walking into the gym as she told me, so while on the treadmill I googled and saw that I had every single classic sign. I made an appointment with my doctor that afternoon. I didn't want this to become as issue with me getting pregnant or in my next pregnancy.

My primary doctor scheduled me for an ultrasound and it was confirmed. Just over a week later I was scheduled for my outpatient gallbladder removal surgery.

I was told it's extremely common in women, although the exact cause is unknown. Fatty foods tend to trigger the attacks, and for the most part the issues don't go away without surgery. The surgery was laproscopic and within about four days I was feeling well enough to work. I took a light schedule this first week back, but felt completely 100% fine six days after the procedure.

I'm rockin' a few little incision marks, but overall it was a piece of cake.

I'd never, ever had surgery before, so this was another first for 2011. Fun times! But I'm just glad it was so "easy" comparatively!

Little Things

2011-10-19T18:51:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to share this necklace with you all. I purchased it at Forever21 recently, and wore it for the first time today. I received three compliments on it, including one from a man. It's always nice when people notice things you wear. It's called the black/gold flower and leaf necklace. And for $6.80, I figured I'd share in case you were looking for a little something to spruce up an outfit on the cheap. It has a nostalgic feel to it, and also reminds me of the famous van cleef clover necklace (which I've always wanted!).

I typically wear black every.single.day. Yep, it's just the way it is. Since I'm in and out of jails, I don't wear anything too fancy. So I always try to wear some jewelry so I don't look too drab!

October 15th is Miscarriage and Infant Loss Awareness Day

2011-10-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

These are Bremy's perfect footprints.

I never would have understood how much this type of loss hurts before I felt it myself. I hope those who continue to suffer find some peace today and I hope those who know someone who has lost a pregnancy or a baby will reach out and let those people know they care an that they remember. For some reason this is still a taboo, but it's the worst thing I've ever felt and I'm not afraid to talk about it.

Like a Smack in the Face

2011-10-08T21:13:00.001-07:00

We were having a great weekend. I had a girls night out last night and we stayed out way too late. B hung out with his friend (I was out with his wife) and he drove us home after we all had too many drinks. We slept in this morning and headed out to Ikea to look at some kitchen cabinets we have been eyeing. We were having a great time strolling around, coming up with ideas, looking at all of the display rooms. B has only been to Ikea once before, so he was taking it all in with me. As we made our way past the dresser section, I stopped at the hemnes dresser in white and casually mentioned that this would have been Bremy's dresser. I'd always planned on getting it and using it as a changing table for her nursery. I said it in passing, not giving it a ton of thought, but I looked at B's reaction and knew I'd upset him. He stared at the dresser for a long moment before joining the crowded shuffle following the arrows of the showroom floor. I rubbed his shoulder, gave him a sad face and apologized for upsetting him. We turned the corner, and were suddenly in the kids section. We both looked at each other with watery eyes and clasped hands as we briskly strolled by the pink butterfly room, perfect for a little girl. Around the next corner was a very pregnant lady, I dropped my eyes to the floor. Wow. It was hitting us from every angle. My eyes still down, I almost tripped over an abandoned city select double stroller, the sound of a laughing toddler in the background. I took a huge, deep breath. We couldn't get to the lower level fast enough.

We didn't spend much more time in the store. By the time we made it outside to the sunshine, we both were fine. But, it had been a tough moment. Even though we mention her name often, I think when B saw that dresser, he realized all of the plans we had had for her, for her room and for our future. It was a sad moment for him, and the bombardment of reminders that followed were almost laughable. But we weren't laughing. A friend of mine who lost her 20 year old sister a few years ago wrote to me after the loss of Bremy. She said, "it will never get better, just easier to cope with" and that is just exactly how we feel. We will never feel better about losing our first daughter, but recently, it's been getting easier. A month ago, that moment in Ikea would have broke me. I would have had to run out in tears. I know this. We are healing, but we'll always carry this scar. There will be more moments like this. But we know we are strong enough to handle what we're hit with.

Thursday

2011-10-06T08:44:00.000-07:00

So Pioneer Woman's Italian Chicken Soup was a definite fail last night. Such a bummer because it created quite the mess, took a lot of work, and made a ton of soup. It was edible, but not enjoyable. Not the result you want when you've worked hard in the kitchen.

I ate on plan all day once again! I've realized my "witching hour" is 4pm. I'm getting hungry, not ready to make dinner, don't want to eat a lot, but need to have something. That's when I'm typically craving a salty carb. Luckily I don't have much in the house to get me off track, but I've got to make sure to plan ahead for that snack.

Today is a grey, rainy day. I took advantage of my late start work day and slept in a little, enjoyed my cup of coffee and headed to the gym for a nice walk while watching house hunters! Now it's off to work and hopefully home early. I love, love my job!

Here's my meal plan today:

Bfast: coffee and greek yogurt with fruit

Snack: granola bar

Lunch: leftover soup(hoping it tastes better today!)

Snack: apple with peanut butter

Dinner: Pioneer Woman's Sour Cream Noodle Bake ok so this is not the healthiest meal, but it's easy and it looks like it can't go wrong. The secret will be sticking to an appropriate portion. My trick has been loading up a tupperware for leftovers prior to dishing out our own dinner. It's been working!

I have to say, it's been 2.5 days of being on track with food and I feel really, really good. My mood is awesome, my energy is good and I feel in control of things, which is always a good feeling. I'm ready to make it 7 days in a row!

Wednesday

2011-10-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

So I successfully went to the gym yesterday! Just a brisk walk on the treadmill, but it felt good to get sweaty. I also ate perfectly yesterday! I might have snuck in a little too much ice cream for dessert, but it was delish!

Here's today's plan:

Bfast: coffee and bowl of Special K cereal

Snack: string cheese and dried apricots

Lunch: leftover grilled chicken breast from last night, broccoli and 1/2 cup mac and cheese

Snack: granola bar

Dinner: Italian Chicken Soup from the Pioneer Woman. I've never made this before so I hope it turns out. It's been raining off and on here so it will be fun to have soup for dinner! I'll make a veggie as well.

Dessert: ??? hopefully I will be full but if not I'll probably have some frozen berries with whipped cream :)

Feel free to share any diabetic friendly recipes!

I don't think I'll have gym time today, but most definitely have to go tomorrow! Hold me to it!

Fall Shows

2011-10-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

So, I decide to DVR a couple of new shows. The promos for the new Fall programs were pretty intense, no? I gave in and decided to check a couple out.

My favorite so far is Hart of Dixie. Not joking. It's been a while since I've tuned in to the ol' CW, but I have to say I like this fluffy, girly show. I think Rachel Bilson is adorable and the male co-stars aren't too shabby either! And, since I've always wished I were a Southern belle, the setting is right up my alley. I'm going to keep watching for sure.

I've also been watching Pan Am. I don't know if it's going to be a keeper. I love the style and the dreamy quality of the cinematography, but the story lines are just ok and the characters aren't that love able. Not sure if it will stay on the DVR.

Whitney. They promoted the heck out of this show, so I decided to watch. I haven't watched a show with laughing in the background in years. Like can't even remember the last time I watched an actual sit-com. This show is not good. Sorry. The first two episodes were both involving role-playing because Whitney was self-conscious about whether she and her boyfriend had a strong relationship. I seriously could not believe the second episode was all about role playing just like the first. No thanks!

Up all Night. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to watch this one. I was SO looking forward to watching it while being pregnant, so I didn't know if it would be hard to like since I lost Bremy. But, I decided to tune in. I really loved the pilot episode and I think I'll keep watching. I love Christina Applegate, and well, I love that the baby's name is Amy. It just makes me happy. No one names their baby Amy anymore! It's a cute show and it makes me laugh.

I'm still all about my reality shows and right now it's Bev Hills housewives, Rachel Zoe, Project Runway and whatever Teen mom/16 and Pregnant train wreck is running on MTV. Oh, and as previously mentioned, Sister Wives. Love, love! Wow, that's a lot of shows!! And somehow I've managed to squeeze in 2.5 seasons of Mad Men. Where have I been with this show? SO good. So behind, but I love watching it on Netflix so it's all good. Any recs?

Tuesday

2011-10-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

I didn't do so well with my "healthy eating" plan this weekend. And with an anniversary dinner out last night, complete with an ice cream sundae, it's time to get back to reality.

I have a late start for work today, so I'm off to the gym. I should have left 30 minutes ago, but my google reader an pinterest were calling! I thought if I wrote here that I was going to the gym, I would most likely actually go!

Here's my healthy plan for the day:

Breakfast: Coffee and low sugar instant oatmeal

Post-workout snack: cottage cheese and fruit

Lunch: leftover enchilada and pinto beans from last night with a salad

Snack: dried apricots and granola bar

dinner: grilled teriyaki chicken breasts, steamed broccoli and small yukon gold potato

dessert: scoop of ice cream :)

Looks like a good protein to carb ratio to me! Happy Tuesday, all!

Two Year Anniversary

2011-10-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

Today, B and I celebrated our two year anniversary. No trips of fancy gifts this year. We recreated our first date and went out for Mexican food and just talked. There is no one I would have rather spent the last two years with.

To a Happy Week!

2011-10-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

In an effort to keep this blog as more of a journal of our lives as they are, I have been wanting to write more current updates of things we're doing, rather than only the emotions I'm feeling.

After a very long week, be both crashed Friday after work. It was pizza ordered in and Mad Men on Netflix until we both fell asleep. Saturday we slept in until 10am (practically unheard of for me!!). We decided to head to our favorite breakfast spot in town for a late breakfast. We were both rather disappointed with our usual order. For me, a veggie omelet, fruit and toast and for B ham and eggs with potatoes. We weren't sure if it was a new cook or what, but nothing was prepared as usual. Oh well, we were still full despite leaving quite a bit on our plate. Then it was home for a short walk with Maverick, a visit with B's best friend and his family who live around the corner and back home to get ready for our friend's wedding that night.

In an effort to not wear the navy blue cocktail dress I've worn to the past three "dress-up" events I've attended, I dug out an old black wrap dress I haven't worn in years. Despite having more than enough time to get ready, we were about ten minutes late by the time we got in the car. The wedding was downtown so parking was a bit of a challenge. We were sprinting to the venue, hoping we would make it for the ceremony. We made it with about five minutes to spare! The ceremony right on time an was very quick. With the reception right across the hall, we were enjoying cocktails, dinner and dancing for the rest of the evening. I enjoyed catching up with a few girls I hadn't seen in months. B and I danced til the end of the night. It was a fun party. A bit of a mellow crowd, but we had a great time being out with friends (including B's cousin A, who was the matron of honor).

This morning we were both up and online plotting out our fantasy football teams and also making our picks for our pick 'em league. I've always loved watching sports, but never really understood the ins and outs of football until I started dating B. I'm not ashamed to say I'm completely into football now.

At the wedding with A

Our normal Sunday routine during football season is: up, coffee, I make eggs and B makes his breakfast potatoes. We do our last minute adjustments and sit and watch football all morning. Then it's yard work for him and meal planning/grocery shopping for me. Today was a little different in that B's cousin A came over with her husband. Their kids were at the inlaws so they were excited to spend some time with us. So it was up, showers, tidy the house and enjoy their company. They brought delicious breakfast burritos and we all practically peed our pants laughing and rooting the 49ers on in their victory over the Philadelphia Eagles. It was quite a game and all four of us were extremely intense the whole way through. It was so nice to lose ourselves in a pointless game and then celebrate a win. Then it was back to Sunday as usual around our house. Yard work and menu planning. I spent the afternoon watching more of Mad Men, season three and B hung out with his best friend around the corner.

I grilled cheeseburgers for dinner and B is off to bed. I'm sneaking in a new episode of Sister Wives before bed (why do I love this show?). It was a good weekend and I'm hopeful for a happy week.

A Friday Post

2011-10-02T22:00:00.000-07:00

This week kinda sucked. That is just the only way to describe it. There were a couple of high points, but man, what a week. Frustrating work days, draining clients, my first post-partum period (aka niagra falls) and two nights of no sleep due to crying all night, missing my Bremy girl. So hard.

Overall I'm doing much better. I don't think about losing her every ten minutes. But this week, the nights were just hard. Hard to fall asleep without picturing the day we lost her. Hard to fall asleep without worrying about the future for me and B. And for some reason on those two nights that I lay awake in tears, I just could not stop. I had to get up and sit in the hall bath so I wouldn't wake up B. This week was the first week I wanted to open her memory box from the hospital and look at the tiny footprints they took of her feet. I needed to feel something of her. I needed the tangible card stock in my hands with her ten teeny toes in black ink. I cried over her little feet and mourned her loss. Those were two ugly nights for me. My eyes were practically swollen shut I was crying so hard. I just could not stop.

Thankfully the last two nights have been tear-free. I've drifted to sleep without being haunted by this experience. This is something I'm learning: grief really comes in waves and is totally unpredictable.

The high point for my week was my 6-week post partum Dr. appointment where we got the green light to start trying for baby2 in December. Even though we had planned on December no matter what, it was very satisfying to hear my Dr. tell me she thought it would be perfect timing and to hear her say how excited she was for us. We all know it's going to be a very, very scary experience, but we agreed it will also be part of the healing process for us. We talked about what we'll need to do next time around and it made me feel so much more hopeful than I had been feeling.

To have your Dr. give you a big, long, tight hug and look you in the eye and be genuinely hopeful for you meant more to me than I ever could explain. I left the appointment on a high, reminding myself that it is possible we will have a baby next year. It is possible we will be very happy at this time next year.

I'm the type of person who loves to day dream and visualize things I'm looking forward to. I want to imagine a child in our lives. I want to imagine how happy we will be at that time. Part of the problem this week was that every time I'd visualize a healthy baby, my mind would just go back to the day Bremy was born. And then those images just can't be shaken. And then I picture Christmas without her, I realize that she is really, truly gone and will never be.I worry about how we would handle any complications in the next pregnancy...and then the tears

But since my Dr. appointment, I've been able to have happy thoughts about the future. I've been able to daydream about being pregnant again. About a successful delivery at full term. I've talked with Bremy without breaking down. I've discussed the future with B without being completely terrified.

This post has taken me so long to write. It's becoming hard for me to express my emotions as they are so all over the place. It's now Sunday evening, an I'm feeling ok. We had a lovely weekend together and I'm ready to have a happy week.

What Makes a Mother?

2011-09-28T23:38:00.000-07:00

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one.
~Jennifer Wasik~

To Love Another Person is to See the Face of God

2011-09-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

To Love Another Person is to See the Face of God

I heard this line last weekend at a wedding I attended in Santa Barbara. One of my closest childhood friends married her high school sweetheart and I was so happy to be there to witness it. The priest who officiated the ceremony was really great. He quoted that line from Les Miserables and described the sacredness of this, their wedding day. He then turned his attention to the bride and groom's parents and asked them to reflect on the day their children were born. How they had seen the face of God that day in their children. In that love. And now, the bride and groom were seeing the face of God in each other. In that love.

That idea took my breath away. How true.

My wedding day itself was quite amazing and I definitely felt that feeling of being outside yourself, where you can't believe how happy you are and how loved you feel. Luckily, I feel that feeling often with my husband in various moments throughout life. A cute look or simple touch will melt me right back into that feeling of happiness and bliss that is marriage.

Seeing Bremy's face was not something I would describe as happy or joyous, but there was an absolutely indescribable emotion that occurred when I laid eyes on her. You hear it described, you think you know what love is, until you look at your own child. I don't think the feeling can be mimicked, and there is a reason for that. There was so much commotion prior to her arrival, so much crying and aching and pain. But when I finally opened the blanket that enveloped her, I felt a calm, a peace, a silence. It was Godly. I didn't think that at the time, per se, but when I heard that line at my friend's wedding, it hit me: I saw God in my child's face. I saw His masterpiece and that is why it felt so peaceful.

Obviously it was a very special moment that was overall extremely sad. I long for the moment when I look at my child's living face and watch her breath and move. But I will never forget holding Bremy and seeing her perfection and knowing that I helped create it through God.

Moving Forward...The Next 90 days

2011-09-21T12:36:00.001-07:00

I'm finally feeling like my old self. I'll forever be different, and I might be a little more withdrawn for a while,but for the most part I feel the old Amy is around.

One part of the old me that I wish had not come back is my tendency to overeat, especially in times of stress. I was eating very healthfully while pregnant. I was told I had gestational diabetes at 16 weeks and adhered to that diet of low carbs and high veggies and good proteins from that point forward. It made me feel so good and I even lost some weight, which the Drs told me was great, considering I am clinically obese.

While not one person has mentioned that my weight may have played a roll in the incompetence of my cervix, and subsequent loss of my daughter, I can't help but wonder if this would have happened had I been at a more healthy weight. I'm not looking for an answer to the problem of my cervix, but using the problem as motivation to be at a healthier place the next time I get pregnant.

Speaking of being pregnant, I want more than anything in the world to be pregnant again. I feel as though I'd love to be pregnant right this very moment, but I know in my heart it's too soon and there is a reason we will naturally have to wait a while. My body is not 100% back to normal, and we were told by my Dr. that they recommend waiting the same amount of time that you were pregnant--so in our case, six months, before getting pregnant again. I don't know if I can wait that long, so I'm telling myself four months. I'm telling myself we will try in December, if everything else cooperates.

That is coming up really fast. This whole getting healthier thing needs to happen if I want to see any results by then. I want to see some weight off, I want to see some strength built and I want to see my attitude reflect those healthy things before we try again. So I'm telling myself that by Christmas, I want to have lost about 15lbs and be eating the diabetic diet consistently. That means very few sugars and more healthy carbs. I never felt better, physically and emotionally than when I was pregnant and I honestly feel that all of my hormones were just in balance. And now, they don't feel like that.

My diet was completely regulated while I was in the hospital. I loved their food (so lucky!) and really enjoyed their take on the diabetic eating plan. I got a full breakfast with the correct amount of carbs (around 35 grams), a snack of yogurt and graham crackers (around 20 carbs), lunch was a sandwich or hot meal with fruit, another snack of cheese sticks and fruit and crackers (loved this snack) , a hot dinner usually with brown rice or potatoes and then a nighttime snack of milk and graham crackers. It was so fulfilling and always tasted good to me. It was actually quite a lot of food-more than I usually eat, but I never felt the craving for sweets at all.

Now that I am home, emotional, and trying to get back to normal, my eating has been all over the place. I'm craving sweets each and every night and would rather have junk that a meal. It just has to stop!

So, for the next 90 days plus, I'm challenging myself to eat like I'm still pregnant in the hospital. I've stocked my shelves this week and am hoping for good results!

About Your Daddy

2011-09-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Bremy,

I wanted to talk to you about your father. He is a wonderful man who wants to be a daddy so much.

If you looked at the two of us on paper, many would say we aren't a match. But even though we come from different backgrounds, I knew the first time I spoke with him that he was the most genuine person I'd ever come to know.

A lot of people think that I "wear the pants" in our relationship. I'm an outspoken, take charge kind of girl. I like to be in control and most people usually let me take the lead. But, your Daddy is pretty darn stubborn and we naturally choose to be in control of different things, and that's why I think we work so well. I tend to be more of a spokesperson for the two of us. People call me to set up plans, and dates. He would rather choose the movie or the restaurant once I've set the plans to go out. I pay the bills and make the reservations, etc. I love doing those things, and your dad loves that I love to do those things because he does not. So when I became pregnant, I wondered how our roles would fit in as "expecting parents" and as "new parents".

I remember worrying that your dad would not be able to speak up for me when I gave birth and I teased him that I'd have to have my mom in the room to help, since he'd probably be overwhelmed and grossed out by the process. I remember worrying that he wouldn't know how to step up for us when you arrived, that he was so used to me being able to do most things, that we'd struggle as a couple when you arrived. I remember wondering if his enthusiasm to be a dad would wear off once you were actually here. We know so many dads who aren't hands on with their kids or their spouses, and I started to wonder if maybe your dad would end up like them?

Bremy, I'm ashamed to say that I ever worried about those things. I guess I was starting to lose faith in the choice that I made in your father. I was letting other examples of not-so-great dads and husbands convince me that your father was just another guy who would let down his wife and child. But those thoughts could not have been more misplaced.

What I love about your daddy is that he allows himself to feel and he is so compassionate and caring and so in touch with his and others emotions. I think a lot of men (your grandpa included) would not have known how to deal with the immense pain and trauma we endured the day you were born. Your dad took my hand and he cried with me. And he talked with me and prayed with me. He never once turned his back on me as I layed in that bed. When I was at my weakest moment, he grew strong, and when he had to bury his head in my shoulder and sob, I grew strong for him. We encouraged each other to be strong that day. When I was in pain as the Dr. examined me and had me push and push, he looked deep in my eyes and gave me strength and helped me. He was the only person in the whole world I wanted in that room, and to think I worried about him being strong for me is outrageous now. He was everything for us that day.

When you came, he was so very upset. We were both just emotionally ravaged and beyond tears. He wanted to protect me from seeing you, but I convinced him it was what I really wanted. And even though I know he wasn't sure it was the best idea, he crouched over my shoulder and we stared at you and admired you. He felt you and he looked at me and we broke down together because you were just so amazingly beautiful. And even though you were so tiny, and didn't have much weight on you, you already looked like the best possible version of both of us. Your mommy and daddy aren't going to win any beauty titles any time soon, but God definitely blessed you with each of our best physical features.

Even though you are not with us, your Dad is still so incredibly proud of you and so proud to be your dad. Even though it's painful, he doesn't shy away from talking about you and who you were and who you would have been. He hasn't bottled up his emotions like most men would.

He's been very protective of me and my emotions. Even though it's been a month since we lost you, he does not make me feel bad for crying each day. He doesn't tell me I should be over it by now, or that I don't deserve to be sad. He holds me as I whimper while I'm trying to fall asleep. He whispers outside my bathroom door, just to check on me as he can hear me crying. I've never had a man like this in my life. And while your grandpa and great-grandpas are amazing men in their own right, your dad is just something special that I never could

have dreamed up. He is a true companion to me, and I know he would have been to you too. Of course I've always thought highly of your daddy (I married him after all) but I could never have known how much he would rise to the occasion and be there for me in this desperate time.

He's now the spokesperson for the two of us. He screens some calls for me and communicates with my family and friends on those days that I just can't bear to talk with anyone. He was the one who wrapped up the arrangements for your final remains when I had to walk out of the funeral home because I was too upset. He chose your little urn with an angel on it. These were things I never could have imagined he would do. But he did, and he has shown me what an amazing father and husband he really is. I can only hope that we have another child, so he can be a day to day daddy.

In a couple weeks, your Dad and I will celebrate two years as man and wife. For the past six, he's been my partner and best friend. Losing you is definitely the hardest thing we've ever faced as a couple, and we hope it's the hardest thing we ever have to go through. But, even if there are more hardships to come, I know we will get through it together, just as we did this time.

Bremy, both your father and I love and miss you so much. I can only imagine how amazing of a daddy he would be right now if you were here and with us. But, we can only hope to be blessed with another child. For now, we are the broken hearted parents who have lost our baby too soon.

Love,

Mom

The Rest of the World

2011-08-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

I think everyone knows that feeling, whether you are going through something really great and exciting, or something really horrible and sad-- when you re-enter the real world, it seems almost cruel that everything has been working just fine in spite of your happiness or sadness. Sometimes you wish you had a sign on your back saying " I just got back from my honeymoon" or "I just found out I'm pregnant" or "I just pushed out a baby and she died". And of course sometimes you are glad to be anonymous.

I'm still feeling like I'm in a blur of reality. I drive myself home and can't really remember how I got there, or where I parked or when I even stopped for gas? My mind is just elsewhere. But I've decided to ease back in to work. I have always thrived on routine, so I figured having some normalcy back in my life would be a good thing.

I'm a lawyer and I work with criminals who are incarcerated. I don't really have an office, I practically live in a jail all day. It's not as depressing as it used to be, and contrary to popular belief my criminal clients are quite polite and some seem to be amazing people in spite of their bad choices or bad luck.

But of course, many of them are not the best people, and many of them have ruined their lives as well as their entire families lives. Many have children they don't know and many continue to have children they will never raise. Yesterday I was doing my initial client interviews with several clients in a row. I met with one who told me his top priority was to get out of jail so he could see his baby born. Now, understand this is a VERY common wish of my clients. I'd say over 60% of the time my clients tell me they have a baby coming in the next few months and would like to get out to be there (even if they were not there for the children they already have, or even for this woman who is carrying his next child). But of course, after losing my child, this "wish" hit me differently. As I always do, I then asked when the child would be born so we could do some math and see whether it was realistic for him to count on being out for the birth. This client casually answered, December 5th. It was like a knife in my heart. Bremy's due date. I looked at him for a long second and actually thought about telling him about my daughter. Oh, my I'm so glad I didn't. That would have been interesting...so I brushed it off and continued with my interview, my heart a little heavier. I'd managed to keep my mind off of her for the previous 30 minutes. And there she was. Right back in my mind.

He left and my next cleint walked in. I started our interview . He then mentioned how important it was for him to be out for his son's birth. He had missed his first son's birth because he had been locked up. "Ok, what is the due date?" I asked. "December 5th" he answered. I cocked my head and stared at him. I seriously, honestly thought this was a joke. Did this guy know something? Was he messing with me? He looked back at me, a tear in his eye (he had gotten emotional telling me he'd missed his first son's birth)And of course I realized this guy had no clue I had also been expecting a child on December 5th.

Now, I really just wanted to let it all out and tell him to get over the fact that he mised his son's birth, at least his son lived. And for a few seconds I turned bitter and just wanted to let him have it. He had been selling dope and stealing cars so he missed his son being born. I had been living an honest life and I had to witness my daughter die. My heart turned cold and I just wanted to take it out on him. Ask him if he really appreciated the fact that he would have two children. Let him know not everyone has healthy babies in spite of their horrendous decision making skills. But I didn't. I just went silent, I felt like I was choking. I could barely breath. I acted as though I was furiously taking notes and thinking about his case, but really I was picturing my beautiful girl and having flashbacks of my Dr.'s big brown eyes, feeling my daughter lifeless between my legs, I was hearing the sounds I made, my husband's horrified face, my mom's reaction when she finally made it to the hospital and we had to tell her Bremy was gone. I was reliving the day I lost my daughter. Luckily, I kept the tears in my eyes and was able to finally breath and get back to my client.

The next day I successfully argued for each of them to be released in time for them to see their children be born. On December 5th.

Each day is getting slightly easier, but I'm so tired of these moments. I just want them to go away, I want the painful memories to disappear. I want to feel the way I used to feel. I guess I don't know if I ever will, but I'm growing impatient with myself. I don't want to cry in the car when as sa song comes on or choke up when I see a pregnant woman, or walk by the baby Gap where I bought her first outfit. I just want my brain and my heart to forget.

The rest of the world is still going, and I know my world will slowly grow to a new normal. I just wish I could be at that place already.

The Love of a Dog

2011-08-25T05:37:00.000-07:00

Maverick will be 6 years old at the end of the year. B and I make no qualms about how much we dote on him and treat him as though he is an actual child. We crate trained him, took him to puppy training school (can't say it worked any wonders!), researched the best dog foods and we also make sure we both try to attend his veterinary appointments together. Yeah, we're those dog people. Many have commented on how poor Mav is going to get a wake up call once a human baby arrives, but we hope we can maintain loving him just as much.

After our loss of Bremy, it was clear to me that Maverick also felt the loss. I had been a little disappointed when I was pregnant and Maverick did not seem to notice and did not seem to have that doggy intuition where he could tell mama had a bun in the oven. He wasn't protective of me and also never seemed to pay any extra attention to my belly.

On the day I finally returned home from the hospital after delivering our baby girl, I immediately sat nose to nose with my pup. He licked my face and nuzzled his big head into the crook of my neck. I made my way to our bedroom where he followed me. I was so exhausted that I plopped down on my bed, one foot hanging over the side and dozed off. B came in to shut the door, which woke me up. I looked down and saw that Mav had been sitting on the floor at my feet, facing the doorway of our room (not a spot he ever sat in). I expected him to follow B as he left, but he didn't. He looked up at me, then turned back, facing the door. Twenty minutes later, I awoke again and he was still there. Sitting up, head to the door. This was not his usual thing. I called out to him and he turned once again and licked the top of my foot and then returned to his position. My doggy knew everything.

Since then, Maverick has been my constant companion. He is normally a stubborn dog who doesn't necessarily come when you call. But since Bremy has gone he has been so sweet and loving to both of us.

A couple nights ago, while at my parents I was just getting into bed when I heard him stirring in his travel crate. I knew he wasn't too comfortable since this crate is quite a bit smaller than his normal bed, so I turned the light on and crouched down to give him a pet. I scratched his ears and rubbed his head until he laid down and drifted off. In that moment I couldn't help but think of my baby girl. And how much I wanted to be soothing her to sleep. As I looked at our pup resting peacefully I thought of how much I wanted to be a mother and how much I already was one. Even with this immeasurable hurt over our daughter, I felt thankful to have the unconditional love of our sweet dog.

I saw this picture today on facebook, and of course it made me well up. There were over one thousand people at this Navy Seal's funeral. And this is his dog. Chills. I love our Maverick so much, and looking at this picture, I'm grateful to be here with him, even if our girl is not here. I am grateful for his companionship.

Missing my Girl

2011-08-24T09:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Bremy Belle,

I was finally feeling a little better. We've been going out with your grandparents, trying to keep busy. I have managed to smile and laugh in the last few days. But I still cry myself to sleep each night in your daddy's arms. He has been so incredibly strong and even though we don't say a word as I cry at night, his love is what is getting me through. His fingers on my forehead are what let me finally fall asleep each night.

Today was a hard day. We are home and trying to get the house and our lives back in order without you. The pain is just hurting me so bad. I've never ever felt this way before.

My heart is quite painfully broken. I have no less than one hundred thoughts per second about you, my pregnancy, the birth, your face, all the things I imagined for you, about another pregnancy, another baby, this happening again, miscarrying earlier, or later, not being able to have another baby, your toes, and then all those thoughts seem to explode in my head and that's when I just cry. I cry so hard and it hurts so much. I've never ever heard these cries come from myself. They are cries of real pain in my soul. And I know everyone experiences horrible things, even worse things, but this is a very specific sadness that very few people can understand.

Everyone keeps telling us we now have an angel looking down on us. It should be comforting but it is not. I wish there were a way I could still feel you or sense you. Obviously I miss those physical reminders of your life like your kicking and your bulge and the feeling of your weight in my abdomen. But what I miss more is that emotional connection. You were with me for every single second of my life for five months and I just miss that feeling of you being with me. I wish I could say I still feel you with me or that I sense you looking down on us but I don't. I don't feel it. Maybe eventually we will. Maybe I'm just too enveloped in my own sadness, but I'd love to know somehow that you are around.

There are positives to this experience, and I know I'm a changed person after this. You will have a legacy in this family. And it will be a positive one. I just have to get through this dark time to see that light.

Missing you.

Love,
Mama

Pioneer Woman's New Show!

2011-08-23T17:31:00.001-07:00

A friend reminded me today that Ree Drummond's new Food Network show is starting this Saturday. I just watched the preview and I smiled the whole time. I love this lady and her recipes. I've read her blog for a while and really enjoyed her book about her love story.

Setting the DVR right now :)

"The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea" ~Isak Dinesen.

2011-08-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

We are working on healing. I'm having a hard time. I feel so sad, so cheated, disappointed and traumatized by our experience. The actual delivery and birth were so much more difficult physically and mentally than I could have imagined. And the memories are haunting me right now.

We have both taken off work for now. We just need to digest this and grieve. On Wednesday B said he wanted to drive to see my parents and stay with them. He thought it'd be good for both of us. I didn't want to see anyone at all. I said I didn't want to go. But he pretty much packed the car and said we could just stay for a bit. I still resisted and wasn't too happy to get in the car, but I knew sitting around our house moping around wasn't going to do me any good.

I'm not much of a beach person. My parents live 10mintues from the ocean, and I grew up and went to school on the coast but I'd rather be at a pool or a lake so I can swim and be in a boat on calm waters. But as soon as we reached my hometown, I wanted to get to the beach.

So we went. The two of us and our dog. We walked and we stared and we listened to the waves. We got sandy and gave our pup lots of love. I listened to some music and shed a few tears alone while the boys splashed in the water. It felt cleansing.

I can't say it made me feel good, but it made me feel better.

The Last Belly Shots

2011-08-17T04:00:00.000-07:00

Here are my last pictures with baby Bremy still inside me. I was over the moon those last two weeks because I felt like I actually looked pregnant, finally.

What I wouldn't give to have her back in there. I am constantly rubbing my belly, forgetting she is no longer there. It's like it's a natural reflex now. Last night I felt a twitch in my lower belly and put my hand down there, without thinking. I burst into tears and cried for a long time once I realized that sensation was not my baby moving. I had been tear-free for a long time all day and that moment just broke me right back into a million pieces. But I'm patching myself back together, just taking it day by day.

Our Baby Has a Name

2011-08-16T13:25:00.001-07:00

Bremy Belle

Bremy Belle is our baby's name. We thought of her first name years ago, but weren't sure if we'd ever use it. When we found out we were having a baby girl, we just kept coming back to that name. Then we started to call her that and it just felt so right. My parents really loved it. We got some mixed reviews from others, but everyone agreed that once they started saying it, it really seemed to fit.

Bremy is a combination of mine and my husband's name. I've always liked "cute" names that end in a y sound, and my husband just thought it was so cool that it had never been used before but didn't sound too off the wall.

Belle is a name I have loved since I was young. I liked it for a first name, but it just seemed to work as Bremy's middle name.

I'm so sad I will never hear this name called from a graduation stage or at her first sporting events. I just love the name so much and could not wait to see it on her monogrammed onesies. Or see her write it on her homework.

But we will always say it. We will always know it. And as B's cousin pointed out, it is a perfect name for our daughter who has passed. She has a part of myself and a part of B in her always, and her name reflects that perfectly.

We miss you Bremy Belle. Words cannot describe how much we miss you.

Everything Looks Different Now

2011-08-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

***I sat into the car. The first time I'd been outside in five days. I looked at my hands. They looked like hers. I finally looked up and saw houses. Restaurants. Signs. Things I'd seen before. Many times before. But they looked so different now. They looked so insignificant. So small and unworthy of my glance. I was a mother now. A mother with a dead child who was sitting somewhere in a hospital I had just pulled away from. I had looked into the face of my child and counted her tiny toes. Every other thing on this earth was now being seen through eyes that had lain on my angelic daughter. Nothing would ever look the same***

My doctor took my head into both her hands and told me it was too early. She told me our daughter would not make it, and if she did, her life would be plagued with an innumerate amount of challenges and health interventions. I nodded my head in her hands. "I know" I cried.

Once I knew that we were in "worst case scenario" zone, my thoughts ran quickly. So many pictures ran through my head. " I don't want to make a choice" I kept saying in my mind. Since I had found out I would deliver early, I kept praying the same prayer, "If she is going to go, please go now. If she is going to be, please let her get to a week where her complications would be relatively minimal." When, at 6am I was told we were at worst case scenario at 23 weeks and 5 days, I felt the decision was being made for me. It was just so soon.

B finally got to the hospital. I could tell as soon as he walked in that he wanted to try to save her. I asked the Dr. to talk to him and tell him exactly, word for word what she had told me. He sunk his chin and nodded at her comments. His eyes so puffy and red, trying to stay strong. We looked at each other and cried. We both knew we were losing our daughter today.

My heart was so strong. My heart told me it was too early. That this was happening now, prior to 24 weeks for a reason. But looking at B I wondered if we could try. The Dr. said we could but she was so fearful that we would not understand the survivability of a 23 week old. We contemplated it, but my heart was so strong. I knew we had to get through this and mourn this.

A new OB was coming on shift and came in to get acquainted with us. He examined me and told me I would deliver very quickly. I told him I did not want to have a c-section. My only c-section option was a traditional, or vertical c-section which would mean I could never deliver vaginally afterwards. And it was real surgery I'd have to recover from.

I told him I wanted to deliver vaginally and he agreed it was best, even though baby was breech. We popped my bulging bag and I pushed. I pushed a lot of her body out, but they said my cervix had actually shrunk a bit after the bag was out, and I was not dilated enough to deliver the larger part of her body. I was so overwhelmed and disappointed. I just wanted it to be over.

We tried again but I was so upset I could not focus. His every touch sent me squirming. I just couldn't do it. He wanted me to get an epidural. I did not want one. I just wanted it over. But I got one, and soon thereafter it was over with no more pain.

My tiny daughter was handed to me in a blanket that dwarfed her. She took my breath away. She was so incredibly beautiful. She had his nose. She had my lips.

A letter to my daughter

2011-08-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Baby girl,

My God you are so beautiful. I was not expecting that. I wasn't sure what you would look like. But your perfect rosebud lips, ladylike fingers and button nose were almost too much for mama to handle. Even though you were not breathing when they placed you in my arms, I felt so connected to you. I hear not all moms feel that way when they are handed their babies. Even perfectly healthy babies. I'm so glad I did. I'm so glad I recognized you as the little girl I've been chatting with for five months. The girl I felt kicking her mama every day since week 15. I knew it was you the second I laid eyes on you, my beautiful girl.

It was very hard on Daddy to see you. He thought maybe he didn't want to see you, but he was strong and he looked you over with me. You were so perfect in your miniature way. Your toenails, your elbows. Everything.

Sweetheart, I miss you already. I miss feeling you as I walk. As I sit and as I breath. I miss that hard bulge in my tummy and the feel of your jumping and turning and kicking. I miss whispering to you and singing to you as we fell asleep. I'm having trouble remembering you are no longer within me. You are supposed to still be with me.

But I know you are at peace now and looking down on me and your daddy. I know you know how much we love you and will always love you. I will still talk to you, even though you are so far away now. I will still sing with you.

Darling, you will always be my first child and will always be my mama girl.

Thank you for blessing me with 23 weeks of excitement and joy. I've never looked forward to anything the way I looked forward to you. We will continue your memory, baby girl. I love you so much.

Love,

Mama

Our Worst Nightmare Come True

2011-08-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

***The warm air slammed my face. The sunlight pierced my eyes. It shouldn't be summer, I thought. It shouldn't be warm when I leave the labor and delivery floor of this hospital. It should be the chill of winter that hits my face. The icy wind that pierces my eyes. I should have a warm bundle of child wrapped in my arms. Not a bare lap. Not tears in my eyes. I wasn't supposed to deliver my daughter in the summertime. I wasn't supposed to leave the hospital without my daughter.***

Today. I lost my first born child. Today I lost a piece of myself. Today I lost my pride. And my joy. Today it felt as though I lost everything.

At 1am this morning my new nurse entered my room to give me a pill. She was about an hour late. The pill was meant to stop contractions. Contractions I wasn't feeling, the contractions that were very sporadic. Only a couple an hour. I was annoyed she was so late. I was trying to get on a schedule. I held my arm out begrudgingly as she took my blood pressure. I swallowed my pill and turned my TV on so I could find a way to get back to sleep.

I watched an episode of Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta. It made me remember what it was like when my weeks revolved around wedding planning. How fun it was. How insignificant it felt now. Now that I was fighting to keep a baby inside me.

The show ended at 2am and I was still awake. Just as I reached for my remote to turn the TV off and head to sleep, I felt something. Something I've felt before. A period cramp. It was in my lower right tummy. I put my hand down and felt the tightening. The feeling everyone told me I'd feel, eventually, but had not felt yet. I swallowed. It's ok, I reminded myself. It wont keep up. Fifteen minutes later, another in the same spot. I called my nurse.

She seemed unconcerned and wrapped my belly in a belt and put me on a monitor. She came back and gave me more medicine and told me it looked like I was having uterine irritability and the meds would make it go away.

It didn't.

More meds.

More cramps.

At 5am I told her I wanted a Dr. She told me the Dr. was in a c-section. I was so upset. "Find someone else!" I screamed. I knew this was not good.

At 5:45 am she told me the Dr. was on her way. I called B and asked him to come.

The nurse came back at 6 and asked if maybe I needed to use the bathroom. In my head I knew that being constipated would not cause these pains, but I rolled out of my bed for the first time in 36 hours and sat on the bed side commode. I couldn't go. But something did not feel right.

I took at look at my toilet paper. It was red. I could not help but panic and fall back on my bed. "This is not happening" I repeated to myself, my hand covering my eyes. I looked down into the makeshift toilet and saw a pool of blood.

The nurses rushed in. Moved everything in my room. Moved my bed. No one said a word. They just worked. And rushed.

I felt more cramps. I groaned. "what is taking the Dr. so long". They told me she was wrapping up a c-section. I cried and I shook and I groaned.

Finally she arrived. She tried to be positive. Said she wanted to look. She looked. She felt. "This is the worse case scenario, Amy. " She said, " You are fully dilated and your bag is out." I didn't even react. I already knew.

I called my mom. I called my best friend. I called my amazing OB friend, K. In my heart I knew it was over.

B came. The Dr. came. It was about 7am. They went over my options.

Choices

2011-08-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

From the moment I was told I have an incompetent cervix and would deliver early, I was casually reminded that I will have to make "some choices". I didn't like this idea and kept brushing it off. The nurse from the NICU has come to our room to give us some information about how their nursery works, but she reminded us we would need to visit with a neonatologist to go over "our choices". I did not ask her to elaborate.

Since the beginning, I have prayed that if our girl is not meant to be, please take her now. If she is meant to be, please get her to a week where she will definitely make it. I am ok with the challenges she will have, but please don't put her in a position where we have to make choices.

The Neonatologist came to our room yesterday. She was chubby, so I instantly liked her (I don't know why but I just like people with a little meat on their bones. It's like she's actually human). She said she was just coming in to answer our questions, and wouldn't be throwing statistics and empty numbers at us. I liked that. I gulped and finally asked her what everyone meant when they told us they wanted us to make choices.

She explained that since we are here on bed rest, I have the "luxury" or curse of having time to learn and gain information about preemies and about a NICU stay. She also said that our decisions are fluid and most of our decisions cannot be made before we meet me daughter. I was so relieved to hear her say that. i just envisioned me signing on a dotted line, and her coming out thriving and the dr.'s not doing anything because we had signed her life away. She smiled and said that would never happen.

Right now our choice is to give our daughter every chance to live that we can. If we find out after that she will have major issues that will cause her to suffer, we will reevaluate, but for now, I have a feeling no matter when she comes out, she will surprise everyone with how strong she is.

Here is to at least 30 weeks!!

Right now everyone is rooting for us to make it to the 'viable' age of 24 weeks. But I'm still rooting for 30. I want to get out of these scary 20s. I just have to.

Hospital Bed Rest

2011-08-12T08:44:00.000-07:00

On Monday night I went to bed uncomfortable. I could feel our girl kicking, but she was pushing and moving really, really low and it was hard to sleep. I kept talking to her and rubbing my belly but she insisted somersaults were essential at 11pm. I then started to worry that maybe it was something else I was feeling. I finally made it to sleep.

I woke up Tuesday morning and found an unsightly amount of discharge. My heart sunk. I called my Dr. and they told me to head to labor and delivery. The pressure and the mucous were things they wanted to check out.

The hospital moved pretty quickly. My nurse in triage was outstanding. They ordered an ultrasound and about thirty minutes later two men entered the room to conduct my ultrasound. They saw my cervix was about 2cm open this time. I instantly burst into tears. I didn't want to hear that anything was worse. The ultrasound tech rubbed my hand and told me in his soft-spoken accent "Amy, please do not cry. You only make it worse for baby". My husband, mom, mother in law had all told me this about 100 times, but for some reason his soft way took my tears away. I let out a huge breath and relaxed.

I was then admitted to the high risk maternity ward. The on call perniatologist came into my room. I had been warned that she could be "cold" by the nurses, so I put my big girl face on when she came in. She told me that the ultrasound tech had taken the measurements differently than she had wanted, and I was really closer to 1cm. I let out a big breath. She was slightly hopeful but warned us that at 23 weeks we were still in a really rough spot.

It was surprising to me how being in the hospital calmed my nerves. They were monitoring me, had me in a deep trendelendburg position and had me using a bed side commode so I would not be walking anywhere. It felt nice knowing that I could buzz them for every single thing I felt and they were happy to check for me.

Wednesday I just laid low. My mother in law stayed by my side and tried to keep me busy. I was getting to know the bedside routine and learning more about how this hospital thing was going to work. I was feeling more pressure wednesday night so they hooked me up to the monitor to see if I was contracting. I had had 2 contractions earlier when they had checked me, but they were spread out and they insisted that was normal. On Wednesday night I was happy when they reported I had zero contractions at that hour.

The Dr. came in to tell me they were putting me on two different medicines. One was to prevent contractions from happening the other was to try to reduce the amount of fluid around the baby to take the pressure off of my cervix. They are only giving me this drug for a few days so they do not reduce the fluid by too much.

Sleeping in trendelenburg (aka on your head) is, in a word, interesting. But I'm pretty sure I would hand by my toenails right now if it meant I'd have a healthy baby.

Yesterday I had a second ultrasound with the perinatologist. Unfortunately I have now dilated to over 2cm. I was seriously so optimistic going into the ultrasound, so when she pursed her lips before telling me the news, I almost couldn't believe it. She did say there was good news. My fluid sac was still relatively high and was not bulging and had not ruptured. I tried to just focus on that news. The Dr. was pretty negative after the ultrasound and made me feel as though getting to 24 weeks would be the best I could hope for.

I was upset. My nurse came in and sat by my side and recited all of the success stories they had seen lately. I instantly felt better, remembering that there are no guarantees, that I can go further. I've made it over a week already and I know I can do more.

The nurses here could not be better. I just light up when they come in the room. So positive and two of them have actually been in my exact situation and ended up with very favorable results. So good to hear.

I have some dark moments, but I'm just focusing on all the great stories I hear. I am obsessed with getting to 30 weeks. Right now, I'm being told that is an unrealistic goal, but I've just heard too many people who have made it there or past. I have to have a goal, and that is it.

22 Weeks

2011-08-05T16:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Baby Girl,

This week has been tough. I went in for my appointment on Wednesday and found out that you are perfect, but your mommy's body is not. It was the toughest news I've ever gotten. Ever. It was very unexpected and left me feeling very raw and very shocked.

Instantly, all of our loved ones gathered around us and embraced us with love and hope and offers of support. It was overwhelming but not surprising. We have some amazing family and really great friends. They will love you and adore you so much. In fact, they already do.

You are really kicking up a storm in there. Mommy's tummy is getting nice and round which I love. I really enjoy being pregnant and having others know I'm pregnant. It's such a significant thing. I've heard people call it a privilege and that's really a great word. Not everyone experiences this and I've just loved every bit of it.

The reason our bad news was so shocking is because I've been feeling so great. I have energy, have been getting exercise and eating so well. Daddy takes amazing care of us and is so happy to know you are in there dancing around. I can usually feel where your head is right now, and he loves feeling that little round bulge. He's still waiting for you to kick for him, though!

Baby girl, I hope you continue to grow and grow. I hope mommy's body cooperates and you arrive here safe and sound. We know it will be early, but we're hoping not too early. I already love you so, so much. I talk to you everyday in a really annoying baby voice that I'm sure you will grow to hate. But I can't help it. So far your nickname is "mommy girl" even though I'm pretty sure you'll be a daddy's girl all the same.

I love to rub my belly and feel you move. I love to try to guess which position you are in since you seem to move all the time. Every single doctor has commented on how active you are. Sounds like you will keep me on my toes!

I'm not giving up on you, baby girl. No one is. You are perfect and I just hope I can keep your pretty little being safe and sound for as long as possible.

I know you will be early, but how about you give Auntie K a nice birthday present and come on her November 5th birthday? Boy, that would be nice. Although the doctors don't expect you to make it that long, that's my own little goal for you.

Love you so much already!

Love,

Mommy

When Nothing Else Matters

2011-08-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

So, I took the advice of my friend K who is an OB at UCLA and went to UC Davis med center for a second opinion. I was so shocked at the news at my appointment that I hadn't asked a lot of detailed questions about what else was going on with my cervix and the baby. Was I in labor? Was I leaking amniotic fluid? Was there anything the Drs could do? I could not get ahold of my OB or my Perinatologist so at 8pm we went to the hospital.

I was met with a little attitude, asking why I was not at my normal hospital and why I was even coming in. Luckily I had K's information on hand and said I had some unanswered questions and wasn't going anywhere. It's amazing how being so upset can make you so timid. I didn't even recognize myself. It's like my fear just took over.

Of course it was super busy in labor and delivery so we had to wait a long time to be seen. They did a speculum exam and could easily see my cervix was open. The resident immediately called for the Chief resident which literally made me shake so much I could hardly keep my legs open. Was there a new problem? Turned out, all was the same as the day before, she just wanted to get the chief in to explain things to me. They had planned on taking a sample of my discharge to see what it was exactly, but because my fluid sac was right there, they didn't want to risk infection or rupture I guess.

I had an amazing RN, resident doctor and chief resident who were all really, really sweet and obviously concerned. Their prognosis, advice and recommendations were pretty much right on with what my perinatologist had said the day before. They did say my cervix was nice and long and 50% effaced and that a cerclage was definitely possible, but not without risk.

They told me they weren't sure how far I would go even with bed rest. Even 26 weeks sounded far to them. Even though I knew that, it still stung so much to hear what I'm being faced with.

I asked them to list every option I had. They started with termination which was really hard to hear and ended with my going home. They put me in a private room to think it over with my family (may parents had arrived that afternoon). I cried for about two minutes, my family comforted me and I felt like I wasn't sure what to do. Should I risk the cerclage? Stay in the hospital?

As I wiped away some tears I felt a really strange sensation come over me and I instantly calmed down. I knew I wanted to go home, use the progesterone they had prescribed and continue on my strict bed rest. It was like there were no other options. It was a really strange feeling. I was thankful for it, because moments earlier I seriously had no idea what to do. I was completely calm the rest of the night, which is very out of character for me, especially when my parents are around. I usually just let it all out. But I felt really confident that whatever was meant to happen would happen.

Today has been easier than yesterday. Again, I have a really strong sense that everything happens for a reason. If this baby is not meant to be, that is ok. If this baby is meant to be a little peanut survivor, that is awesome. If this little girl surprises us all and stays put for a couple months, well then, I'll sure be glad I didn't terminate or risk a cerclage. I know there is a reason for all of this.

Of course, those first two options will be difficult and I know I will fall apart now and then. And things are going to get tough. But I've never faced anything I can't handle.

If my little girl is anything like her mama and daddy she is stubborn as a mule and will not go down without a fight.

Bed [Ar]rest

2011-08-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

We got some not so good news yesterday. After our little girls head measurement came back abnormal, my dr. sent me to a perinatologist to get her re measured to makes sure nothing was actually wrong. Turns out baby girl is measuring perfectly, but my cervix is not.

They performed a vaginal ultrasound to take a look and found that my cervix was dilated to 1cm and my fluid sac had descended. I had never met this dr. before and she was literally horrible at delivering the news. I know this is very serious, but she could not have made it seem any worse.

Unfortunately I was at the appointment alone as it was too early for B to get there from work. I cried as she told me there was zero possibility of me taking this baby to term. Our new goal was to get her to an age where she would survive and have a somewhat normal quality of life. Do you know how much that statement stung?

I was a 10lb+ baby and my hubby was over 8lbs. I have never once thought of the possibility of a preemie. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, so this whole pregnancy has been focused on making sure she doesn't get too big. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I'm pretty sure this Dr. has never been pregnant. She was so clinical and offered zero reassurance. She also advised I take a formal tour of the NICU so that I can make an informed decision on whether to keep my baby alive if she is born at a questionable age.

She told me to go on strict bed rest and to come back in a week. I am self employed so this is absolute financial devastation for us. I have no idea what we will do. I've been trying my best to save for her arrival, but I had a long way to go.

I will be 23 weeks on Monday. I'm praying she makes it to 35 weeks, but was told it's a long shot.

I'm still in shock and don't really know what to think or do. I'm home with my feet up fighting back the tears, trying to stay as calm as possible for our little girl.

too cute to pass up

2011-07-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

I've been doing my best to not go overboard and start buying our daughter a boat load of clothes. Of course my mom, brother, and great friend have already stocked her closet, but I myself hadn't bought anything until last week.

I was parked in mall parking while I did some work downtown and decided to peruse the mall a bit before heading home. I decided to look at babygap as they were advertising a big sale. I was just on my way out, empty handed when I saw this...

For any new readers, my husband and I have an English Bulldog whom we adore. I'd seen a few boy bulldog outfits, but none for girls! I didn't even look at the price before I went to the register. I just had to have it! Bulldogs with pink bows?! I was so excited. Turns out it was 40% off. Score!

A room for our little girl!

2011-07-27T13:06:00.001-07:00

I had been thinking about the nursery for a while. I knew that for both boy or girl I wanted a white Jenny Lind crib. I also knew that either way, I wanted to focus more on colors and patterns rather than a distinct "theme".

This was one of the first nursery photos I saved. Love the cribs and the pops of color! image via Nina's Blog

Once we knew we were having a girl, I started to really think about colors and such. I think most of my friends and family would have predicted I do a somewhat shabby chic, or more elegant, neutral pink room with flowers and such. But for some reason, I just don't want to do my usual thing. I want this room to be fun. I want it to look clean and fresh, just like a baby.

It all started with a Maytag commercial. I fell in LOVE with these polka dot sheets about 2 weeks before we knew it was a girl. I loved the colors and especially loved the polka dots. So cute without being too frilly.

Then, my brother gifted us this onesie. And I again fell in love with this color combo. In one moment I pictured exactly what I wanted.

Very light, aqua walls, all white furniture and pops of color in the bedding and art on the wall. And, I wanted polka dots! It's been a little difficult to find bedding in this color scheme. Most "girl" bedding is more pastel or has some sort of butterfly or flower. But, I'm excited to do something a little out of my normal style.

I've made some purchases already...but I'll have to save those for another post!

I heart Snoogle!

2011-07-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

I had trouble sleeping very early on. Both my mom and B's cousin had me utterly paranoid about sleeping on my tummy while pregnant. At about 12 weeks, it became physically uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach, so I was trying with all my might to sleep on my side. It was not working out very well. Every morning I would wake up flat on my tumtum.

I decided I needed a solution. The reviews led me to the "Snoogle". Since I"m 5'9, I was happy to hear it was long enough for me. I'd been trying to sleep with an arsenal of pillows lodged between my knees, my ankles, and under my belly. It was not working. At all.

So I "splurged" on a snoogle via amazon. It was much more pricey than I had anticipated, but I wanted a washable cover, so I went for it. I like that it can be used on both sides and basically prevents me from inadvertently rolling over onto my tummy while sleeping.

It is so worth it. Oh yea. Good purchase. AND! I just saw that it is easily used for nursing in bed, so that is a plus. I have to admit, I think I will continue to use it for a while!

20 Weeks

2011-07-21T09:35:00.000-07:00

This Monday I hit the 20 week mark. The half-way mark. Wow. Time is going by really, really fast. I'm feeling our little girl move a lot. I also feel like my belly has really grown in the last 2 weeks.

Monday I went in for my "Anatomy scan". It was a half an hour ultra sound where the tech took "pictures" of almost every inch of our baby's anatomy. She was really nice, but definitely focused on the task at hand. She measured, looked at the heart, other organs and limbs and also confirmed that our baby is indeed a girl.

Today, I met with my OB to go over the ultrasound and have my 20 week appointment. I had been a nervous wreck all day. This morning I received the "results" of my ultrasound via email. There was a note at the beginning stating that the "cephalic index is slightly elevated at 88. Recommend follow up". My heart sank. I had no idea what cephalic meant. So. I googled it. It's a measurement of the head in relation to gestational age. It can be an indicator of chromosomal abnormalities. I immediately started freaking out that something was wrong with my baby girl. This was at about 1130am. My appointment wasn't until 4pm.

I decided not to alert B or my mom, or anyone other than the poor co-worker I was having lunch with at noon. I didn't want to cause a huge freak out over something I wasn't sure of.

Once I got to the appointment my nerves had really gotten to me. My smiling, bubbly OB walked in and I was basically really snappy and immediately asked what the hell was up with my baby's results! She looked over the results and said she was not the least bit concerned. She said since all the other results were "normal" she is just guessing baby has a big head. She jokingly asked if my family has big heads. Since my hubby's head is seriously huge, I had to laugh and tell her we do have some big noggins. Still, I pressed her for more details and she finally told me, "If there were something to worry about, believe me I would tell you." That finally made me feel better.

We listened to baby girl's strong heartbeat and that was it!

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 20 Weeks

Size of baby: Baby is the length of a banana

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Lost 9lbs

Maternity Clothes: I love my maternity pants. Still in normal tops

Gender: It's a GIRL!

Movement: I feel her move everyday. Sometimes more than others. Little kicks and flutters

Sleep: Sleeping better now that I have a Snoogle

What I miss: sleeping on my tummy

Cravings: sub sandwiches, hot wings

Symptoms: feeling really good, just more tired than usual

Best Moment this week: Making my first outfit purchase for baby girl!

Jenny Lind Crib!

2011-07-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

Now, I'm slightly obessing over the crib. I've known all along I wanted white, but I kept seeing this crib I could only describe as "old fashioned" and very simple, but I absolutely loved it and no other crib could compare. I finally googled "old fahioned white crib" and lo' and behold, this crib style has a known name, "jenny lind". Love, love, love. I will definitely have a jenny lind style crib. I think it will offset the more modern color scheme we have planned for her room. The best news is that this crib is widely available in many different price ranges.

Now that I'm fixated on it, I see it everywhere!

image via: projectnursery.com

We are having a baby girl!

2011-07-11T19:33:00.001-07:00

We found out on my birthday while my family was in town! Her closet is almost full...

On Not Drinking Alcohol

2011-07-05T07:00:00.000-07:00

So...I've never considered myself a big drinker. College was college, but once I left, I definitely did not drink as much. B very rarely drinks at all, but I enjoy a cocktail, some wine and a large margarita here and there. Or so I thought.

As soon as I was preggers, I was so shocked at how weird it was not to be able to drink.

B's best friend and his wife live a few houses away from us and we started "wine fridays" a while back, where we would actually consume a ton of wine at eachother's houses and we'd get to walk home afterwards which was super fun. We didn't do it every Friday, but I have to admit, the first Friday that rolled around after our positive pregnancy test seemed empty without our get together.

Sangria at a bbq, beer at a baseball game, wine at a dinner out, margarita over tortilla chips...they all came my way within the first week of being preggers. Because I'm apparently an alcoholic, I had to tell a few friends right away as they would have definitely known once I turned down a glass of sangria! Wow, do I really never turn down a drink?!

The best part of all this is realizing now that I totally do not miss it. It was hard at first, but as long as I'm still part of the party--I really don't care if I have a drink. I love my friends and have such a great time, even without a cocktail in hand.

I've heard a glass of wine is ok later in pregnancy, but at this point I don't plan on indulging. I may change my tune towards the end, but for now, I'm impressed with the ease in transition from casual boozer to teatotaling mama!

Shopping at Motherhood

2011-07-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

I just had one of the best shopping experiences of my life. B took me on a date day/night today. We woke up early, went out to breakfast and decided to spend the day having some fun,window shopping and enjoying some time somewhere new. We went to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner, a favorite that I don't get nearly enough and then made our way to the mall across the street where I knew there were a couple maternity stores.

I'm not showing at all yet, but I know it will happen eventually and I want some things around just in case! I heard that Motherhood carried plus size, so I stopped there first. I had a mental list: jeans, cropped jeans, cropped black pants, work slacks and maybe a dress.

I was in luck! They had everything in my size, and had a buy one, get one 50% off on all bottoms! I could not believe how cute everything was. They literally had everything I came in for. Everything fit and I just loved the way it all looked. I even tried on the little "bump" belt they had in the fitting room to make sure everything would still look ok with a larger baby bump. So fun!

Happy shopper! My only complaint was the hot lights in the dressing rooms. Whew--I was one sweaty mama to be!

Even with the sale, I spent quite a bit more than I had planned, but as far as pants go...I am set! I was so stoked. B was happy to see me so happy. I had tried pants on at target, old navy and even ross and nothing had been fitting me at all, so I did not have high hopes for Motherhood. Wow, I just couldn't have been more pleased!

And hello, why can't I wear these maternity jeans all the time? SO comfortable. Love!!

The sales girl was so sweet too. She was so curious to see how far I am since I have no bump... she was definitely surprised I was 18 weeks. But she said, as others have, that the bump will probably show up all of a sudden....now I'm prepared!

16 Weeks!

2011-07-02T16:48:00.000-07:00

My 16 week appointment was rather uneventful. Since I'd had an ultrasound at every prior appointment, I was full expecting to see our growing baby that afternoon. Instead, it was just a quick check-in and a listen to baby's heartbeat. I was a tad disappointed, as I had been hoping for an early gender reveal. No such luck. The nurse practitioner informed me that she has a horrible success rate with early gender predictions, so she wasn't going to roll in the machine to appease me.

I tried not to leave too disappointed. The heartbeat was found instantly and came in at a steady 156. After the appointment I scheduled the anatomy scan which will include the gender reveal for July 18th. I do not know if we can wait that long!

I have been feeling the baby move more and more. Just flutters, but they are becoming more noticeable and consistent! Last weekend B did the grocery shopping for me. I sent him with a few requests and coupons. There was a great deal on hummus, so I sent him with the coupon. After he delivered the goods, he told me it had taken him quite a while to locate the hummus at the store (B isn't really a hummus guy). A few days later I was indulging in carrot sticks and hummus when I felt the baby move for the first time. I texted B at work, "Baby either loves or hates hummus, but either way I just felt it move!!"

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 16 Weeks

Size of baby: Baby is the size of an avacado

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Lost 8lbs

Maternity Clothes: I'm wearing my normal clothes!

Gender: Can't wait to find out!

Movement: Felt some flutters last week and have feeling them more consistently!

Sleep: Lot's of tossing and turning!

What I miss: sleeping on my tummy, coffee (I've given up all caffeine)

Cravings: Mexican food (especially refried beans), deli sandwiches

Symptons: feeling really good, just more tired than usual

Best Moment this week: feeling baby move!

12 Weeks!

2011-06-30T05:30:00.000-07:00

25 May 2011

Dear Baby,

Today, I got to see you again! I was surprised to have another ultrasound at this Dr.'s visit--but I was definitely not complaining. You have grown so, so much. I am about 12w1day along. Your heartbeat was 159bbm. Still pretty high! I hear that means you might be a girl. We will see!

The Dr. had a very hard time getting your entire body into one frame for a picture. Her exact words were, "Uh-oh, you are in trouble. This baby is wild and moving everywhere" You really looked like you were dancing. I saw a hand, a foot, two hands. I think you even did a little turn. You looked so big on the screen, but you are really only the size of a lime I guess. Ha!

I'm still not showing at all. I'm not sure when you will pop out and I will need new clothes. For now I am thankful to fit into my wardrobe.

Daddy and I cannot seem to agree on a name for you. We've put the conversation to rest since we don't even know if you are a girl or a boy! Once we find out, we will start creating a list. It's my most favorite thing to think about, but unfortunately you have one stubborn daddy!

I have another appointment at 16 weeks. I'm hoping we might be able to see if you are a boy or a girl!

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 12 Weeks

Size of baby: Baby is the size of a lime

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I've lost 6lbs since starting my diabetic diet!

Maternity Clothes: Not at all. All of my clothes fit better than before!

Gender: dying to find out!

Movement: Not yet

Sleep: I'm sleeping okay - Having a hard time getting comfortable. Sleeping on my side is an adjustment

What I miss: Sleeping on my tummy!

Cravings: Mexican food, potatoes

Symptons: Haven't felt sick since week 9. Just super tired!

Best Moment this week: Seeing you dancing and moving!

A Wiggle from our Worm

2011-06-29T13:18:00.001-07:00

Dear Baby,

Today, Daddy came with me for our 8 week appointment. He was a little uncomfortable in the exam room, and definitely wasn't expecting to see me get a vaginal ultrasound. Because it's still early, the Dr. doesn't rub the machine across my belly just yet. Once he was over the sight of it all, Dad came to my side and watched as the image of you appeared on the screen. I saw you, and your big flashing heartbeat right away. The Dr. let us listen to your heart for several minutes. It is now beating at 185 beats per minute! A nice strong heartbeat! We both couldn't peel our eyes away from the screen. The Dr. was so sweet and just let us stare for quite a while. Then, we saw you move! I let out a big "awwww" as I saw you wiggle on the screen. The Dr. was so glad we were able to see it, as it was really exciting for us. You still look like a little blob, but she showed us where your head was and where your little arms are starting to form.

We are still so excited. The Dr. has kept your due date at 12/5/11, but I'm hoping you come a little early. We can't wait to celebrate our next Christmas with a beautiful baby!

A heartbeat

2011-06-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

15 April 2011

Dear Baby,

Today, I heard your heartbeat. And it changed me in so many ways. The past week has been rough. I've been having a lot of bleeding and have been very worried. I want you so much and my daydreaming has got the best of me. I just can't imagine losing you.
Our personal, on-call Dr., Auntie K told me she'd like me to go in today for an update, since I have been so worried and am still spotting. Luckily my Dr. had an opening. I was so, incredibly nervous. I had tears welling in the waiting room and could barely keep my legs from shaking as she did the ultrasound. Luckily, she found you very quickly and I saw your heart flickering immediately. I let out a huge sigh and let my tears fall for a second. When she turned the speaker on so I could hear your little heartbeat, I just couldn't help but laugh. I was so scared, and that sound just sent me over the moon.
You are about 6 weeks 4 days along, but were measuring at 6 weeks 1 day. Your heartbeat was 114bmp. That is a little low, but Dr. told me as long as it was over 100, she was pleased. She sent some pictures home for us to keep. I'm so glad I went. My mind is finally at ease. Even though it's still early, knowing you are in there and your heart is beating makes me feel at peace.

You've been making me very, very tired. Fortunately, I've had a lot of time at home this week and have been getting lots of rest. Daddy says I have the nose of a bloodhound since I can smell things from a mile away. Most smells have been making me gag and feel sick, especially in the morning. At this point, I'll take the nausea, as that's just a reminder that you are in there safe and sound!

You want a baby, Baby?

2011-06-08T08:30:00.000-07:00

The decision to attempt to bring a child into the world was not one I ever took lightly. From a very young age, I knew I wanted kids.

At age 20 I had a crazy six months where, even though I was in college without a boyfriend, I wanted a child very badly. It was almost an out of body experience. I would approach strollers at the mall, steal away the babies in my family and hold them for the entire duration of family get togethers. I was nuts. And no one was afraid to tell me that.

At 22 I left for law school and quickly met my future husband. There was no time to oogle over babies in law school. Once things were serious with B, I was having so much fun playing house and getting to know him, I had no idea when a baby would ever be on my mind again.

At 25 I was a law school grad, engaged and entering my chosen career. You couldn't get me to touch a baby with a ten foot pole. B's friends all had little ones, and while I loved and adored them, I was perfectly happy with my role as "Auntie". When people would ask how long we would wait before we started trying, I would, somewhat rudely snap, "I love my life, I don't want to ruin it!" Even though that was probably not the nicest thing to say to people who had babies, it was really and truly how I felt. Staying out, sleeping in, sleeping naked, having my man all to myself whenever I wanted, being able to make extra money at work because I didn't have a soccer game to get to. Life was really, really good.

At 26 I was married, working, watching my life long friends get married, travelling, staying out and sleeping in. Life was really, really good. School was far behind me and I was loving my job. All of my weekends were free, we were constantly visiting friends and cherishing our one on one time together as husband and wife. I was still very unwilling to think about a baby. Please!

I turned 27 the summer after we married. I had a real moment a few months before that where I pictured a life with no children. I really, really thought about that life. And it looked really, really amazing. Financially, time-wise, lifestyle-wise. We'd be able to continue doing whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. This idea became so intense, that I proposed it to B at one point. He never, ever took this seriously. He had wanted children for many years, he had told me this very early in our relationship and basically said he would never have pursued me if I had said I did not want children. I then ran the idea by my mom. Again, she thought I was joking. She remembered when I was 20. She remembered when I was even younger and was always talking about being a mommy. When I tried to get serious with her, she basically wouldn't even entertain the idea.

I moved on and decided I just wasn't ready. If I wanted children there would be a time where I would feel it, and I just wasn't feeling it yet. My mom had mentioned that she understood that we were very happy as a couple and how important it is to have that married time to yourselves. She did not seem too concerned that my childless vision would stick around for too long.

On our first anniversary B asked how I was feeling about the whole baby idea. I told him I really did want a baby. Who was I kidding? My childless thoughts really did scare me, but when I really did think about it, of course I wanted a child! The only thing was, when? Even though I know B sincerely wanted to start "trying" on our honeymoon a year earlier, he had been so sensitive to my need to explore this whole idea and really feel ready. He hadn't seriously brought it up since our honeymoon. It was like he was just patiently waiting for our anniversary. I told him, I still just didn't feel ready. I didn't want to do something this big without being ready. He said he understood, but I knew he was devastated.

That was October. Then came November. And then came December. About a week before Christmas, something hit me. Hard. I wanted a baby. Now. Instantly. Give me a baby. I told B, let's do this thing! I realized then how hard this year had been for him. When you're ready, you're ready and I just can't imagine how hard it would have been on me if the roles were reversed.

I only told a few people. I needed some advice. How long was this going to take? Would I have trouble? I began panicking. Would this take years? I want a baby. Now!

Three and a half months later, we knew we would have one.

A little Scare

2011-06-06T23:50:00.000-07:00

10 April 2011

Dear Baby,

You decided to give us a little scare this week. After we found out about you, I had some cramping and some spotting. I, of course googled everything and was very concerned that you weren't going to "stick". Many mommies lose their babies at this very early stage. Even though we'd only known about you for a couple days, Daddy and I were so upset that you may leave us. Luckily my cramping stopped, but my spotting only got worse. I called my Dr. and she said to come in. At 5weeks 3 days pregnant, I had an ultrasound and saw a little sac and a little yolk sac, but no baby yet. They told me you were too small to see yet. The size of a poppyseed! I was excited that they told me things were "normal".

Right after our appointment, Daddy and I went to Opening Day at AT&T park to see the Champion Giants return to their home turf. It was a really exciting day at the ballpark. We even talked about when we'd get to take you there! About the fourth inning, I started to feel as though something was wrong. I went to the bathroom and saw a lot of blood. I was so scared. Thankfully, your Auntie K is now a Dr. and an OBGYN at that. I was able to text her and she calmed me down so that I could enjoy the game. She said the blood may have been caused by the internal ultrasound I had hours before. That put my mind at ease, and I was able to watch the rest of the game. Giants beat the Cardinals in the 12th inning! It was a really exciting game to see in person.

Daddy knew I was upset, and took me out to dinner and calmed me down. The next day the bleeding continued. I was pretty worried we were losing you, but wasn't going to give up hope just yet.

The Day we Knew

2011-06-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

31 March 2011

Dear Baby,

Today, I found out you existed. I had gotten a negative pregnancy test on Monday, but by today (Thursday), my monthly visitor still hadn't showed, so I decided to test again. I was about 90% certain it would be negative, so I set it on the counter and started to run a bath for myself. I had some reading to do, and was enjoying an afternoon off from work. I settled in to the nice, warm bubbles and realized I hadn't looked back at the little white test resting on the counter. I leaned as far as I could to reach it and in my effort, it fell on the lid of the closed toilet. Before it even settled in place, I saw the very pale pink lines. There was a line I'd never, ever seen before. I picked it up and began examining that line as best I could. It was definitely there! My heart immediately burst and for some reason I just started to pray and say thank you aloud. Tears welled up in my eyes and I had no idea what to do next. I jumped out of the tub, dried off and instantly went to find another test. Our dear friend, S, had told me to buy a bunch of pregnancy tests from the dollar store, and to keep some more expensive digital tests as confirmation tests only. So I had to go find our digital tests in a hurry. It didn't take long for that test to flash "pregnant" on it's little screen.

Your daddy was still at work. I was bouncing around the house, trying to figure out how to tell him. I called him to see what time he thought he'd be home (something I do almost everyday) and he said he was one hour away. "Okay," I told myself, "I can wait that long". I tidied the house in anticipation. I put the digital test in a baggie and sealed it into an envelope. When daddy came home, I told him I had an early birthday present for him. I handed the envelope over, and without even looking at it he said, "Are you pregnant?". I had wanted to video his reaction, but I was too shaky and he was too quick! "Yes!! I screamed, and wrapped my arms around him. It took him a good five minutes to really process the information, even though he said later he could tell something was up when I called to see when he'd be home. I thought I sounded cool as a cucumber! Still, I could tell he didn't believe me at first. Finally he opened the envelope and saw for himself. Then I saw the tears. He didn't cry, but he was definitely misty. He has wanted you for so long!

He then began roaming around the house, pointing out all of the things we would need to change before you arrived. Where your room would be, what we would do with the things currently in that room, etc., etc. I guess that's just how your Daddy is. Meanwhile, I was just savoring the moment.

The Giants lost tonight, but nothing was going to damper Daddy's mood. We both smiled and literally giggled all night. Neither of us will ever forget this day!

A little sweetness for your Thursday

2011-06-02T05:30:00.000-07:00

I just adore this picture. This is my husband's cousin's daughter, and she is just the sweetest. We call her our niece. She has grown up quite a bit since this day. I'm so glad to have these!

Photos by Terra Tabbytosavit

Recipes!

2011-06-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

I have totally slacked on blogging. I'm not sure why? I was hoping to post a weekly menu, but no such luck. But here are some recipes I truly love.

The Pioneer Woman's Chicken Parmigiana. So easy. Simple ingredients and amazing flavor!

Gina's Asian Glazed drumsticks (I use thighs). Hubby and I both love, love this dish. I always have the ingredient on hand, so it's a very good weeknight meal.

The Pioneer Woman's Beef Fajitas. The recipe is for nachos, but I just make regular fajitas! The flavor is seriously out of this world. A definite crowd pleaser!

We have been eating out so much less in an effort to save money. I spend a lot of time planning weekly menus and shopping trips. It's really crazy how much money it saves to be organized and shop sales/coupons.

I've been scouring the web for great recipes, so feel free to add your favorite dish!

My first vlog...

2011-03-16T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'm really not a fan of videoing myself, buuuut...here goes 'nothin!

Menu Sunday

2011-01-23T20:35:00.000-08:00

I love, love, love Kate's Menu Sunday posts and also love how she reviews her last weeks' recipes. I get in huge cooking ruts on the regular, especially around this time of year where the novelty of winter meals is wearing off, but it's still not warm enough to get back to grilling. I find that if I create a weekly menu, I cut back significantly on time and money spent at the grocery store. Here's what's in store for this week:

Monday: Cooking Light's Cider Glazed Chicken - this comes

highly recommended by Kate. I'm excited to try it with some steamed broccoli and rice!

photo via Cooking Light

Tuesday: Bowtie Pasta Lasagna - with french bread and veggies. I found this while browsing The Pioneer Woman's Tasty Kitchen and thought it was something my hubby would most certainly love. Sounds like a great weeknight meal in a hurry.

Wednesday: San Francisco Chops in the Slow Cooker with white rice and broccoli. This was also found on Tasty Kitchen and sounds like a great meal. I love to use my crock pot and these flavors sound awesome!

photo: SF Chops via The Pioneer Woman Cooks

Thursday: Baked Lemon Pasta also from the Tasty Kitchen. I love the refreshing taste of lemon and vegetables in my pasta. I'll probably add a little sauteed chicken on top.

Friday: Tri-Tip on the bbq with yukon gold potatoes and green salad- hoping it will be a nice evening to grill one of our favorites. I do a dry rub of salt, pepper and prime rib seasoning.

Also, I finally found a printable shopping/menu list so thatI don't find myself running back and forth to the store for forgotten ingredients. Find and print here

Holiday Picks 2010: For the Ladies

2010-12-12T09:50:00.000-08:00

I'm having a great time coming up with gifts for my family this year. Thanks to Cyber Monday and Ebates, I am finding some amazing deals online. I do love to shop in stores, but the crowds of inexperienced shoppers swarming my retail stores make me anxious and impatient. With so many free shipping offers, I'm happy to click away from the comfort of my home. Make sure you check out ebates and sign up for great cash back on many online purchases! No strings attached-I have earned great cash back!

1. Ugg Bailey Button boots ($149). I l.o.v.e my ugg boots. I wear them a lot throughout fall and winter. I'm loving the more fashion forward Uggs that come out each year. I overheard my mom talking about wanting some black, fold over Ugg boots, so I ordered these on cyber Monday.

2. Sephora Black Diamond Metro Train Case ($110). This is actually on my wish list. I have outgrown all of my makeup storage. I don't like to keep things on my counter, so I need something I can close and tuck away under my bathroom sink. This limited edition black diamond Metro Train case from Sephora is perfect. Big enough to hold it all, but completely transportable.

3. Philosophy Amazing Grace Gift Set ($49)I noticed when I visited my Grandma in October, that she was using a very old perfume that smelled as though it may have gone sour. So, I hit up Ulta online via Ebates and found something I knew she would love. This set makes a beautiful gift and smells so amazingly good. Very light and clean with a slight floral/baby powder note.

4. Vera Bradley Hanging Organizer ($48)- I've never really been the biggest fan of Vera Bradley stuff, but my Mother-in-law loves it, and her stuff makes a great gift! The packaging is very nice, I have to admit. My in-laws travel A LOT and I thought this was a beautiful toiletry bag, big enough for long trips. I snagged this for half off (!!!) on Cyber Monday!

5. Family Plaque from Personalization Mall ($26.95). My sis-in-law recently purchased a home and her family became blended. I loved this because it is so neutral and pretty. I also love that instead of showcasing a last name (they don't all share the same), it showcases all of the names of the family. I think she will love it!

Happy Shopping!

Holiday Photo Cards and more at Shutterfly!

2010-11-23T09:27:00.000-08:00

B and I recently took some portraits for our annual holiday cards. I just LOVE sending and receiving holiday cards with a photo attached. We've sent holiday cards since before we were even married. After we adopted our dog, we just felt the need to show off our little family, holiday style. Since then, our friends and family have come to expect a photo of the three of us each Christmas season.

I love sending fashion forward cards and have used a few different printing companies when designing our photo cards, including Shutterfly. This year, I was really impressed and overwhelmed with the extremely stylish and unique designs available at Shutterfly! I was even more excited when I learned about their promotion for bloggers! Go here to see the deal on getting free cards!

Since I've used Shutterfly many, many times and know that their products are of great quality, and with their constant promotions and discount codes, I find myself coming up with fun projects including photo books and specialty prints. Definitely take a moment to look at their super stylish designs for this holiday season.

Love the idea of purchasing personalized gift tags. Can't you just picture this atop a plate of Christmas cookies? Or tied around a bottle of wine! Love it! This design found here

I am loving the corresponding address labels. Such a Christmas-chic touch! Find these here.

So much to choose from! I would love to see what y'all come up with for your own cards!

Do I need a Keurig Coffee Maker?

2010-11-15T17:51:00.000-08:00

I've seen a few bloggers/tweeters go on and on about how much they love their Keurigs. I tend to see this brand mentioned the most, as opposed to Tassimo or Senseo. Since we received a very nice krups coffee maker for our wedding, I never really considered adding another small electric to our arsenal of appliances. But, my mom called me last night to tell me she had bought herself an early birthday present and was just overjoyed (and most likely, over-caffeinated). She was sipping a freshly brewed cup of coffee from her brand new Keurig and basically told me to run, not walk to my nearest retailer and purchase one immediately. She gave me a 15 minute informercial-style rundown, and it got me wondering, do I need one?

Anyone have one, thoughts?

A wedding recap, one year later!

2010-11-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

We have been married for over a year. Crazy. And, somehow I never recapped the wedding. I really miss blogging. I'm still an avid blog reader, but just haven't felt compelled to write, until right now.

Our wedding was truly a beautiful experience. It was so much more than I could have imagined. We lucked out with gorgeous weather. It was about 75 degrees, a beautiful blue sky, peppered with clouds and no crazy wind during our hilltop ceremony. Thanks to Kate Miller Events, our day went incredibly smoothly. We had some issues with Taber Ranch's staff, but of course Kate was able to work everything out and I felt nice and calm all day.

My bridesmaids looked gorgeous, my family looked amazing and I definitely felt like a beautiful bride. The food was a huge hit, as was our signature cocktail, the "Maverick Lemonade", an ode to our cherished bulldog. I was incredibly impressed with our DJ, In the mix916. Not so impressed with our bartender, but really, there isn't much I could complain about once the day was through!

A main wish for my wedding day was that I'd get to dance all night with my guests. And dance we did. I don't think I left the dance floor but once all night. After the wedding, I briefly wondered if that was a mistake. Did I ignore the guests who didn't dance? But honestly, I had the best time and am so glad I was able to interact with all of my friends who were getting busy on the dance floor with us.

Yes, that's me in the plum cardigan, getting very into the music, as I tend to do. I changed from my lace bolero to a simple plum cardigan, and I love how it came out in photos.

all photos by Terra Tabbytosavit Photography

The Flowers Part I

2010-11-14T19:13:00.000-08:00

My MOH's family is a huge part of our lives. Her father married us and her mom offered to spearhead out centerpieces. While she was up for the challenge of the bouquets, etc. I decided to go the professional route for those. Unfortunately, I liked our DIY flowers SO much more than our pro-personal flowers.

After the rehearsal dinner was through, I "invited" my bridesmaids, moms and MOH's mom up to my suite to help me arrange all of our centerpieces. I had warned them all that I was counting on their help and they were all up for the challenge (of course)!
I had purchased all of glassware at a local thrift store. I bought bud vases, cylinder vases, fish bowl vases-basically anything that was plain. I spent under $40 on all of the vases for the entire wedding.
The morning of the rehearsal, my brother and I headed to the wholesale flower mart where we had made a pre-order. Friday mornings at a large wholesale flower market can be NUTS and this Friday morning was no exception. They did not have many of the flowers I had requested, but I was somehow able to do a super-market sweep style run through the freezing refridgerator room with lightening speed. We ended up with JUST the right amount of flowers. Tons of dahlias, hydrangea, mums, spray roses along with beautiful, hand-selected "filler".

My hotel suite soon became a centerpiece factory and we were done with everything in just over an hour. I could not have been happier with how they turned out. No two were alike and all of the colors really popped!

Websites I Love!

2010-06-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to share a few sites that I have been using quite frequently lately!

Fatsecret.com

When my WW online subscription ran out, I was not planning on renewing. A friend of mine told us about fatsecret. You can tell fatsecret what diet you are following and it will help you along by counting points. Their online food databank is unparalleled. I've been using it religiously for the past month and it's a super easy way to track cals and points. And the best part--totally free!

ebates.com

I found ebates through twitter, and am loving my shopping bonuses! Simply register at ebates and start there before you make an online purchase. It's SO nice to calculate an extra savings at places like old navy and macys. There's no catch-I can attest to receiving my "big fat check" in the mail after all of my holiday shopping!

outright.com

I am technically considered an independent contractor, which means I am responsible for paying my own taxes. It is a DRAG. I never considered myself great with money, but this past year has taught me so much. I use outright to track my income/expenses. I still use a professional tax service for now, but I'm hoping to be able to do it on my own next year.

Any other great websites I should know about?

Walmart and Tory?

2010-06-14T16:47:00.000-07:00

So, I admit, I love wal-mart. I prefer to shop there over target. The reason? When I go for toilet cleaner, a broom, shaving cream and motor oil, I leave with exactly that. I usually do not care for their clothes, shoes or random home decor items. So on my last visit, as I was searching for the restroom, I took a shortcut through the women's shoe aisle, and spotted these familiar flip flops. They reminded me a lot of the Tory Burch Miller Thongs, so I decided to try them on. Super comfortable, in my size, and wait for it...on rollback for $8.00. Sweet! I picked them up in pewter, but really should have just bought them in all three colors!

Take a look at walmart's version

and Tory's

Obviously you will find a great variation in quality, but for the price, I'm digging my tory-look-a-like's. I even had my hair stylist fooled :)

Married for Six Months!

2010-04-06T07:57:00.001-07:00

I can't believe we have been husband and wife for six months already! We have been enjoying a blissfully peaceful six months. Since returning from our honeymoon, not a whole lot has happened in our lives. We've been working hard, trying to determine what we want next. Travel? Kids? A new home? Lots to think about, but no rush!With my bridesmaids on wedding day.

photo: Terra Tabbytosavit

I'm getting the itch to blog again. I do want to finish up wedding recaps, but afterwards, I'd like to make this blog more of a diary of our life as a couple, rather than a wedding inspiration hub. I've really enjoyed seeing other bloggers make this transition, and I'm looking forward to doing the same! But with two of my bridesmaids getting married this fall, there's sure to be more wedding goodies to come!

Gifts for the Groomsmen

2009-11-29T14:14:00.001-08:00

The boys were so hard to shop for! Since B is not a huge drinker, the ever-popular flasks weren't very fitting. He does work in the beer industry, so we thought of doing a huge beer stein, but his best man had those at his own wedding, so we wanted something original. After a google search lead me to Ebay, I found the perfect gift--personalized mini LED mag lites. The set came with a mini pocket knife that was also engraved with their initials. B has an unhealthy obsession with flashlights--he pretty much collects them, and we knew his groomsmen would appreciate the useful memento.

Via Ebay, I found this company. While the mag lites were a little more than we had hoped to spend, they were just too perfect. They turned out beautifully, and were delivered in no time. All the boys seemed to "get" the idea of the gift, and several report that they use it!

Gifts for the Bridesmaids

2009-11-29T13:49:00.001-08:00

Sometime back when I was in college, I had seen a fellow sorority sister with a huge, white makeup bag with her name on it. I LOVED it and found out it was from Pottery Barn. For some reason, I had always thought it would be the cutest bridesmaid gift. While I probably could have found cheaper, personalized makeup bags, I decided to go for it and order the PB version. They turned out SO cute!

photo: pottery barnphoto: terra tabbytosavit

Inside each personalized bag was a lip gloss, nail file, Tylenol, chandelier earrings, and a "gift certificate" for $20 towards their wedding day hair/makeup. I was so happy to make the day more affordable, since most of my girls had to travel to get to our wedding.

This is the best picture I have right now of the chandelier earrings I bought for my girls. They were nice and sparkly! Since each bridesmaid wore different colors and different styles, I thought it would be nice to have something that matched. These earrings were purchased in Los Angeles in the Fashion District. I also purchased a ring for my maid of honor, my earrings and bracelet and my mom and grandmas wedding day jewelry there. Great deals!

Our Taber Ranch Wedding: The Week Before

2009-11-15T21:20:00.000-08:00

I made the decision to work the week before our wedding. I think it was a good decision, I had a lot to do, but with Kate Miller and my other wedding "elves" lending a hand, it was very manageable!

My parents arrived on Wednesday and ran some last minute errands around town for me. My bridesmaid, A made table runners (actually, table squares) from the same fabric we used as our invitation pockets. My other A bridesmaid made our ring bowl as well as completely headed up our "fauxtobooth". I don't know what I would have done had they not offered to help and really insisted that I give them jobs! Take advantage of those girls who are always there for you! Not all of my bridesmaids were as "hands-on" but looking back I think I should have just handed over jobs to them. That's why they are in your wedding in the first place! Remember that most people love to help and be involved, even if you don't find them volunteering!

Our handmade ring bowl! The back says 10-3-09 and Forever. Swoon! photo: terra tabbytosavit

My last minute jobs involved printing, printing and finalizing our ceremony. My MOH's father was our officiant and completely took control of his role, which was so nice! I told him we wanted a quick, personal ceremony and that's exactly what we had!

I found myself really letting go of the little stuff during the week before the wedding. I just couldn't wait to finally get married! B and I went and got our marriage license early Friday morning (day of rehersal!) it was so sweet and exciting. That is one of my favorite moments of the whole wedding weekend. I felt so lucky to have a man so enthusiastic about marrying me.

Alter-cations

2009-11-05T06:51:00.000-08:00

So about a month before our wedding day, I began my bridal gown alterations. I did end up purchasing the Maggie Sottero Nadine sample from House of Fashion in Sacramento. After negotiating with the manager, I was able to get the dress for about 40% off with a full cleaning and repair. While I was truly hesitant to purchase such a dishevled sample, it was the only dress I wanted. So I got it.

Thus, alterations began. The dress was just slightly too big for me. I met with my alterations lady, Ramona and we got started. I told her I wanted a more defined sweetheart bustline, and that I had been told, before purchasing, that it would be a simple "one-stitch" procedure. She agreed, showed me how it was to be done and told me to come back in a week to try it on.

I came back. The dress looked horrible. The bustline looked as if someone pinched it and stuck a pin in, and called it a day. I saw the single stitch holding it together and asked Ramona if there was any way we could get rid of the stitch and go back to the original. Since I was positive that could be done, I didn't panic, didn't raise my voice, just told her I changed my mind. She was livid. She went on and on. I looked at my attendant who looked horrified and I seriously almost started laughing. Ramona told me that she could not remove the stitch, that I had asked for that stitch and that it looked fine. Since my attendant obviously disagreed, the two left the room to discuss. There I was, on the bridal platform with a seriously messed up dress three weeks before my wedding.

Then I heard them call Nagy, another seamstress. There were several voices toppling one another. There was whispering, and then there was Russian. The two seamstresses began arguing, very loudly in their native tounge. I had to hold myself up to keep from laughing. Seriously? It went on for a good three minutes before Nagy, seamstress #2 bounced into the room. "She is fired, I take care of you, " the four-foot nine Russian said in her thick acccent as she climbed the bridal platform. With one snip, my dress was whole again. She worked miracles on my dress and it ended up looking exactly as I had wanted.

Of course, Ramona was not actually fired. Just fired from my dress. It was a ridiculous scene, one that could have been much worse. I had to commend myself for not being one of those brides who would have completely lost it in a situation like this. I ducked out, hoping Ramona was no where in sight.

One month Ago

2009-11-03T10:52:00.001-08:00

We've been married since October 3rd. It was an amazing, amazing day. The weather was exactly what I was hoping for, and everything else really seemed to fall into place (with the help of all my wedding elves of course).

Full recaps coming soon. Our photog is getting photos to me by tomorrow...here is the teaser she sent me...

Terra Tabbytosavit Photography

Up-Do Trial!

2009-10-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

Hair is very important on an every day basis, but of course it's even more important on your wedding day. I was so fortunate to have my old hair dresser come out of retirement (not really, she just took a couple years off to be home with her baby) right before our wedding. She was extremely generous and gave me and my bridesmaids a great deal. Not to mention she gave me TWO trial runs! I was able to get photos of the last one.
The front is parted with a "side sweep" and lots of teasting at the crown. I did bring in a picture, but told her to put her own twist on it. I told her I wasn't as concerned with the back as I was the front, and that I wanted to have lots of height on the top! Leia Roten is my stylist and she really worked wonders with my thin, shoulder length hair!

Trust your gut

2009-10-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

My dear B is not into clothes, fashion, or photos. So when I tried to get his input on what type of tuxedo he'd like to wear, his response was minimal. I had saved a picture of a group of groomsmen in all black tuxes, with the groom sporting a white tie and vest. I showed him, he approved and I was happy. Over the next few months, I described this vision to other family members and friends and was meant with mixed, if not disapproving responses. All black? They scoffed. Wont it be too hot? Wont that look to dismal? I began to second guess. photo: Perez Photography

So when I was finally able to wrangle B into the tux shop to look at options, I was very unsure of what we were looking for. The manager at Men's Wearhouse was nice, informative and knoledgeable, but with the myriad of choices and combos, he was not forthcoming with a specific opinion.

He kindly put together my all black look, and placed it next to the white "groom" maniquen. I was really bummed that there was nothing for B to try on. How could we decide? After several maniquen costume changes, we went right back to "our" original idea. Why is it that we don't trust out gut?

Our best visual example. B and I agreed, the all black really fit with the personalities of his groomsmen. It was so nice to check this off the list!

Las Vegas Bachelorette Party!

2009-10-24T21:45:00.001-07:00

Best.Cup.Ever. Courtesy of my brothers amazing girlfriend.

Our joint bachelor-bachelorette party in Vegas was amazingness. We ended up staying at the Flamingo after figuring it was the best deal on the Central strip. It ended up being a great location with an above average pool and decent rooms!

While I only remember snippets of the entire weekend (it was that fun), I loved our shirts. Here is the best picture I have of all of them together.

With my bitches in Vegas. Does it get any better?

Bridal Shower #2: Recap

2009-10-24T21:30:00.000-07:00

Since I had a shower in Northern California, my mom and grandma wanted to throw a family shower in my hometown in Southern California. Rather than have another girly brunch, we opted for a couples barbeque to involve B, my brother, uncles and other significant others. It was a casual evening, but lots of fun and great to celebrate our upcoming wedding with my close family and friends.

My generous aunt offered to make the centerpieces for our shower. She purchased purple and pink blooms from Trader Joes and worked her magic. They were beautiful. Simple white chairs and purple linens completed the look.My grandma spoiled us with a beautiful cake from our favorite Socal bakery, The Bread Basket. If you are anywhere near Camarillo-it is amazing!

I'm so glad we ended up with two showers to accomodate all of our friends and family. So much fun.

Bridal Shower #1: Re-Cap

2009-07-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Memorial day weekend was completely full of goodness. My mom and grandma arrived in town on Thursday evening. We enjoyed dinner with B that night followed by a full day of shopping. Grams tried on a few grandma-of-the-bride dresses and I took them around to look at my top bridal gown prospects. It was so much fun to try on dresses for them. And by the end of the day-my dress was purchased! It felt amazing to cross that off the list! Big!***

bridal shower outfit: Ruby Rox Dress from Macy's paired with a short-sleeved, fuchsia cardigan from GAP and matching Glint peep toes from Nordstrom

Saturday I hosted a BBQ for B's cousin (and my BM) who just had her second child, an adorable baby boy. It was a beautiful day! Then Sunday we were off to my bridal shower in San Francisco. It was fabulous.

MOH's parents live in a beautiful home in SF that has a great party room downstairs with views of the ocean and part of the Golden Gate. The room was completely color coordinated to match the invitation MOH had picked out. MOH's father (who owns a restaurant in the city) was our chef. They served an absolutely yummy champagne brunch of eggs Benedict, potatoes, a salad, strawberries and cream and an assortment of sweet cakes and rolls. I wish I would have remembered to get a picture of the entire spread.

The decor was fabulous, but my favorite part of the shower were the games! MOH had delegated and two of my bridesmaids worked together to come up with unique games that I would love (I told them no toilet paper dresses).

The first game was a great ice breaker for our 20 guests. Since several of my SoCal friends had not met my NorCal friends, this was a great way for everyone to get acquainted. Bridesmaid A had made up little cards where she instructed everyone to write a piece of advice for us. If you knew B better, they were to write advice to me about him. If you knew A (me) better, you were to write advice to B about me. Then we went around the table and each guest read their little piece of advice. Lots of laughter and even a few tears ensued. I loved it. It was so sweet and so nice to hear such genuine things from my friends and family. So fun! I will always treasure those cards.

Next it was time for me to be quizzed. BM A had called and asked B a bunch of questions about himself. For every incorrect answer, I had to chew on a piece of bubbalicious. I was on a roll until the last few questions....has anyone tried to chew three pieces of bubblegum? It was pretty funny. The guests enjoyed hearing B's answers and I think B got a kick out of it as well (he texted me to see what I'd missed).

Then the guests were asked to divide into teams and become my wedding coordinator for the day. With piles of bridal magazines, each group was to make an idea board representing what they thought I wanted my wedding to look like. It was pretty great to see them working together and coming up with a collage of beautiful images. It was pretty hard to choose, but the winning team was pretty stoked when I finally decided they got it right.

This is a photo of one of the collages. This one was not the winner...

We played a couple more games planned my another of my bridesmaids and then opened gifts (got my all-clad set!!) and enjoyed some amazing cake. I wish they could do my wedding cake. Several of the guests went back for seconds (and thirds!) because it was just that good. It came from Mazzeti's in Pacifica, CA. I don't think I could recommend this place enough-just amazing!

Such a perfect weekend. I can't believe it came and went so fast.

** I thank you all SO much for the dress feedback. I am so happy with my choice and I can't wait for you to see which one I chose.

Dream Team addition: Kate Miller Events

2009-06-25T23:08:00.001-07:00

photo: sarah maren

I'm happy to introduce the newest addition to our wedding dream team: Kate of Kate Miller Events! You may know her as the author of Kate's Wedding or as Mrs. Pomegranate over at Weddingbee. I know her as my go-to for all things wedding. When she started her own event company, I knew she would be the perfect fit for our day of coordinator.

Very early on in the wedding planning stages I found Kate's blog, was completely inspired to start my own blog, and the rest is history. For the past 15 months she has been an invaluable source of information. She planned her own gorgeous wedding, and is now lending her talent to other brides in need.

It's very rare for me to have complete faith in someone, but Kate's amazing sense of style and borderline insane organization skills make it easy to trust her with being my right hand man on the day of.

I met with Kate today and admitted to her that I was feeling a bit burnt-out on the wedding planning. She was so understanding and did not pressure me to make any final decisions quite yet. I am starting to feel much more relaxed even though there is so much to do in the next three months!

Check out a recent Kate Miller Events wedding here.

Shower Me!

2009-05-19T04:50:00.000-07:00

MOH is hosting my first bridal shower! It's this coming Sunday at her parent's home in San Francisco. I'm so excited!

Initially, I was trying to plan my own shower. MOH finally stepped in and told me that as much as I wanted to, I was out of luck-she was hosting and would be planning and I was not to worry about a thing. She selected these lovely invites from Wedding Paper Divas. Love them!

I'm super excited to see so many of my favorite women all in one place! Since most of my extended family is in Socal, we will also have a shower down there so not everyone must travel! My bridal party (except for Doctor K who is about to graduate!) and B's family, along with my mom and grandma will be there. Almost 20 all together which is a lot more than I was excpecting!

The only thing I have to worry about it what to wear!

The Bach-Fest!

2009-05-18T16:10:00.000-07:00

As a preface, I LOVE Las Vegas. I almost moved there for law school but decided to stay in CA. I've probably been to Vegas over 50 times. Forty of those times was to go water skiing at nearby Lake Mead with my family. Since I turned 21 I've gone a handful of times for various birthdays to party it up. I'm not a huge wait-in-line club person, but I do love to dance and can definitely get my drink on. My best memories of Vegas are the times where we ended up doing something completely random. My worst memories are trying to fit in at some overpriced club that wasn't fun.

We were always planning on doing a Jack-n-Jill bachelor party. I could seriously care less about strippers and the like, so going to Vegas together seemed like a ton of fun. Many of B's groomsmen are married (or pretty much married) and I've become great friends with a couple of their SOs. One big party seems like the perfect plan.

Now it's time to pick a place to stay. Since I'm no big shot gambler, I don't have a ton of connections in Vegas. We're looking to have a girls suite and a boys suite. So far our best bet seems to be the Venetian. We were told that Venetian's new sister property, The Palazzo is super nice and has slightly larger rooms. Since their smaller suite can sleep 6-7, it's actually quite a bargain despite the fact that it's one of Vegas' most expensive hotels.

Our group will be a random mix of my single bridesmaids, married groomsmen, my brother and his girlfriend and us. Like I said, you wont find us waiting in long lines for a posh club, but because it's Vegas-we do want to do something super fun.

The itinerary for now is to have a kick back night of drinking and catching up on Friday night (we'll arrive late afternoon). Have a boys day (who knows) and a girls day (pool and drinks please) on Saturday and meet up that night for our big night out.

Would love to hear any feedback on Vegas or joint bach-parties in general!

Cheers!

Oh Nadine!

2009-05-17T09:08:00.001-07:00

Alright, so I left the last shop feeling confident that the Maggie Sottero Nadine dress was the one. Despite seeing some lovely dresses during my las shopping trip, I just kept comparing them to the Maggie, and none of them were comparing.

Maggie Sottero Nadine

I decided to come back to try on the Maggie. I called the shop, talked to an extremely rude lady on the phone and asked if it was at all possible to have the dress steamed or pressed as it was extremely wrinkled. The rude girl gave me a ten minute lecture about how long it would take to steam the gown and how much work it would take. I wasn't expecting the lecture, so I squeaked out an "ok, just asking" as she caught her breath. Later, Mina called me. She told me she did not want to clean and press the gown because every time you do that to a gown it loses a little of it's luster and she would want to make sure this was my dress before she put my gown through the process. Wait? What? My gown? I have to order this particular gown? As in the sample? She then told me that Nadine was discontinued as of April 15th and I would be purchasing the sample (at a discount of course). This dress is a size too big which is better than a size to small. But there are some issues. Enter that sinking feeling. Are you kidding me?

Let me back up and say that I have now been to six dress stores and they all treated their samples a bit differently, but this particular shop was the absolute worst. Gowns on the ground, thrown into their plastic bags etc, etc. This particular sample was very wrinkled with about four noticeable marks and stains. Why? Oh why?
Mina suggested this satin bolero that mimicked the rouching of the dress. This one was too small, but you get the idea. Thoughts?

I came in to try her on and to really look it over knowing that this was the actual dress. I still loved it, but I just felt so frustrated. The gown was offered to me at 30% off. Decent, but not what I was hoping for. I was assured the stains would come out and was told the gown would look just like new and would be altered perfectly. I left feeling so confused. Was this a sign that this is not my dress?

That afternoon I ventured into a nearby shop, Miosa Couture. I had called the store, talked to the owner who was exceptional and invited me to stop by. I had time, found a parking spot and was there within five minutes. Wow! What a gorgeous boutique. I was told that each gown is custom made to fit the bride and that they use a special "built in" corset that aids in creating a beautiful shape.

People-this place was amazing. I felt completely out of my league. The fabrics were amazing, the dresses felt great. I had two favorites and was told it would be no problem to combine the two to create my "dream gown" for the bargain price of $2900, including all alterations and my undergarments.

I'm not sure if I've talked about my dress budget before. A year ago, it was $500. That quickly jumped to $1000 once I saw what $500 would get me. I decided I wanted $1000 to include all alterations and hopefully a veil and shoes (realistic?). With my discount, the Maggie Nadine dress would be within budget. The Miosa custom dress-not so much. Fortunately, once I came home and uploaded my pics, I still loved the Maggie dress the most. Whew! I have to admit that the Miosa dress did feel better on, but since none of them really fit, none of them really spoke to me.

So I had a decision to make. I decided to make one more stop that day. House of Fashion is a well known bridal shop in Sacramento. They also have an outlet, HOF II about ten blocks away. Gowns are purchased off the rack. Once I walked in I was told they only had one (ugly) dress in my size. The lady was very nice and suggested their main store. I explained the situation and she sympathized with me, telling me it was only a matter of time before Nadine ended up at the outlet. She asked if I was a gambler. Ha. I know the price will be lower once it gets to the outlet. But who knows when that will be. I think I'd feel comfortable if they took another $100 off.

Should I work my mad negotiating skills? Do I go back to Alfred Angelo and get the sequined bust dress? Can I please where jeans and a black top to my wedding?

BGDC, Pt V

2009-05-16T12:22:00.001-07:00

For my fifth store, I met up with FMIL at Downtown Gowns in Vacaville. I had read some great reviews of this smaller shop and thought it was worth a trip while I was in town. I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of larger samples available to try on. The owner was very polite and helpful and I was really impressed with her taste. I thought every dress was beautiful, but left with thought is of the Maggie I had tried on previously.

Would love to hear what you think!

BGDC, Pt IV

2009-05-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

Next stop was also spur of the moment. I had hearings in downtown Sacramento and decided to stop by House of Fashion afterwards. I had heard some pretty bad things about this shop, but thought it was worth checking out since I had the time. It was a quiet Monday. I arrived and was instantly introduced to my attendant, Mina and her assistant. From then on it was literally a tornado of dresses. I hated the first two they put me in and they seriously had those dresses on and off me in less than two minutes. The third dress was pretty, but not quite right. I thought the skirt was really pretty, but it just didn't feel right. I believe it was by La Sposa.

Then I saw the fourth, Nadine by Maggie Sottero. It was like a breath of fresh air. Finally! The simple, asymmetrical dress I was searching for! Mina was seriously a dream attendant. She didn't fawn over me but she definitely knew her stuff. Before I could finish describing the "messy" bustle I was looking for-she had the back manipulated to exactly the look I've been hoping for. Mina was a seamstress for many years and really understood the look I was trying to describe. She even found a lace bolero for me to try with the dress. While I want to have one made from alencon lace, this really helped to give me a visual.

I was so disappointed with how the pictures came out. Part of that is because the sample was extremely wrinkled. Believe me when I say that this dress was really beautiful and fit so well. It was slightly big, but I loved the cut and loved that there was no beading or embroidery!

It was time for some serious decision making!

BGDC, pt III

2009-05-10T21:01:00.001-07:00

Shopping trip number three was completely spur of the moment. I was up in Roseville for work and had a two hour wait until my appointments. I had seen that there was a new Alfred Angelo store and it seemed like the perfect way to kill two hours. I walked in on a Monday morning and was the only customer in sight. I was presented with a small catalogue to look through. As I flipped the pages, I thought about leaving. I didn't see a single dress I wanted to try. I pointed to a few dresses, and told myself I had nothing better to do. To my surprise, she had every dress in my size (or a little larger).

alfred angelo style 2007

I picked this first dress only because I had never tried anything like this before. I was seriously shocked at how much I loved it. I only had my phone to take pictures, so you can't see the beautiful lace on the bust area. The skirt was layers of chiffon. My favorite part was the way it fell in the back. I kept this dress on for a long time because it felt great. But I knew it just wasn't my dress. It just wasn't enough. For a split second I thought about this as a reception dress. As in two dresses. The price was in the $600 range.

Alfred Angelo Sapphire Collection Style 810

The above dress was the most expensive dress I tried. I loved the fabric and the way the skirt was very random in its pick ups. I didn't love the plain ballgown look. While we both agreed this is a very pretty dress, I told my attendant (who was a doll) that I really liked an asymmetrical bodice. I hadn't seen any in the catalogue, so I started browsing the racks for anything with an asymmetrical look, just so I could see the difference for myself.

Alfred Angelo Style 1136

I found this dress on the racks and thought it was way too "blingy" for me. But it was in my size, and had the bodice I was looking for. I was really just trying to remind myself (and convince my attendant) that I loved what this type of dress did for my figure. When I came out in this dress, my attendant laughed at how right on I had been. I loved, loved, loved this dress. It was in the $800 range and felt so great on. It had the sweetheart neck and the asymmetrical bodice. I wasn't in love with the skirt, but we talked about making a few alterations so that it would have a more luxurious look. As soon as I got this dress on my attendant had her first appointment show up. I was also now running late for my work appointments, so I scurried out of this dress and planned on coming back with friends.

Had I found the one?

Big Girls Don't Cry, Pt II

2009-04-26T11:08:00.001-07:00

Shopping trip number two was an unexpected stop at a Santa Rosa bridal shop. I was in town for work and when my brother's girlfriend told me her coworkers had all found their dresses here, I decided it was worth a trip. While the shop was rather large, they really didn't have that many dresses. We went around and pulled the dresses we liked, but in the end, many of the size 8 samples just wouldn't fit over this bod. So I tried on what I could. I didn't find my dress here, but it was an improvement from DBs, so I'm glad I went.

This trip solidified my love for the sweetheart neckline. Because I am quite busty, the sweetheart line gives some definition unlike the strait across strapless. I also discovered that I love an asymmetrical bodice. While I don't think I would have picked that look initiall, it did wonders for me. These are three of the dresses I tried on. I think put on six total, but many were not the right dress.

Thank you all so much for your comments, tips and ideas.

Stay tuned for part III.

Big Girls Don't Cry, Part I

2009-04-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

Alright, I finally did it. I went dress shopping. I'd been engaged for 13 months, we're getting married in less than 6 and I hadn't set foot in a bridal shop. After many people almost fainted with anxiety over the fact that I hadn't tried on dresses yet, I gave in and went. As of today I've been to three shops. I think I may have found the one (or two). But, I would like to look at a couple more places just for fun. Yes, I said fun.

I was dreading dress shopping for a number of reasons. While I'm actually pretty comfortable with my plus sized body, putting this plus sized body into a white sleeveless dress was something I wasn't so comfy with. Secondly, I hate the idea of a twenty two year old size 0 salesgirl trying to convince me of how amazing I look in something that I can clearly see looks like crap. And lastly, I wasn't convinced that many bridal shops would even have a sample large enough for me to try on. I was scared!

A couple weeks ago, I randomly had a Monday off from work. Since one of my bridesmaids is now on maternity leave, she was available and really wanted to come. So we set off for David's Bridal with the intention of "getting ideas". I was fairly certain I wasn't going to find my dream dress there based on some previous experiences, but I knew they would have larger samples and I just needed to get my butt into a dress.

Two hours into our shopping trip, I was in tears. I'm not sure if it was the lady helping us, or the really horrid dresses or just sheer frustration with myself, but I cried. Now that I think of it, it was definitely all of the above. The lady helping us sat down and looked at the pictures I had collected of different ensembles that involved a simple strapless gown with a lace bolero. I mentioned that I may like a billowing skirt with a few pick-ups. She then proceeded to bring me the most hideous beaded gowns with huge skirts. I went with it, afterall I was being open to all of the possibilities.

Six dresses, two veils, one tiara and silk flower late, I politely told her I was ready to leave. She hadn't presented me with a single strapless, simple dress. I could feel myself brewing. Once back in the car, I felt my tears coming.

Like I said before, I am actually pretty comfortable with my body. But my arms are a whole different story. My arms are very, very big. I never, ever where anything sleeveless, so trying on sleeveless gowns was only making me realize how far I have to go to get these arms in shape. I don't know what my expectations were, but clearly they were not met. I felt like I wasted two hours of my life trying on dresses that would never work.

Above are pictures we took of the "good" ones. There were a few others that I don't care to remember.

Part II coming soon!

Word

2009-03-31T15:50:00.000-07:00

Wow, I have to tell ya, I never thought much about invitation wording. I contacted a calligrapher, the famed Michele Clark, many moons ago about hand-writing our invitations. I know she is going to do a fabulous job, and every time I see a calligraphied invitation it only confirms my absolute love for their simple elegance. source

I have been so caught up in the look of the invite, that I've completely disregarded the actual text. Our whole wedding is comprised of the perfect marriage of formal and casual. While calligraphy is consistent with a traditional, formal wedding, the fabric sleeve gives it that home made, rustic edge.

source

So how to merge the two with the wording? I must admit I'm not a huge fan of the traditional "honour of your presence" wording. I've always loved the more personal, celebratory language. My personal favorite is "...request the pleasure of your company" because really, that's what we're doing. We're only inviting the people that we really want to be around while we make the biggest commitment of our lives. As for the rest, I'm not sure. I'd like as little wording as possible so that the calligraphy can really shine.

Also, since we're doing the fabric pocket, with part of the invite peaking out, I'd like to start with our names. Technically, my parents are hosting our wedding (we are paying for certain details ourselves) but since I'm trying to go with as little wording as possible (especially up top) I decided against including their names. My parents were completely understanding and seemed like they could care less.

Here's what I have so far:

Amy ... .... & B... ..... .... (this will be up top, peaking out above the fabric pocket)

Together with their families,

Request the pleasure of your company

at their wedding ***
Saturday, the blank of October
Two Thousand and Nine
at half past blank in the afternoon***
Taber Ranch

Capay California

Drinks, Dinner, and Dancing to Follow***

***these are the lines I'm not sure about. Suggestions wanted! What time does afternoon end and evening begin? 5:00pm? Do you like the drinks, dinner and dancing line? I'm just a fan of the alliteration and think it will be so pretty written out. I'm going to send this over to Michele soon. Your feedback is appreciated!

Bake me a Cake!

2009-03-29T08:34:00.000-07:00

I've posted about cake before. It's not anywhere near the top of my priority list. So long as it tastes delish, I'm good. My dear old grandma made me promise not to get a grocery store cake. I think her exact words were, "Don't chintz on the cake!" Moments later, she offered to pay for it. Despite her generosity, I was still determined to keep the cake reasonable. After contacting several brides who have been married at our venue, the overwhelming recommendation was for a bakery in the small town of Woodland. Timothy's bakery is much closer to the venue than any of the Sacramento bakeries and has a great reputation. Apparently Tim is the only "certified master baker" in the area.

our samples

Last weekend, my bridesmaid K took a break from her life as a medical student in Ohio to visit me. I made an appointment at Timothy's for Friday morning, and we headed there for some extra sweet breakfast. There's no denying Woodland is a small town, and being in the bakery is like stepping back in time. The air is dense with sugar and the people are refreshingly casual and helpful.

Timothy's is known for their champagne cake, but unfortunately it is too light and airy for a stacked wedding cake. We tried it anyway. It was good, but I wasn't dying over it. Their white cake was really good, nice and moist and dense. We also tried their applesauce cake just for the fun of it. It definitely tasted like a muffin, so good.

This is what the simple edging will look like. source

While I had mostly brought in pictures of 3-tier cakes, when we looked at the crazy-cheap prices (compared to any Sacramento baker) we began to toy with the idea of a fourth tier. Timothy's wife helped me to articulate exactly what I loved about the four pictures I had brought in to show her. She definitely understood what I liked and what I didn't like, and we wound up ordering a 4 tier butter cream with dotted edging. She customized the size of each tier after noticing that I preferred to have each tier be very close in size, rather than having several inches difference. With the 4 tiers we will have more than enough cake to feed the entire crew.

This is the best picture of my favorite 4 tier cake. This is when she noticed that I liked my tiers to be very close in size. I love it! Source

The best part is, I told K before we went in that I was trying to keep the cake at $400. After adding the fourth tier, tinkering with the measurements and adding a fresh strawberry filling, the grand total? $399. Yeah for being under budget!

Hey Mr. DJ...

2009-03-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

I cannot find a decent DJ that we can afford. I have a couple problems:

1. I want a really, really good DJ. The kind of DJ that people are talking about. The kind of DJ who can keep 120 people dancing all night. The kind of DJ that we beg to stay because no one wants to leave.

2. I have never witnessed this type of DJ. It's like a wedding myth to me. I always really, really don't like DJs. I'm always the one complaining about how bad the DJ is. Always.

3. I want a DJ who knows what he's doing. With experience at weddings. Weddings are a whole different animal. It's not prom. It's not your office party. It's a gathering of people from 80-2 years old. I want them all dancing. All.

4. I need a DJ who is prepared to deal with the non traditional set up of our barn reception. This isn't a ballroom and I'm worried some Djs won't know how to adjust their routine and equipment to fit our venue.

Any help out there? How did you know you had found the right DJ? I have referrals to 2 of the "best" DJs in the Sacramento area, but they are both mind-blowingly expensive ( around $2k for their smaller package). Is that mind blowing to you? I thought we'd be able to get an amazing Dj for about $1k. I guess I was wrong.

Just to add, we are not considering a band reception. I have my heart set on a DJ. Any horror stories, success stories, referrals, do's and don'ts would be appreciated!

Images

I Love my Photog!

2009-03-07T22:21:00.000-08:00

My beautiful photographer, Terra Tabbytosavit told me that while she's been shooting boudoir shoots for a while, she hasn't found a "model" who was willing to allow her to post the racy shots on Terra's blog. I guess she finally found someone because Terra just posted the most amazingly gorgeous shots today. I had to share. I love the idea of a boudoir shoot. I know B would love a little private book of photos for him to enjoy.

So tasteful. So beautiful.

These last two are my FAVORITES!

These shots really show a different side of Terra's talent. I absolutely adore them! Terra also mentioned she is getting ready to launch a new website! I'll have to let you know when it goes live.

I Love my Ranch!

2009-03-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

I can't get over how much I love my venue. I wasn't able to get many pictures of the ranch when I visited in September, but I noticed they recently listed themsleves on The Knot. I think they are finally starting to market themselves. I know when I found them there wasn't a single listing for Taber Ranch on any wedding site. They were relatively new, and that's what I loved about it. I felt as though I'd found a hidden gem. I'm excited for their growth, and feel so lucky to have found them so early on in my planning process.

I found my venue while browsing on Pictage. I literally searched "ranch, ca" and a recent wedding at Taber popped up. Let's just say it was love at first sight.

Their Knot page featured some photos I'd never seen before, and it just made me fall in love all over again!

This very large tree is out toward the middle of the five acre property. We'll have to be driven out there after the ceremony to get some sunset shots.

There is a small vineyard near the reception barn.

There is also a small pond (although it looks larger here) that is directly in front of the barn. They've strung large outdoor lights along it's edge to add some ambience. I just love this sunset shot.

A shot from atop the ceremony hill where we will say our vows.

photos via: The Knot

The Closest Yet

2009-03-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

So I've finally decided I would like my bridesmaids to wear varying shades of berry: plums, purples, raspberry, fuschia. I know in my head how I would like for it to look, but have yet to see anything close. That is, until I saw this:This is pretty darn close. I'm not so sure about the two-tone look, but it does help to give a visual of the berry idea. While we're probably going to add a more pink dress and one more royal purple dress-this is the core of what I'm envisioning. I love the different styles, the different colors, I just love it.

What do you guys think of the flowers here? Would all white pop more against the different colors? I'm thinking mostly white with little pops of the berry. Ideas?

photo: Pix of Life

Go Ahead

2009-02-27T11:42:00.000-08:00

Ask me anything! No really-anything. I l-o-v-e when other bloggers do this! I don't have any prizes to offer, just a little more insight into my life. I really appreciate all of your comments, tags and awards and I realize I have been neglectful in returning all that fun stuff. So I'm trying this out to make up for it...I'll reply as soon as we rack up a good group of questions.

Hope you all have an amazing weekend!

Go Garter!

2009-02-27T09:27:00.000-08:00

I saw this picture recently:

photo: Amy Carroll

And it inspired me to order these:

B is a huge SF sports fan and these happen to be his favorite teams. I found the garters at Etsy shop, Garters by Kristi . I didn't want four garters, so I convo'd Kristi and she refered me to her website, where I could order any garter separately. I ordered the "keepsake" (top) SF Giants without he pouf and the "toss" 49ers all for around $30 with shipping. No too bad. I started to think about having someone make them for me, but I think the $30 is worth not having to hassle with buying fabric, elasitc, ribbon and those cute little gold footballs and baseballs. I know B will love it!

Plan on It

2009-02-25T21:32:00.000-08:00

I knew that if we did Save the Dates, I wanted them to incorporate a photo of us, and some sort of sticker. I love the idea of literally marking your calendar with a personalized label. I know most people use their phones as calendars these days, but I still use a paper calendar for work and at home. These are just too fun!

From Martha

Here's the blurb from Martha: Guests are sure to remember your wedding day if all they have to do is peel and stick a reminder to their calendars. You can personalize adhesive labels at home. Buy 1-inch round labels from an office-supply store, and follow the manufacturer's instructions to download and customize the template. Print labels with your date using a laser printer. Cut each sheet into rows of labels. Laser print note cards with a message to "save the date." Affix a row of labels to each note card with a glue stick.

A little DIY actioon from An Excited Bride

I need to get on these! I need to get on our engagement pics too!

Little Lovelies

2009-02-22T10:00:00.000-08:00

Another installment of what's caught my eye.

Love these flowers. Fresh. Beautiful colors.
Ok. I'm sold on these nice, large dahlia bouts. I hope we can find them in a nice raspberry.
source

Ok. I'm in love with this response card. Enthused, country, adorable.

I LOVE the print on these napkins. I'm going to try to resist the extra expense, but these are so darn cute.

I've neglected to note the sources. If you recognize let me know...

Wants vs. Needs

2009-02-12T13:20:00.000-08:00

While B had lived in his home for a few years by the time I moved in, you would never have guessed it. The front living room was literally empty, the family room had a table, a love seat and the biggest laz-y-boy you've ever seen in your life. The kitchen was stocked with nice glassware, some hand-me-down plates, a set of mixing bowls and various mis-match pots and pans.
After about a month of dating, B asked me to make chocolate chip cookies for dessert one night. He directed me to the flour and sugar and grabbed a bag of Nestle chips from the freezer. I reached for a mixing bowl and got to work. Moments later I called to him, "Measuring cups?" he responded with, "just eyeball it" his round about way of saying he didn't own any, "ok," I laughed, "how about a mixer?" He came into the kitchen and handed me a hand cranked egg beater thingy. I think I injured my wrist. Somehow my cookies came out ok, albeit a little doughy (overestimated on the flour). The very next day I was buying measuring cups and spoons from the dollar spot at Target. I brought my handheld electric mixer from my apartment, and we were pretty much set.

Ouch! image

Once I moved in and brought my Ikea plates and small set of Corningware, our kitchen was adequately stocked for our needs. The pots and pans are a little on the cheap side, but I've made do, knowing that I would wait until we were able to register. Holding back from buying nice serving platters and better dishes has been really tough. I love me some Home Goods sprees, and I've really had to hold back. I wanted to make sure that we got what we wanted. And I know what I want.

In college, my roommate's mom not only had our apartment professionally decorated ( unbelievable), but she also stocked our kitchen with dream materials and instruments. Portmeirion, Crate and Barrel, Henckels knives and my favorite, All-Clad pots and pans. Since my roomie did not cook at all, they were mine all mine for three years. When I moved away, I missed my All-Clad every single day.

Portmeirion botanic roses collection. Image

I look at the prices now and my jaw hits the ground. I try to think if it's really worth it, and I just can't help but think that it is. I want my All-Clad. I don't know if I need an entire collection of Portmeirion, but I really think I need my All-Clad. Do I dare register for such an expensive set? I'm not sure who I would expect to buy it for me. But I keep coming back to the same phrase, "Do I register for something I don't want?" I know asking for gift cards is not exactly proper-but I'd feel pretty bad if someone bought me a $200 frying pan.

So B and I set out last Thursday to attend Macy's "Sip and Scan" Bridal registry event. Mocktails, a DJ and loads of registry consultants were there to make the evening easier. B got bored pretty quick, so we scanned some fun stuff and I came back the next day to finish us off. I did something I wasn't expecting. I did not register for China. I want useful things as wedding gifts. I want things that are going to make us happy. I have three sets of China available to me from my mom and grandma, so I figure I'm set. There were some beautiful sets, but nothing that I just had to have. I decided to register for a couple pieces of Portmeirion serveware, rather than the whole set of dishes.

Overall I tried to pick very simple, classic pieces. I'm worried there are not enough affordable items on our registry, so I'm keeping my eye out for smaller things for people to buy. I started a Williams-Sonoma registry online, but again-expensive! Is it not the weirdest feeling to create such a huge wish list?

Notification that You made my List!

2009-02-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

Not sure why, but I've been slashing our guest list lately. Is it bad that I have zero problem eliminating? I am trying to focus on the people who really do care about us. I want to kiss my new husband, grab his hand, pause and look and see 100-120 familiar, loving, emotional faces. I just can't imagine turning to see a group of faces I've never seen before. We both realize that there may be some extended family, or out of state friends that one of us has not had the pleasure of meeting yet, but for the most part the "randoms" (as we've dubbed them) are not invited. It's not a snobbery thing, but more like a we're doing it our way thing.

photo: via Faye & Greer

photo: via Victoria With Roses

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about invites lately. I'm still completely head over heels in love with a simple, no graphic, calligraphied invite. I am also still in love with the sewn pocket idea. I am also now in love with a boxed invite.

I started thinking of how to combine all three. And I have a fourth idea. I want lavender to be incorporated in little details of our wedding. It wont be a theme or anything, I'm really just after that beautiful scent.

Boxed Invites via Mrs. Penguin

Here's what I'm picturing: A craft-colored box with a layer of dried lavender inside. Lying over the lavender is our invite, tucked away in it's fabric sleeve. A matching ribon is keeping all of the inserts together inside of the sleeve. One of the inserts instructs the invitee to make their own lavender scented sachet with the fabric sleeve, dried lavender and ribbon. Am I being hysterical in thinking that someone will actually do this? I have to say, I think I would love it, but it could be a giant waste...

photo: Save-on-Crafts

Materials needed: Paper for invite and insterts, Calligrapher (I have already hired a fabulous one), fabric, thread, sewing machine, ribon, lavender, box, labels. Postage. We will have about 65-75 invites at this point. Am I crazy?

**ok, ETA, I'm adding this up and it may be too costly. Calligraphy and sewn pockets are for sure. We'll have to see about the lavender...

The Girls

2009-02-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

I think I've finally settled on a bm dress idea. I just can't stop thinking about different colors for each bm. And I'm still stuck on the berry idea. I told the girls that I want knee length, fun, party dresses in various shades of berry pink and plum purple. They love the idea, but we're realizing how hard it's going to be. Just to keep me from going back to all navy dresses, I've been scouring the web for mis-matched bridesmaids. Take a look. It can be done my friends! Color inspiration. Love the shades in this bouquet.

photo: Stephanie Williams Photography

Yeah mismatched!

Very close to the color scheme I'm looking for. Not a fan of this dress or the fabric, but I love the varying colors.

Love this dress from Calypso. I love that smocked flower girl dress too...

Top 4 Photos: The Knot

I love how none of these girls are wearing bridesmaids dresses. This is what I want-just a fun dress!

photo: via Once Wed

Beautiful. Love those pops of color against the green grass.

photo: Casey Cunningham Photography

Now the real fun begins. Five bridesmaids, four different cities, two states. It's on!

DI-Who?

2009-01-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not really a DIY person. I'm just never satisfied with how my own works of art come out. But I think I might be able to swing these...

Photo: Daria Bishop

I love the little bucket of flowers hanging by a nail. Whoever painted this has some great handwriting, but even if it weren't so perfect I still think it'd be adorable.

photo: The Knot

I'm not planning on doing much for aisle decor. We are exchanging vows on top of a hill, surrounded by rolling hills and trees, so I don't want to disctract the view. But this would be so easy-and cheap! Get whole coffee beans from costco, some jars, and carnations! The wire hangers would be the most complicated, but with the right supplies it'd wouldn't be so bad!

Update!

2009-01-29T23:00:00.000-08:00

Work has been crazy-a good crazy-but crazy. I am still pinching myself. I just cannot believe I am finally an attorney. I've gotten used to saying it now, and when clients call for me I try to sound as grown up as possible, but I've had a couple of old men ask me if I'm 19. I've always looked old for my age, but I understand their surprise when I walk through the door.

I've been doing great on WW. I'm so close to 10lbs lost and I really hope to be there by Monday. I've been traveling a lot for work which makes eating very difficult, but I've managed to make the best choices.

I'm almost done with our wedding website. I originally wanted to buy a domain and have Kate's husband make us a custom site. Kate's site was unbelievable and was even featured Brides magazine. But I knew I couldn't pay him what he would deserve for the time spent, so I started looking for pre-fab sites.

I found wedshare.com and loved the layout. I customized our colors, all of the graphics and changed a lot of things around. My favorite feature was the ability to upload multiple songs as background music. I also love the ability for guests to RSVP.

It's more than I wanted to spend ($100 for a year) so I'm still on the two-week trial period. I'm still debating whether it's worth it when I know there are free sites out there. Has anyone used wedshare? I've read mixed reviews online, so any feedback is welcome!

WeWa Week: ?

2009-01-22T09:30:00.000-08:00

So I've technically been on Weight Watchers for about 8 weeks, but I took a three week holiday hiatus (oh the shame!) and gained the lbs. (that I had quickly lost)-- back.

The good news: I have been completely back on track since NYE. I know, a whole day earlier than the rest of the world! I have been making mini goals almost every day and it's completely helping. WW is going great, but I've also been walking and working-out more than I have in months! It feels amazing and I finally feel like I'm back on a roll. I still need to re-lose a lot of what I gained back since my graduation, but I'm not looking back anymore. Only forward. So far I'm about 7lbs down! Not bad, but not great. I have a goal to lose 5 more by Valentine's day, and I know I can do it!

The WW website offers a 12 week "Buff Bride Challenge". I love a good challenge, so I plan on starting it next week. My arms need some serious work.

My new favorite discovery is that blockbuster online has workout DVDs to rent! I really do love working out at home, since it eliminates the whole, "I don't want to drive to the gym" excuse (a big one for me), and now that I can really switch it up, I also eliminate the, "I'm sick of this workout" excuse.

Anyone have any good recommendations?

Oh!

2009-01-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

I think Lisa Vorce of Oh How Charming was meant to plan my wedding. I love every single thing she does.

Herbs. Candelabras. Oh I love this table!

Perfect.

Check out this venue. Oh yeah, it's in France. The draping reminds me of the draped rafters in our barn. I just love it!

Photos by Elizabeth Messina via: Project Wedding

Getting Dressed

2009-01-12T20:57:00.000-08:00

I may have mentioned that I'm not looking forward to dress shopping. Since finding my dress is my next step in planning, I've been stalled. I'm not ready to put a dress on. I've been doing great with WW (will write about it soon). But I'm just not ready.

People are beginning to think that my hesitation towards dress shopping is somehow related to doubts about getting married. SO not so! I just have this vision of me struggling to find something to try on, not liking anything in my size and leaving feeling defeated. I know-whoa negativity-but it really is the way I feel. The absolute only part of my body that I am uncomfortable with is my arms. I know I can find a dress to show off my chest and waist, but I really do not want to wear a strapless at this point.

Believe me, I plan on losing some major poundage by October. I've been completely committed to a healthy lifestyle lately and have really been working hard. But I also know my body and I know my own insecurities.

Ok. So now that I've gotten that out, I want to share some great new dress finds. First, my fellow law school bride has tentatively decided on a NYE wedding night! I think it definitely suits their personality and will really set the tone for a fabulously glam wedding. I have a feeling she will go for a more traditional dress, but if anyone can pull off a sexy short wedding dress, it would be her!

Now, that's a bustle!

Melissa Sweet Gown via Pretty Bride

Love, love that neckline

Suzanne Neville via Brides UK

Absolute chic.

Carolina Herrera via Brides UK

Ok, so now for me. I'm still looking for either sleeves or a separate bolero.

Overall, I do not love the dress below. What I do like is the way the sleeves blend with the dress. I like the lace look and I love the neckline. Very flattering.

Source

The high collar adds so much drama. If I do separates, I might just do two different looks with the same dress. A two jacket bride!

source

I love the covered back and the gorgeous pickups. Of course it's ML and I think the whole ensemble retails for about $7k. Ouch.

Source

I have to admit that I haven't absolutely fallen for any dress I've seen in pictures. I know I'm going to have to see it on before I really start to see what works and want does not. I do have hope that once I slip into the satin and lace, I will feel better about the whole situation. I'm trying to pick a weekend to just go and then possibly plan a little trip with some of my girls.