4 Months!

January was a rather rough month for us. Our milk supply issues had a domino effect and resulted in little sleep and a rather unhappy baby and weary mom and dad. But, at this point our happy baby seems to have returned and we are getting back to our routine! This month was pretty uneventful as far as what we did, but full of great memories with our baby girl. The highlight was E's first laugh which we had been anxiously waiting for! We are still working at getting them out of her, but it's just the best sound ever. 

 I've been working more regularly and E has been spending a lot more time with our great friend, S who is a stay at home mom and lives in our old neighborhood, where I work sometimes. I get a lot of mommy advice from her and we are on the same page with a lot of things. She helped so much to support me during our breast feeding woes, and it has been so much easier to work more knowing E is in her care. She even wears E in her sling which she kept (she has three boys who are now 5 and up) and E just loves it. Leaving her has been a lot easier on me emotionally. Now my stress is making sure I have enough milk to leave with her, but I'm finally getting a little freezer supply going, which is a huge relief.

Bath time is still her favorite time of day. She just loves to splash around and kick and "talk" to us. I find myself always singing to her and she doesn't mind that I am tone deaf and also make up the lyrics to everything. But her most favorite song is "ABC" she just loves it and tries her best to sing along which is adorable.

Eloise at Four Months

Weight: Will find out in a couple of weeks!
Height:   
Head:   
Diaper size- I'm trying to use up the last of the size one disposables but size 2 fit a bit better. We've let the cloth diapers out a little along the waist line and they are fitting great!

Clothing Size: 3-6 month clothes fit best, but we have so many cute 6 month outfits I've been using those as well with some room to grow. 

Milestones:  First laugh. Still not very consistent, but we've had several and they are the best. 

E is really loving her toys in the past few weeks. She is shaking her rattle and grabbing for anything within reach. She is also loving her play mat more and more and loves to grab for the hanging toys there as well. It's fun to see her really enjoy some of her toys. We have a light up piano that she absolutely loves. She also loves this rain stick ball! 

Ellie is pretty vocal and makes new sounds each day. Lots of cooing and little shrieks and now some giggles too!

Voice tracking is really obvious at this point. Ellie lights up when she hears that her Daddy is home and seems to love to hear his voice. 

We are definitely noticing some signs on teething: drooling, chewing hands and now, starting to put other object into her mouth. We've used the Hyland's teething tablets a couple times when she seems to be in pain before bed. It's hard to say whether they really work or not. 

Sleep: The past 4 weeks have been pretty rough on sleep. The feeding and supply issues really shook up our routine. I was waking up about three times at night to feed since she just seemed so hungry. Finally, we are getting back on track. The last few nights she has slept through the night and is waking  up in the morning closer and closer to her normal 7 am wake up time. 

Naps are getting tricky. I'm working more and that throws things off as far as a schedule. Also, since Christmas she pretty much refuses to nap outside of someone's arms. I can get her to sleep and then lay her down on the couch or back in her rock and play cradle, but she no longer goes down from the get-go. I know I could easily "break" her of this, but I'm just waiting for a day when I'm home and can put up with letting her cry!

Our loose routine is as follows:

7am-Wake Morning feed and change! 
730-E sits in her bouncy seat while I shower and change (unless I have to leave early for work and I'm already ready by the time E wakes up)
800- play
900- nap
10 or 1030- Feed and diaper change
1130-nap
1 or 130-Feed
130- play
4 or 430-feed
430-play
600-catnap
7 or 730-start bath
730 or 8 feed and to bed


Events to Remember:   

First New Year! We stayed home and were in bed like boring old first time parents!

First Laugh: 1/18/13

Forty Niners beast the Falcons and are going to the Super Bowl! 1/19/13

One Year Anniversary of finding out we were pregnant 1/24/13
Grandma's Birthday 1/24/13- we couldn't be with her but had fun picking out a "Grandma" birthday card and she loved it!

Supply and Demand

I did not start breastfeeding under any pretense that it would be free of challenges. I was incredibly nervous that it wouldn't "work" for me or that E would have trouble. Breastfeeding was one of the things I was most anxious about after giving birth and one of the most important things to me.

I was absolutely thrilled when breastfeeding worked right off the bat. Ellie was a champ and got her latch perfected on her own by about day 4. From then on, we had no problems. I had more than enough milk and had about 50oz in my freezer supply before I went to work.

I then became rather nonchalant about pumping. Sometimes I'd miss her feeding, and wouldn't pump. Then the amount that I'd pump dropped significantly. It would take a few pumping sessions to get a full feeding produced. And within a month or so, I had almost nothing in my freezer supply. Around Christmas, E started to show signs of a growth spurt. She seemed extra hungry and fussy. I tried to feed her whenever she wanted, but she was so frustrated. It seemed like she just wasn't getting anything. I was panicked.

The next two weeks would be the toughest we've encountered so far. I was trying so hard to build my supply up, but I was almost certain I was drying up. I would pump all day long and get absolutely nothing. Not one drop. I would try to feed her all day long and she'd scream at the top of her lungs. I did not know what to do.

I used what I had in my freezer supply to try to get her through a couple particularly rough days, but since I wasn't producing anything for the pump, I had nothing to leave for when I had to work. I was a wreck.

I contacted three lactation consultants. Two are personal friends and one was a local La Leche League member. They all calmed my nerves and said that as long as she was still producing enough wet/dirty diapers, she was not being "starved" by me and was still getting what she needed. They all told me not to supplement and that we'd get through it. E was also starting to show signs of teething, and they said that was also a factor in her fussiness.

Each woman offered similar advice, but I picked up little tidbits from all of them that I want to share and remember.  I am VERY happy to say that it looks like this is behind us and we made it through on our own, without any formula. I hope I didn't scar E in the process. But I think breastfeeding is so, so important for her in the long run. I think the two weeks of misery was worth it.

Here are some great tips:

Power pump- 10 minutes on the pump, 10 minutes off for 60 minutes
Fenugreek- I take this in herbal form and it seems to wok instantly
Oatmeal- This also works instantly for me.
Hand expression- this has worked really well to get a little bit more out of each breast once I'm done pumping with my electric pump
Manual Pump- I have a great electric pump that was recommended by my lactation consultant friend and works great but I purchased a manual pump and sometimes it works even better. Controlling the speed and varying the speed seem to really work for me and that's harder to do with the electric pump.
Feed on Demand-  Each consultant told me that my Mom's on Call schedule was a hindrance to my supply. My body was regulating to our schedule and only producing just enough. Since she had a growth spurt, I had to get my supply up and feed her more. So we threw the schedule out the window since Christmas. It has been a total bummer to get up in the night after a great stretch of E sleeping through the night, but for me, breastfeeding is more important than sleep. And I knew my baby was  hungry.

I've learned that you have to be a "psycho" breast feeding advocate for yourself. B had been extremely supportive of breastfeeding but had a very, very hard time listening to E scream and seem so hungry. He suggested formula more than once and I about bit his head off. Stepping out of myself, I don't know why I'm so crazy about not supplementing, but for me it's just one step in the wrong direction. I'd like to breastfeed for a year, so I've got a ways to go. I was so incredibly determined and knew we'd get past it, and we did. It was very, very hard to hear friends and family doubt that I was doing the right thing. I totally understand why people quit around this point. It was one of the most taxing things I had to go through. It took about two weeks and they were long and we're still working on it, but I have a small freezer supply going. I know what I did wrong and how we got to that point, so valuable lessons have been learned!

3 Months!

Another busy, and fun month for us with Miss E! 

You are really discovering toys now. You love to look at yourself in the mirror and pull on the toys hanging from your play mat. Maverick is pretty jealous!

The Week after your two month check up, we were back at the Drs office. Your eye had  been runny for a couple days and then one morning, it was so crusty you could hardly open it. The Dr had an opening so we went in to check it out. He said it didn't quite look like an infection, but gave us ointment in case it was still bad a few days later. It cleared up on its own, and my mom friends diagnosed it as a blocked tear duct. I think that's what it was, as well!

We saw so many people this month, and you loved it. We had a get together with my bunco friends, three of whom all had babies right around when you were born. It was so fun to meet all the kiddos and see how everyone was doing. Our hostess had gingerbread houses to make for the big kids, and did little ornaments for the babies. We did footprints of each of the infants, and it was hysterically to see how SMALL your feet are compared to the other babies. J was born just a day before you and he is huge. A was born two weeks after you and while she looks like she's about your size, her foot was definitely two times the size of yours. Oh, E, how I hope you don't have your mommy's gigantic feet! Looks like you are off to the right start! Ha!

Your Nana and Grampa went to Australia for the month, so Grandma came up to fill in as babysitter while I worked. I ended up having more time off than anticipated, so we got to spend some quality time together. We shopped, baked, and planned for Christmas. Grandma made SO many cookies. I made my peanut clusters and let her handle the rest. We had a lot of fun, but Grandma totally wore us out! We went and saw Santa and shopped all day long. I haven't done that in forever!

The Saturday before Christmas we went to visit Uncle T and Auntie S. We went to a couple wineries and it was so fun. Uncle T wore you in the baby Bjorn in the first winery. You loved riding with him and did not make a peep the whole time. You slept some and then woke up at our last stop. You were an angel, we had a great time. We came back to their house and had a Christmas dinner with them since they weren't  able to be with us on the actual day. 

We didn't do much on Christmas Eve. Daddy and I both worked half days and we went out for an early dinner with Grandma and Grandpa (who had drove up that day). Christmas morning was pretty quiet without Uncle T. We opened a few gifts and made a nice breakfast. I got some pretty exciting news from Auntie K that morning, too! That evening Auntie A and her family joined us for prime rib and all the fixins. Great-Grandmom was here too. It was fun to have your little cousins M and Z here. It made it feel more like Christmas to have kids running around. I did manage to get you into a Christmas dress that night for some pictures. I was busy making dinner, but here's a little family picture we managed to get!

 Later that week, Daddy and I were able to sneak away and take the day to spend with you and Grandma and Grandpa. It was a nice, clear day so we headed into the city to walk around and also visit Uncle T at work. Of course Daddy took us to AT&T park so we could update our Giants wardrobe. You were all smiles as we strolled around the Dugout store and around the park. We stopped for clam chowder at Fisherman's Grotto and enjoyed a killer sunset and views. Again, we were totally worn out!

 You seemed to LOVE all of the company, activity and change of scenery this month. You are staying awake a lot more and really taking in what you see. You got a few toys from Christmas and love them. Anything that lights up and makes sounds is your favorite. You are babbling constantly and smiling on queue!

Eloise at Three Months

Weight: 11 pounds 10oz at 11 weeks   
Height:   22.25 inches long at 11 weeks
Head:   39 centimeters at 10 weeks

Diaper size-size one disposables and smallest setting on the cloth diapers

Clothing Size: Mostly 3-6 months. Some 6 months will fit. We've retired a lot of clothes this month!

Milestones:  loves to be in sitting up position, loves to "stand", holding head up, smiling lots, reaching for toys and holding on,  always blabbering away. When  you are getting a little fussy you start to say "Maaaaaa". I've got to get it on video. We love to repeat it back to you. 

Sleep: It's been a very busy month, and it's been difficult to keep you on a schedule. It's also been difficult to get you to nap on your own since your Grandma seriously held you all day long while she was here for two weeks. Thus, you aren't sleeping as well at night as of late. You have been waking up 1-2 times per night, cry for about 10-30 minutes and are back to sleep. I've also been struggling with my milk supply quite suddenly. Starting on Christmas Eve, it seemed like you were not getting enough to eat, and you were very frustrated. Two weeks later, I'm still struggling to produce enough. I've had to forego the schedule in order to feed you more so that I'll produce more. So I'm guessing that has a bit to do with your sudden sleep issues, as well. 

Events to Remember:   

First night in your actual Crib: 12/1/12
First "mommy and me" event at the baby boutique: 12/14/12
Meeting baby A, J and A: 12/15/12
First trip to Santa: 12/18/12
First trip to Uncle T's house: 12/22/12
And of course First Christmas!
First visit to AT&T park and Fisherman's Wharf: 12/27/12

Working Mom

First of all. Every. Single. Person. told me it would be hard to get back to work. Many people laughed when I said I was only taking four weeks off before returning a few days a week. I listened to these people. I believed them. I shrugged it off and said it had to be done. I would make it work. I would be ok.

And let me tell you. Despite their persistent, unanimous caution, I had NO clue how hard it really would be. Absolutely no sense of what this would feel like.

It is so indescribably hard.

I've cried. I've gotten angry. I've questioned life. I've questioned everything I've ever thought about money, careers and motherhood. And then I started working. And it's gotten better. Not great. Not easy, but better.
And I have to say, I don't even have it that bad. I'm working 2-4 days a week. Most days I'm gone less than 6 hours. So I don't even know what it feels like to be a full time working mom. But this is enough for me to know that I don't want to know what 40 hours a week feels like.

The hardest part to comprehend is that in my mind I know my baby is fine while I'm gone. I know she is sleeping about 70 percent of the time I'm gone. I know she's eating a bottle of my milk with no problem and she is being left with people who love and adore her. But somehow it still breaks my heart and still causes incredible anxiousness.

I remember a friend describing her drive home to me once she'd returned to work after having her daughter (hi K!). She told me she would speed home, and even drive recklessly in an effort to shave off one minute of her commute. She needed to be with her daughter that badly. I remember reading this and truly feeling for her. But somehow it did not compute until I was there: speeding, hoping for green lights, racing to my (sleeping) daughter.

We don't have our child care completely ironed out. For the most part she is with B's mom who does travel a few times a year for long stretches of time. We have a couple of friends who are excited to have her, but since my work schedule is far from predictable, it's really hard to get everyone's schedules together each week. But so far it's working and we're just taking it day by day.

I know soon enough I'll probably feel the need for a break from my child, and will want to be more social as well. But for now, now matter how hard I try to relax, I still find myself rushing home to her each day that I'm gone. I just keep trying to convince myself it will get easier...

Christmastime is Here

I'm not shy about how excited I get for Christmas. This is an especially exciting year. Our first in this home and our first with our daughter.

E is my favorite new decoration! I just love all the Christmas outfits!

Scars

It finally happened. It was week three of E's life with us. I was riding in the back seat with her, B driving. One of our first errands out. As I gazed out the back seat window I realized. Bremy. I hadn't thought of Bremy. It had been a day. I knew it wasn't two days because there had been a conversation about her then. But one day. A whole day had passed where she did not enter my mind. I didn't see her as I drifted off to sleep. Didn't tighten at the thought of her. Didn't swallow and refuse the tears. I'll admit, I never thought this would happen.

I just sat there and stared at E, sleeping peacefully in her car seat. Riding in the car we had bought thinking we'd have a child in it one day. And instead of tears came a smile and a deep breath and a feeling of my heart literally filling. A warmness I'd been yearning for. I didn't feel the huge hole. I didn't feel the brokenness.  My heart was being pieced back together by this beautiful little girl.

There have been several times where we see Bremy in her face. Or stare at her footprints on E's nursery wall. But it's so much less painful now that E is here. Instead of raw pain, there's a certain allowance to the memory. I'm not so sure how to explain it. Almost a feeling of true acceptance of her loss. She's gone and it happened. And now E has happened and somehow that makes the story easier to tell and easier to accept. It also makes it easier to skip a day. To not be consumed by the trauma and sadness. B and I both had some tears a few days ago when we heard a story similar to ours. It was hard to hear of anyone else suffering the way we had. I did cry. But then I stopped. And I felt better. Skipping a day doesn't mean we will forget, or that it will stop hurting, it just means a scar has formed where a gaping hole once was. And that scar feels a lot better.

Two Months Old

It's been so busy around our home lately. I love it, but I'm glad to finally have a moment to sit down and reflect. B and I had a flu bug a couple weeks ago, and it knocked us out for 24 hours, respectively. Luckily E was such a cooperative baby. Not being able to care for her like I'm used to was worse than the flu itself.

 My mom was here for the week before Thanksgiving and then my Dad drove up and joined us for the holiday , along with my brother and his girlfriend. It was so nice having so much help and Ellie soaked up all of the constant attention.

Eloise is now two months old and is still changing so fast! She celebrated her first Halloween  and now first Thanksgiving and Baptism. We had a houseful for Thanksgiving and scheduled the baptism for Saturday to take advantage of my family all being in the same place at once!

Eloise at Two Months:

Weight: 11 pounds 8oz at 10 weeks
Height:   22 inches long
Head:   39 centimeters
Diaper size-We are using size one disposables and are fitting into the smallest setting on our Alva Baby Pockets, Bum Genius Elementals and Bum Genius 4.0s. They are fitting better now that her legs have some chub!

Clothing Size: Now 3-6 months. The 0-3 are very suddenly too short!

Milestones:  Lots of cooing and blabbering and expression. Smiling all the time. Sleeping 9 hours at night consistently! You love to look at yourself in the mirror and like your swing now where you can see yourself in the mirror and smile. 

Events to Remember:   

10/31- First Halloween- you were an Elephant! It was a rainy evening and we didn't get many trick or treaters. We hear this neighborhood doesn't get many. It was our first year in this house so I definitely over-bought in the candy department. You did meet some neighbors who came to the door, but it was a pretty quiet night. 

11/22- First Thanksgiving. We hosted both Grandmas and Grandpas, Uncle T and Auntie S. Lots of food and fun. The weather was perfection. Sunny and warm. We did our traditional 2 turkeys-one deep fried and one baked. Everything was perfectly delicious. You slept right through dinner which was rather nice for Daddy and me!

11/24- Baptism Day. We scheduled this pretty last minute. Your Great-Grandmom was able to get us in at her church for a private baptism. You woke up cranky that morning and were a little fussy through the baptism but we were able to get you calm for some pictures. It was lovely! Your Godmother, Auntie J and her parents were there along with Godfather Uncle T (of course) . We went out to brunch afterwards and had everyone back at the house to hang out and visit. It was a really great day.