A heartbeat

15 April 2011

Dear Baby,

Today, I heard your heartbeat. And it changed me in so many ways. The past week has been rough. I've been having a lot of bleeding and have been very worried. I want you so much and my daydreaming has got the best of me. I just can't imagine losing you.
Our personal, on-call Dr., Auntie K told me she'd like me to go in today for an update, since I have been so worried and am still spotting. Luckily my Dr. had an opening. I was so, incredibly nervous. I had tears welling in the waiting room and could barely keep my legs from shaking as she did the ultrasound. Luckily, she found you very quickly and I saw your heart flickering immediately. I let out a huge sigh and let my tears fall for a second. When she turned the speaker on so I could hear your little heartbeat, I just couldn't help but laugh. I was so scared, and that sound just sent me over the moon.
You are about 6 weeks 4 days along, but were measuring at 6 weeks 1 day. Your heartbeat was 114bmp. That is a little low, but Dr. told me as long as it was over 100, she was pleased. She sent some pictures home for us to keep. I'm so glad I went. My mind is finally at ease. Even though it's still early, knowing you are in there and your heart is beating makes me feel at peace.

You've been making me very, very tired. Fortunately, I've had a lot of time at home this week and have been getting lots of rest. Daddy says I have the nose of a bloodhound since I can smell things from a mile away. Most smells have been making me gag and feel sick, especially in the morning. At this point, I'll take the nausea, as that's just a reminder that you are in there safe and sound!

You want a baby, Baby?

The decision to attempt to bring a child into the world was not one I ever took lightly. From a very young age, I knew I wanted kids.

At age 20 I had a crazy six months where, even though I was in college without a boyfriend, I wanted a child very badly. It was almost an out of body experience. I would approach strollers at the mall, steal away the babies in my family and hold them for the entire duration of family get togethers. I was nuts. And no one was afraid to tell me that.

At 22 I left for law school and quickly met my future husband. There was no time to oogle over babies in law school. Once things were serious with B, I was having so much fun playing house and getting to know him, I had no idea when a baby would ever be on my mind again.

At 25 I was a law school grad, engaged and entering my chosen career. You couldn't get me to touch a baby with a ten foot pole. B's friends all had little ones, and while I loved and adored them, I was perfectly happy with my role as "Auntie". When people would ask how long we would wait before we started trying, I would, somewhat rudely snap, "I love my life, I don't want to ruin it!" Even though that was probably not the nicest thing to say to people who had babies, it was really and truly how I felt. Staying out, sleeping in, sleeping naked, having my man all to myself whenever I wanted, being able to make extra money at work because I didn't have a soccer game to get to. Life was really, really good.

At 26 I was married, working, watching my life long friends get married, travelling, staying out and sleeping in. Life was really, really good. School was far behind me and I was loving my job. All of my weekends were free, we were constantly visiting friends and cherishing our one on one time together as husband and wife. I was still very unwilling to think about a baby. Please!

I turned 27 the summer after we married. I had a real moment a few months before that where I pictured a life with no children. I really, really thought about that life. And it looked really, really amazing. Financially, time-wise, lifestyle-wise. We'd be able to continue doing whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. This idea became so intense, that I proposed it to B at one point. He never, ever took this seriously. He had wanted children for many years, he had told me this very early in our relationship and basically said he would never have pursued me if I had said I did not want children. I then ran the idea by my mom. Again, she thought I was joking. She remembered when I was 20. She remembered when I was even younger and was always talking about being a mommy. When I tried to get serious with her, she basically wouldn't even entertain the idea.

I moved on and decided I just wasn't ready. If I wanted children there would be a time where I would feel it, and I just wasn't feeling it yet. My mom had mentioned that she understood that we were very happy as a couple and how important it is to have that married time to yourselves. She did not seem too concerned that my childless vision would stick around for too long.

On our first anniversary B asked how I was feeling about the whole baby idea. I told him I really did want a baby. Who was I kidding? My childless thoughts really did scare me, but when I really did think about it, of course I wanted a child! The only thing was, when? Even though I know B sincerely wanted to start "trying" on our honeymoon a year earlier, he had been so sensitive to my need to explore this whole idea and really feel ready. He hadn't seriously brought it up since our honeymoon. It was like he was just patiently waiting for our anniversary. I told him, I still just didn't feel ready. I didn't want to do something this big without being ready. He said he understood, but I knew he was devastated.

That was October. Then came November. And then came December. About a week before Christmas, something hit me. Hard. I wanted a baby. Now. Instantly. Give me a baby. I told B, let's do this thing! I realized then how hard this year had been for him. When you're ready, you're ready and I just can't imagine how hard it would have been on me if the roles were reversed.

I only told a few people. I needed some advice. How long was this going to take? Would I have trouble? I began panicking. Would this take years? I want a baby. Now!

Three and a half months later, we knew we would have one.

A little Scare

10 April 2011

Dear Baby,

You decided to give us a little scare this week. After we found out about you, I had some cramping and some spotting. I, of course googled everything and was very concerned that you weren't going to "stick". Many mommies lose their babies at this very early stage. Even though we'd only known about you for a couple days, Daddy and I were so upset that you may leave us. Luckily my cramping stopped, but my spotting only got worse. I called my Dr. and she said to come in. At 5weeks 3 days pregnant, I had an ultrasound and saw a little sac and a little yolk sac, but no baby yet. They told me you were too small to see yet. The size of a poppyseed! I was excited that they told me things were "normal".

Right after our appointment, Daddy and I went to Opening Day at AT&T park to see the Champion Giants return to their home turf. It was a really exciting day at the ballpark. We even talked about when we'd get to take you there! About the fourth inning, I started to feel as though something was wrong. I went to the bathroom and saw a lot of blood. I was so scared. Thankfully, your Auntie K is now a Dr. and an OBGYN at that. I was able to text her and she calmed me down so that I could enjoy the game. She said the blood may have been caused by the internal ultrasound I had hours before. That put my mind at ease, and I was able to watch the rest of the game. Giants beat the Cardinals in the 12th inning! It was a really exciting game to see in person.



Daddy knew I was upset, and took me out to dinner and calmed me down. The next day the bleeding continued. I was pretty worried we were losing you, but wasn't going to give up hope just yet.

The Day we Knew

31 March 2011

Dear Baby,

Today, I found out you existed. I had gotten a negative pregnancy test on Monday, but by today (Thursday), my monthly visitor still hadn't showed, so I decided to test again. I was about 90% certain it would be negative, so I set it on the counter and started to run a bath for myself. I had some reading to do, and was enjoying an afternoon off from work. I settled in to the nice, warm bubbles and realized I hadn't looked back at the little white test resting on the counter. I leaned as far as I could to reach it and in my effort, it fell on the lid of the closed toilet. Before it even settled in place, I saw the very pale pink lines. There was a line I'd never, ever seen before. I picked it up and began examining that line as best I could. It was definitely there! My heart immediately burst and for some reason I just started to pray and say thank you aloud. Tears welled up in my eyes and I had no idea what to do next. I jumped out of the tub, dried off and instantly went to find another test. Our dear friend, S, had told me to buy a bunch of pregnancy tests from the dollar store, and to keep some more expensive digital tests as confirmation tests only. So I had to go find our digital tests in a hurry. It didn't take long for that test to flash "pregnant" on it's little screen.



Your daddy was still at work. I was bouncing around the house, trying to figure out how to tell him. I called him to see what time he thought he'd be home (something I do almost everyday) and he said he was one hour away. "Okay," I told myself, "I can wait that long". I tidied the house in anticipation. I put the digital test in a baggie and sealed it into an envelope. When daddy came home, I told him I had an early birthday present for him. I handed the envelope over, and without even looking at it he said, "Are you pregnant?". I had wanted to video his reaction, but I was too shaky and he was too quick! "Yes!! I screamed, and wrapped my arms around him. It took him a good five minutes to really process the information, even though he said later he could tell something was up when I called to see when he'd be home. I thought I sounded cool as a cucumber! Still, I could tell he didn't believe me at first. Finally he opened the envelope and saw for himself. Then I saw the tears. He didn't cry, but he was definitely misty. He has wanted you for so long!

He then began roaming around the house, pointing out all of the things we would need to change before you arrived. Where your room would be, what we would do with the things currently in that room, etc., etc. I guess that's just how your Daddy is. Meanwhile, I was just savoring the moment.

The Giants lost tonight, but nothing was going to damper Daddy's mood. We both smiled and literally giggled all night. Neither of us will ever forget this day!

A little sweetness for your Thursday

I just adore this picture. This is my husband's cousin's daughter, and she is just the sweetest. We call her our niece. She has grown up quite a bit since this day. I'm so glad to have these!

Photos by Terra Tabbytosavit

Recipes!

I have totally slacked on blogging. I'm not sure why? I was hoping to post a weekly menu, but no such luck. But here are some recipes I truly love.

The Pioneer Woman's Chicken Parmigiana. So easy. Simple ingredients and amazing flavor!

Gina's Asian Glazed drumsticks (I use thighs). Hubby and I both love, love this dish. I always have the ingredient on hand, so it's a very good weeknight meal.

The Pioneer Woman's Beef Fajitas. The recipe is for nachos, but I just make regular fajitas! The flavor is seriously out of this world. A definite crowd pleaser!

We have been eating out so much less in an effort to save money. I spend a lot of time planning weekly menus and shopping trips. It's really crazy how much money it saves to be organized and shop sales/coupons.

I've been scouring the web for great recipes, so feel free to add your favorite dish!

My first vlog...

I'm really not a fan of videoing myself, buuuut...here goes 'nothin!