What Makes a Mother?

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one.
~Jennifer Wasik~

To Love Another Person is to See the Face of God

To Love Another Person is to See the Face of God

I heard this line last weekend at a wedding I attended in Santa Barbara. One of my closest childhood friends married her high school sweetheart and I was so happy to be there to witness it. The priest who officiated the ceremony was really great. He quoted that line from Les Miserables and described the sacredness of this, their wedding day. He then turned his attention to the bride and groom's parents and asked them to reflect on the day their children were born. How they had seen the face of God that day in their children. In that love. And now, the bride and groom were seeing the face of God in each other. In that love.

That idea took my breath away. How true.

My wedding day itself was quite amazing and I definitely felt that feeling of being outside yourself, where you can't believe how happy you are and how loved you feel. Luckily, I feel that feeling often with my husband in various moments throughout life. A cute look or simple touch will melt me right back into that feeling of happiness and bliss that is marriage.

Seeing Bremy's face was not something I would describe as happy or joyous, but there was an absolutely indescribable emotion that occurred when I laid eyes on her. You hear it described, you think you know what love is, until you look at your own child. I don't think the feeling can be mimicked, and there is a reason for that. There was so much commotion prior to her arrival, so much crying and aching and pain. But when I finally opened the blanket that enveloped her, I felt a calm, a peace, a silence. It was Godly. I didn't think that at the time, per se, but when I heard that line at my friend's wedding, it hit me: I saw God in my child's face. I saw His masterpiece and that is why it felt so peaceful.

Obviously it was a very special moment that was overall extremely sad. I long for the moment when I look at my child's living face and watch her breath and move. But I will never forget holding Bremy and seeing her perfection and knowing that I helped create it through God.

Moving Forward...The Next 90 days

I'm finally feeling like my old self. I'll forever be different, and I might be a little more withdrawn for a while,but for the most part I feel the old Amy is around.

One part of the old me that I wish had not come back is my tendency to overeat, especially in times of stress. I was eating very healthfully while pregnant. I was told I had gestational diabetes at 16 weeks and adhered to that diet of low carbs and high veggies and good proteins from that point forward. It made me feel so good and I even lost some weight, which the Drs told me was great, considering I am clinically obese.

While not one person has mentioned that my weight may have played a roll in the incompetence of my cervix, and subsequent loss of my daughter, I can't help but wonder if this would have happened had I been at a more healthy weight. I'm not looking for an answer to the problem of my cervix, but using the problem as motivation to be at a healthier place the next time I get pregnant.

Speaking of being pregnant, I want more than anything in the world to be pregnant again. I feel as though I'd love to be pregnant right this very moment, but I know in my heart it's too soon and there is a reason we will naturally have to wait a while. My body is not 100% back to normal, and we were told by my Dr. that they recommend waiting the same amount of time that you were pregnant--so in our case, six months, before getting pregnant again. I don't know if I can wait that long, so I'm telling myself four months. I'm telling myself we will try in December, if everything else cooperates.

That is coming up really fast. This whole getting healthier thing needs to happen if I want to see any results by then. I want to see some weight off, I want to see some strength built and I want to see my attitude reflect those healthy things before we try again. So I'm telling myself that by Christmas, I want to have lost about 15lbs and be eating the diabetic diet consistently. That means very few sugars and more healthy carbs. I never felt better, physically and emotionally than when I was pregnant and I honestly feel that all of my hormones were just in balance. And now, they don't feel like that.

My diet was completely regulated while I was in the hospital. I loved their food (so lucky!) and really enjoyed their take on the diabetic eating plan. I got a full breakfast with the correct amount of carbs (around 35 grams), a snack of yogurt and graham crackers (around 20 carbs), lunch was a sandwich or hot meal with fruit, another snack of cheese sticks and fruit and crackers (loved this snack) , a hot dinner usually with brown rice or potatoes and then a nighttime snack of milk and graham crackers. It was so fulfilling and always tasted good to me. It was actually quite a lot of food-more than I usually eat, but I never felt the craving for sweets at all.

Now that I am home, emotional, and trying to get back to normal, my eating has been all over the place. I'm craving sweets each and every night and would rather have junk that a meal. It just has to stop!

So, for the next 90 days plus, I'm challenging myself to eat like I'm still pregnant in the hospital. I've stocked my shelves this week and am hoping for good results!

About Your Daddy

Dear Bremy,

I wanted to talk to you about your father. He is a wonderful man who wants to be a daddy so much.

If you looked at the two of us on paper, many would say we aren't a match. But even though we come from different backgrounds, I knew the first time I spoke with him that he was the most genuine person I'd ever come to know.

A lot of people think that I "wear the pants" in our relationship. I'm an outspoken, take charge kind of girl. I like to be in control and most people usually let me take the lead. But, your Daddy is pretty darn stubborn and we naturally choose to be in control of different things, and that's why I think we work so well. I tend to be more of a spokesperson for the two of us. People call me to set up plans, and dates. He would rather choose the movie or the restaurant once I've set the plans to go out. I pay the bills and make the reservations, etc. I love doing those things, and your dad loves that I love to do those things because he does not. So when I became pregnant, I wondered how our roles would fit in as "expecting parents" and as "new parents".

I remember worrying that your dad would not be able to speak up for me when I gave birth and I teased him that I'd have to have my mom in the room to help, since he'd probably be overwhelmed and grossed out by the process. I remember worrying that he wouldn't know how to step up for us when you arrived, that he was so used to me being able to do most things, that we'd struggle as a couple when you arrived. I remember wondering if his enthusiasm to be a dad would wear off once you were actually here. We know so many dads who aren't hands on with their kids or their spouses, and I started to wonder if maybe your dad would end up like them?

Bremy, I'm ashamed to say that I ever worried about those things. I guess I was starting to lose faith in the choice that I made in your father. I was letting other examples of not-so-great dads and husbands convince me that your father was just another guy who would let down his wife and child. But those thoughts could not have been more misplaced.

What I love about your daddy is that he allows himself to feel and he is so compassionate and caring and so in touch with his and others emotions. I think a lot of men (your grandpa included) would not have known how to deal with the immense pain and trauma we endured the day you were born. Your dad took my hand and he cried with me. And he talked with me and prayed with me. He never once turned his back on me as I layed in that bed. When I was at my weakest moment, he grew strong, and when he had to bury his head in my shoulder and sob, I grew strong for him. We encouraged each other to be strong that day. When I was in pain as the Dr. examined me and had me push and push, he looked deep in my eyes and gave me strength and helped me. He was the only person in the whole world I wanted in that room, and to think I worried about him being strong for me is outrageous now. He was everything for us that day.

When you came, he was so very upset. We were both just emotionally ravaged and beyond tears. He wanted to protect me from seeing you, but I convinced him it was what I really wanted. And even though I know he wasn't sure it was the best idea, he crouched over my shoulder and we stared at you and admired you. He felt you and he looked at me and we broke down together because you were just so amazingly beautiful. And even though you were so tiny, and didn't have much weight on you, you already looked like the best possible version of both of us. Your mommy and daddy aren't going to win any beauty titles any time soon, but God definitely blessed you with each of our best physical features.

Even though you are not with us, your Dad is still so incredibly proud of you and so proud to be your dad. Even though it's painful, he doesn't shy away from talking about you and who you were and who you would have been. He hasn't bottled up his emotions like most men would.

He's been very protective of me and my emotions. Even though it's been a month since we lost you, he does not make me feel bad for crying each day. He doesn't tell me I should be over it by now, or that I don't deserve to be sad. He holds me as I whimper while I'm trying to fall asleep. He whispers outside my bathroom door, just to check on me as he can hear me crying. I've never had a man like this in my life. And while your grandpa and great-grandpas are amazing men in their own right, your dad is just something special that I never could

have dreamed up. He is a true companion to me, and I know he would have been to you too. Of course I've always thought highly of your daddy (I married him after all) but I could never have known how much he would rise to the occasion and be there for me in this desperate time.

He's now the spokesperson for the two of us. He screens some calls for me and communicates with my family and friends on those days that I just can't bear to talk with anyone. He was the one who wrapped up the arrangements for your final remains when I had to walk out of the funeral home because I was too upset. He chose your little urn with an angel on it. These were things I never could have imagined he would do. But he did, and he has shown me what an amazing father and husband he really is. I can only hope that we have another child, so he can be a day to day daddy.

In a couple weeks, your Dad and I will celebrate two years as man and wife. For the past six, he's been my partner and best friend. Losing you is definitely the hardest thing we've ever faced as a couple, and we hope it's the hardest thing we ever have to go through. But, even if there are more hardships to come, I know we will get through it together, just as we did this time.

Bremy, both your father and I love and miss you so much. I can only imagine how amazing of a daddy he would be right now if you were here and with us. But, we can only hope to be blessed with another child. For now, we are the broken hearted parents who have lost our baby too soon.

Love,

Mom

The Rest of the World

I think everyone knows that feeling, whether you are going through something really great and exciting, or something really horrible and sad-- when you re-enter the real world, it seems almost cruel that everything has been working just fine in spite of your happiness or sadness. Sometimes you wish you had a sign on your back saying " I just got back from my honeymoon" or "I just found out I'm pregnant" or "I just pushed out a baby and she died". And of course sometimes you are glad to be anonymous.

I'm still feeling like I'm in a blur of reality. I drive myself home and can't really remember how I got there, or where I parked or when I even stopped for gas? My mind is just elsewhere. But I've decided to ease back in to work. I have always thrived on routine, so I figured having some normalcy back in my life would be a good thing.

I'm a lawyer and I work with criminals who are incarcerated. I don't really have an office, I practically live in a jail all day. It's not as depressing as it used to be, and contrary to popular belief my criminal clients are quite polite and some seem to be amazing people in spite of their bad choices or bad luck.

But of course, many of them are not the best people, and many of them have ruined their lives as well as their entire families lives. Many have children they don't know and many continue to have children they will never raise. Yesterday I was doing my initial client interviews with several clients in a row. I met with one who told me his top priority was to get out of jail so he could see his baby born. Now, understand this is a VERY common wish of my clients. I'd say over 60% of the time my clients tell me they have a baby coming in the next few months and would like to get out to be there (even if they were not there for the children they already have, or even for this woman who is carrying his next child). But of course, after losing my child, this "wish" hit me differently. As I always do, I then asked when the child would be born so we could do some math and see whether it was realistic for him to count on being out for the birth. This client casually answered, December 5th. It was like a knife in my heart. Bremy's due date. I looked at him for a long second and actually thought about telling him about my daughter. Oh, my I'm so glad I didn't. That would have been interesting...so I brushed it off and continued with my interview, my heart a little heavier. I'd managed to keep my mind off of her for the previous 30 minutes. And there she was. Right back in my mind.

He left and my next cleint walked in. I started our interview . He then mentioned how important it was for him to be out for his son's birth. He had missed his first son's birth because he had been locked up. "Ok, what is the due date?" I asked. "December 5th" he answered. I cocked my head and stared at him. I seriously, honestly thought this was a joke. Did this guy know something? Was he messing with me? He looked back at me, a tear in his eye (he had gotten emotional telling me he'd missed his first son's birth)And of course I realized this guy had no clue I had also been expecting a child on December 5th.

Now, I really just wanted to let it all out and tell him to get over the fact that he mised his son's birth, at least his son lived. And for a few seconds I turned bitter and just wanted to let him have it. He had been selling dope and stealing cars so he missed his son being born. I had been living an honest life and I had to witness my daughter die. My heart turned cold and I just wanted to take it out on him. Ask him if he really appreciated the fact that he would have two children. Let him know not everyone has healthy babies in spite of their horrendous decision making skills. But I didn't. I just went silent, I felt like I was choking. I could barely breath. I acted as though I was furiously taking notes and thinking about his case, but really I was picturing my beautiful girl and having flashbacks of my Dr.'s big brown eyes, feeling my daughter lifeless between my legs, I was hearing the sounds I made, my husband's horrified face, my mom's reaction when she finally made it to the hospital and we had to tell her Bremy was gone. I was reliving the day I lost my daughter. Luckily, I kept the tears in my eyes and was able to finally breath and get back to my client.

The next day I successfully argued for each of them to be released in time for them to see their children be born. On December 5th.

Each day is getting slightly easier, but I'm so tired of these moments. I just want them to go away, I want the painful memories to disappear. I want to feel the way I used to feel. I guess I don't know if I ever will, but I'm growing impatient with myself. I don't want to cry in the car when as sa song comes on or choke up when I see a pregnant woman, or walk by the baby Gap where I bought her first outfit. I just want my brain and my heart to forget.

The rest of the world is still going, and I know my world will slowly grow to a new normal. I just wish I could be at that place already.

The Love of a Dog

Maverick will be 6 years old at the end of the year. B and I make no qualms about how much we dote on him and treat him as though he is an actual child. We crate trained him, took him to puppy training school (can't say it worked any wonders!), researched the best dog foods and we also make sure we both try to attend his veterinary appointments together. Yeah, we're those dog people. Many have commented on how poor Mav is going to get a wake up call once a human baby arrives, but we hope we can maintain loving him just as much.

After our loss of Bremy, it was clear to me that Maverick also felt the loss. I had been a little disappointed when I was pregnant and Maverick did not seem to notice and did not seem to have that doggy intuition where he could tell mama had a bun in the oven. He wasn't protective of me and also never seemed to pay any extra attention to my belly.

On the day I finally returned home from the hospital after delivering our baby girl, I immediately sat nose to nose with my pup. He licked my face and nuzzled his big head into the crook of my neck. I made my way to our bedroom where he followed me. I was so exhausted that I plopped down on my bed, one foot hanging over the side and dozed off. B came in to shut the door, which woke me up. I looked down and saw that Mav had been sitting on the floor at my feet, facing the doorway of our room (not a spot he ever sat in). I expected him to follow B as he left, but he didn't. He looked up at me, then turned back, facing the door. Twenty minutes later, I awoke again and he was still there. Sitting up, head to the door. This was not his usual thing. I called out to him and he turned once again and licked the top of my foot and then returned to his position. My doggy knew everything.

Since then, Maverick has been my constant companion. He is normally a stubborn dog who doesn't necessarily come when you call. But since Bremy has gone he has been so sweet and loving to both of us.

A couple nights ago, while at my parents I was just getting into bed when I heard him stirring in his travel crate. I knew he wasn't too comfortable since this crate is quite a bit smaller than his normal bed, so I turned the light on and crouched down to give him a pet. I scratched his ears and rubbed his head until he laid down and drifted off. In that moment I couldn't help but think of my baby girl. And how much I wanted to be soothing her to sleep. As I looked at our pup resting peacefully I thought of how much I wanted to be a mother and how much I already was one. Even with this immeasurable hurt over our daughter, I felt thankful to have the unconditional love of our sweet dog.

I saw this picture today on facebook, and of course it made me well up. There were over one thousand people at this Navy Seal's funeral. And this is his dog. Chills. I love our Maverick so much, and looking at this picture, I'm grateful to be here with him, even if our girl is not here. I am grateful for his companionship.

Missing my Girl

Dear Bremy Belle,

I was finally feeling a little better. We've been going out with your grandparents, trying to keep busy. I have managed to smile and laugh in the last few days. But I still cry myself to sleep each night in your daddy's arms. He has been so incredibly strong and even though we don't say a word as I cry at night, his love is what is getting me through. His fingers on my forehead are what let me finally fall asleep each night.

Today was a hard day. We are home and trying to get the house and our lives back in order without you. The pain is just hurting me so bad. I've never ever felt this way before.

My heart is quite painfully broken. I have no less than one hundred thoughts per second about you, my pregnancy, the birth, your face, all the things I imagined for you, about another pregnancy, another baby, this happening again, miscarrying earlier, or later, not being able to have another baby, your toes, and then all those thoughts seem to explode in my head and that's when I just cry. I cry so hard and it hurts so much. I've never ever heard these cries come from myself. They are cries of real pain in my soul. And I know everyone experiences horrible things, even worse things, but this is a very specific sadness that very few people can understand.

Everyone keeps telling us we now have an angel looking down on us. It should be comforting but it is not. I wish there were a way I could still feel you or sense you. Obviously I miss those physical reminders of your life like your kicking and your bulge and the feeling of your weight in my abdomen. But what I miss more is that emotional connection. You were with me for every single second of my life for five months and I just miss that feeling of you being with me. I wish I could say I still feel you with me or that I sense you looking down on us but I don't. I don't feel it. Maybe eventually we will. Maybe I'm just too enveloped in my own sadness, but I'd love to know somehow that you are around.

There are positives to this experience, and I know I'm a changed person after this. You will have a legacy in this family. And it will be a positive one. I just have to get through this dark time to see that light.

Missing you.

Love,
Mama