Today

Today I am 22 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was on this gestational day, last time, that I was told I'd never carry my baby to term. I was told I was dilated and was not given a whole lot of hope or many options.

I will never forget walking back to the elevator of the Dr.'s office, in a blur of tears, calling my mom to tell her that I wouldn't be home for my baby shower. Calling my work to get my cases covered and of course calling B.

I remained hopeful for the next 11 days, but as you know at 23 weeks and 5 days we lost our precious girl.

I have to admit, if all is well at this appointment on Friday I will feel my first victory. The first time I can officially say, things are better this time around. I will feel the next victory when I open my eyes and feel a baby in my belly on the morning of 23 weeks and 6 days. I cannot wait to feel what it's like to be pregnant beyond the point where we lost our Bremy girl.

I readily admit that I watch a lot of the baby shows. From 16 and pregnant, to Pregnant in Heels it's so intriguing to see others deal with pregnancy, birth and parenting. Tonights episode of 16 and pregnant was emotional. The baby's daddy had passed away in a freak accident and then the young mom went into labor very early. I think her son was born at 33 weeks and was only 3lbs and in the NICU for a while. Do you know how amazing 33 weeks sounds to a mom who didn't make it to 24? And then to see this poor little baby struggling and so tiny made me realize how much time it really takes to cook a healthy baby.

I'll be happy with a living baby in my life, even if she comes too soon for everyone's liking, but I pray so hard that I make it to a point where we don't need NICU and don't have to endure a traumatic birth. I just pray we can skip that stress and worry. It's so hard to imagine what it would feel like to leave that teeny baby in the hospital and go home. I don't know if I'd be able to leave her. There are so many scenarios going through my head.

Right now I will take my victories as they come. Hopefully I'll be celebrating on Friday.

A letter to my first

Dear Bremy,

It's hard to find the words to write to you now. There has not been one single day that has passed that I've not thought of you and all that you meant to us. Not one single day. Most of those days have involved a tear, or two, or a lot. Some days more than others. These are thoughts and tears that I mostly keep to myself. Thoughts and tears I mostly have while I'm in the car or while I try to fall asleep. Your sister is a lot different from you as far as her movement and positioning. I'm kind of thankful for that because I can really differentiate you both. As I approach the week that we lost you, it's becoming harder.

It's strange to know what a baby looks like at 23 weeks and 5 days, but I know because of you. It makes it so much more real to know what the baby girl inside of me now is starting to look like, at least developmentally and proportion-wise.

In the last month, the nightly slideshow of the day of your birth has stopped. I don't re-live it every night anymore and I'm very thankful for that because they are the worst memories of my entire life. But now as I type that I grasp for breath because the pain is still there. It's always just-right there.

After we lost you, I wrote that I missed feeling you inside of me and that I did not yet feel that you were watching over us in any way. But I definitely feel you again. Just in little ways. I like to believe you are with my Grandma and Grandpa and that you are being taken care of, that you are happy together.

I'm finally starting to grow thankful for my experience with you. Not completely, but I'm starting to see all of the things that helped us for this time around. The fact that they saw my incompetent cervix relatively early, so that they knew for sure that's what it was. The fact that I was already in the hospital when I went into labor with you. I wonder how much more traumatic it would have been to have that happen out of nowhere at work or at home, or in the car alone? I'm also thankful that the sonographer who measured you at 20 weeks got the measurements wrong. The only reason we were referred to a specialist was because they said your head was too big. The specialist checked, and it wasn't too big at all. But during that check, they saw my open cervix. The worst news, but now, I'm very thankful and know that the measurement was wrong for a reason. And because of that, I was officially diagnosed and then placed in the hospital.

There are a lot of other things in our life that probably would not have happened had you lived. I'm thankful for those things, one big thing in particular (a new house) and of course, your sister. We probably wouldn't have gotten pregnant that soon had you survived. So your quick appearance in our life was not in vain.

 I also know my personality has changed, and I hope that it's for the better. I'm a little more reserved and quiet- but also not as quick to judge. I feel more compassionate and empathetic to people's pain. I'd never, ever been through anything that hurt this much and when I see people feeling similarly about  things in their life, I get it. I get it much more than I ever used to. As much as it hurts, I'm thankful for it.

You continue to teach me and continue to be a part of our story as a family.  I miss you and I love you and I will always wish that you were still with me. I'm thankful for you and grateful for the time I did have with you, my girl.

Love,
Mommy

21 Weeks

How Far Along: 21

Size of Baby as Relative to Common Household Fruit or Vegetable: Baby is the length of a carrot about 10 1/2 inches head to heel

Weight Gain: 14 freaking pounds. I could not believe the scale. I only get weighed once a month when I see my regular OB. I am pretty upset, but know that I need to do a better job of watching my diet. I haven't been as strict on my gestational diabetes meal plan as I was last time, and it's showing! My sugars have still been really good, so that's how I'm rationalizing the strawberry shortcake and ice cream at night. bad. bad. 

Gender: BABY GIRL!!!!!


Movement: Much more movement this week. I feel her mostly at night as I go to sleep and sometimes early in the morning. I'm finally feeling actual kicks. 

Sleep: Sleeping pretty good, still up at least twice a night for the bathroom. 

What I miss: I'm not going to say I miss exercise, because "miss" would be too strong of a word, but I do feel pretty out of shape. 

Cravings: loving strawberries this week and chocolate pudding. 


Symptoms: pretty tired this week. Took a couple mid day naps which is a rarity for me. 

Best moment of the week: Knowing my cervix is cooperating so far. Huge relief. 

Worst moment of the week: Again, just so much anxiety. 

It's another count down to my Dr. visit on Friday!!

21 Week Appointment

GOOD news to report! I saw the perinate (my favorite male dr who performed my cerclage) this morning and all is well. Cervix is still nice and long, measuring at over 4cm. I was so relieved. Baby is now back to breach position and is looking adorable as ever.

I did mention to the Dr. that I was a little worried I had again developed bacterial vaginosis, as I'd been having similar symptoms. He was slightly flippant about it and wasn't really calming my nerves. He explained that if I keep taking antibiotics, I'll probably develop a yeast infection which is something they don't want. He was happy to hear I'd already scheduled another appointment for next week and said they'd reevaluate then. I asked him point blank if leaving this untreated would cause my cervix to open and he shook his head, no. I'm a little confused and slightly concerned, but I trust that this guy knows what he's doing so I'm trying not to let it bug me.

I see the office again next Friday but could only get in with a Dr. I've never seen before. I wish I could see the same Dr. every time, but this was the trade off to squeezing in weekly appointments.

Thanks for all of your concern and kind words. I'm feeling so much better and ready to enjoy a long weekend :)

Rough

I'm posting  here to hopefully lift a load off of my shoulders and my heart. So many around me are going through difficult or stressful times and I don't want to unload even more on them. I'm just anxious, and maybe even a little depressed this week. Actually, I think terrified is the right word. I just feel paralyzed with fear every day right now. Every twinge, every feeling sends my mind into a tailspin of what-ifs. I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping it will ease my mind, but I'm also so worried about there being something wrong.

Luckily my appointment is first thing in the morning, so I wont be freaking out all day. It wasn't until last night that I had anything that made me think something was wrong. Things just felt different down there. No pressure or anything, just a strange feeling. When I laid down, the baby was kicking me or headbutting me right in the cervix and every time my heart just stopped. I remember this feeling right before I lost Bremy. Was it the baby moving, or was it something else? It was like a thumping feeling. Like knocking every couple minutes. Tears welled up as I just felt so helpless and so frustrated. I just want to know things are going to be ok.

Today I just keep sighing heavily. Even my coworker noticed I just seemed off. It's so hard to put on a happy face when your mind is elsewhere. There are other things going on with my family that are just bummers and some stress for B at work. All have been weighing on my mind.  I feel like I could burst into tears at any given moment and I just hate that feeling.

Luckily, I had a really easy day and work and was home early. I took Maverick on a quiet, slow stroll and soaked in some sunshine hoping to turn my day around.

I just hope things are looking good at my appointment tomorow. I know a good report will ease my mind for a few more days. Thank goodness they are seeing me every week, there's no way I could wait much longer for some reassurance. This is so hard.

20 Weeks

How Far Along: 20 Weeks- the "half way" point!

Size of Baby as Relative to Common Household Fruit or Vegetable: Baby is the length of a banana 

Weight Gain: 9lbs so far

Gender: BABY GIRL!!!!!


Movement: I went three days without feeling her move and I was beside myself with worry. One morning, I literally prayed for her to move I was so scared. She moved about every two hours for the rest of the day. I finally learned from my u/s that my placenta is positioned in a way where it makes it harder to feel her. That really made me feel better. Of course, since then she's been moving like crazy, but I'm not complaining :)

Sleep: Still using the snoogle, still getting up 1-2 times per night for the potty

What I miss: this week I really wanted a beer or a drink, wanted to lift my godson out of his car seat and wanted to plan a trip that I can't take because I'll be pregnant. But, all worth it!

Cravings: still sandwiches, apple pie (I gave in to this one-yuuummm), grilled veggies, raspberries and frozen yogurt :)

Symptoms: nothing noticeable this week 

Best moment of the week: Baby finally moving more, kicking and flipping. I can finally feel her every day!

Worst moment of the week: Overall the anxiety is starting to get to me a little bit. I'd like to fast forward past 24 weeks, please!

I have another cervix check on Friday. Hoping all is holding steady!

20 Week Appointment

I was very anxious for this appointment. It'd been two weeks since I'd been seen by anyone, and I was starting to worry. I had no real reason to, I feel fine and have been taking it easy, but as we approach the time where my cervix inexplicably dilated last time, it's so hard not to doubt that things are ok.

Today I had a quick appointment with one of the perinatologists,  Dr. M. She has won me over, even though she's a little clinical. She genuinely seems to care and also seems confident in what she is doing. I told the office, after my 18 week disaster of an appointment,  I never want to see Dr. C again.

Baby was flipped today. Head down, face down. Heartbeat was about 144. She was moving around. I told the Dr. that I wasn't feeling her much and that she would worry me for a couple days. The Dr. told me that because my placenta was positioned a certain way, it might be more difficult to feel her movements. That made so much sense to me. It made me feel better to know there was a logical explanation. And that I needn't worry.

My cervix is holding strong. The length is measuring a little over 4cm and cerclage looks good. I let out a huge sigh when she told me. When they put the u/s on my cervix I might as well be looking at a Chinese algebra problem. I have zero idea what they are looking at. So I just sit there until they measure and then I can read the number. It was a huge relief to hear things still look good.

The Dr. agreed that I could come in every week for quick cervix checks for the next month. That was a huge relief, as I don't think I could go another two weeks.

Last time, my cervix shortened and dilated between my 20 week and 22 week appointment, so the next few weeks are going to be nerve wracking, but I'm confident in these Dr.s and confident that this cerclage is doing it's job!