Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Our Baby Girl is Here!
Miss Eloise arrived on September 24th, at 7:12am. She's 7lbs8oz over pure love! 19 inches long. I cannot wait to share our birth story, especially since I did NOT end up being induced and had this baby on my own, naturally. Still can't quite believe how it all turned out. We are absolutely over the moon! Her nickname is Ellie. We've been calling her both...amongst other pet names, of course!
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Controlling the Uncontrolable
On Thursday I saw my OB and learned that I'd made some slight progress since my last appointment with her. I was 2.5 cm (barely) and between 80-90 percent effaced. She "swept" my membranes in an effort to get labor going, and then asked me to whip out my calendar and schedule my induction.
She had told me about this possibility since day one. I have gestational diabetes and she would induce at 39 weeks. I'd heard it, but I'd never, ever really processed it, as in my mind, I would never see 39 weeks in this pregnancy.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to stomp my feet. But I didn't. I came in a little on the offensive that day. Ready to argue over the induction. Ready to refuse. I think my Dr. was startled at my defiance. She refuted the "information" I was presenting about increased c-section rates and harm to the baby and calmly explained how the induction works and why it's medically necessary.
I again argued that my gestational diabetes was completely in control and that the baby was not measuring large. She said her concern was my placenta. GD patient's placentas aren't as functioning as non GD moms and there is a higher risk of still birth beyond 39 weeks.
I argued that my non stress tests, meant to observe my placental efficiency were all passed in the minimum amount of time. Never once raising an eyebrow. She said that didn't really matter. The testing was only done to see if I needed to be induced sooner than later and was done twice a week because the passing of the tests "expired" after a few days.
I could tell she was getting a little defensive, I've been seeing this woman for 7 years, and I know she'd never seen me like this and she was surprised. I told her I trusted her and that after what I've gone through, with losing a baby, I didn't want to go against her advice. I leveled with her and explained that I just felt like this whole pregnancy was abnormal-and the one thing I wanted was a "normal" birth. I acknowledge there's no such thing-they are all different. But the whole-"it's time" moment, the laboring at home, the drive to the hospital-the will we make it? The craziness of it all was what I wanted. I wanted to feel like a normal pregannt woman.
I told her I was in no rush to have the baby. I'm not uncomfortable. I'm not tired of being pregnant. This last month has been the best month so far, as I feel like I can live a normal life and the worry and anxiety over a preemie has been lifted. I want my last week!
She said Monday. I twisted my head hastily and took a defiant breath. She just stared at me-right in the eye and said it was for the best. I begged for Wednesday-give me until then. But she repeated, Monday.
"I wouldnt' be surprised if you are in labor on your own by then. Don't stress". I realized she could be right. I still had a chance. A short window-but it was there. I hoped her "vigorous" exam was enough to get things going and I signed my induction papers for her.
I had my last non stress test right after that appointment and since I was early, I took the opportunity to "run" up 6 flights of stairs, in an effort to get things going. Unfortunately that created nothing more than a heaving chest and sweaty back. Almost every old wives tale has been attempted at this point.
Now it's Saturday night. Almost Sunday morning and I haven't a hint of labor. I made the mistake of reading more about inductions and more about the risks it brings to the baby, to me and more about the risk of cesarean. Now I can't sleep. Now I feel frustrated.
What a lesson this all has been for me. I don't entirely cast myself as "type A" but I do like order and I do like being in control. I've never felt more out of control as I have for the past year. I do know in my heart that the only thing that matters is a healthy baby in the end. I know that. But, man, it's hard not to want what you want.
She had told me about this possibility since day one. I have gestational diabetes and she would induce at 39 weeks. I'd heard it, but I'd never, ever really processed it, as in my mind, I would never see 39 weeks in this pregnancy.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to stomp my feet. But I didn't. I came in a little on the offensive that day. Ready to argue over the induction. Ready to refuse. I think my Dr. was startled at my defiance. She refuted the "information" I was presenting about increased c-section rates and harm to the baby and calmly explained how the induction works and why it's medically necessary.
I again argued that my gestational diabetes was completely in control and that the baby was not measuring large. She said her concern was my placenta. GD patient's placentas aren't as functioning as non GD moms and there is a higher risk of still birth beyond 39 weeks.
I argued that my non stress tests, meant to observe my placental efficiency were all passed in the minimum amount of time. Never once raising an eyebrow. She said that didn't really matter. The testing was only done to see if I needed to be induced sooner than later and was done twice a week because the passing of the tests "expired" after a few days.
I could tell she was getting a little defensive, I've been seeing this woman for 7 years, and I know she'd never seen me like this and she was surprised. I told her I trusted her and that after what I've gone through, with losing a baby, I didn't want to go against her advice. I leveled with her and explained that I just felt like this whole pregnancy was abnormal-and the one thing I wanted was a "normal" birth. I acknowledge there's no such thing-they are all different. But the whole-"it's time" moment, the laboring at home, the drive to the hospital-the will we make it? The craziness of it all was what I wanted. I wanted to feel like a normal pregannt woman.
I told her I was in no rush to have the baby. I'm not uncomfortable. I'm not tired of being pregnant. This last month has been the best month so far, as I feel like I can live a normal life and the worry and anxiety over a preemie has been lifted. I want my last week!
She said Monday. I twisted my head hastily and took a defiant breath. She just stared at me-right in the eye and said it was for the best. I begged for Wednesday-give me until then. But she repeated, Monday.
"I wouldnt' be surprised if you are in labor on your own by then. Don't stress". I realized she could be right. I still had a chance. A short window-but it was there. I hoped her "vigorous" exam was enough to get things going and I signed my induction papers for her.
I had my last non stress test right after that appointment and since I was early, I took the opportunity to "run" up 6 flights of stairs, in an effort to get things going. Unfortunately that created nothing more than a heaving chest and sweaty back. Almost every old wives tale has been attempted at this point.
Now it's Saturday night. Almost Sunday morning and I haven't a hint of labor. I made the mistake of reading more about inductions and more about the risks it brings to the baby, to me and more about the risk of cesarean. Now I can't sleep. Now I feel frustrated.
What a lesson this all has been for me. I don't entirely cast myself as "type A" but I do like order and I do like being in control. I've never felt more out of control as I have for the past year. I do know in my heart that the only thing that matters is a healthy baby in the end. I know that. But, man, it's hard not to want what you want.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Gender Reveal Parties
I will admit that when I first heard of the gender reveal party-I thought it was the cutest idea ever. And then I watched one on video. And I thought, who in the hell would want to come to this party other than our parents and maybe like two curious friends? Do you bring a gift? Do you make your husband wear pink of blue? It all started to just seem strange and even a little narcissistic....
These parties now seem really popular, although I've never personally been invited to one.
I had a conversation about them with a friend and we were both laughing at how cute we initially thought they were, until we realized how odd it would be in reality. Then she sent me this article, and I laughed...a lot!
http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/2012/07/gender-reveal-parties.html
What do you think? Honestly, if you had one or have been to one and it was great more power to you. I think the idea is super cute. I just can't imagine it for myself.
These parties now seem really popular, although I've never personally been invited to one.
I had a conversation about them with a friend and we were both laughing at how cute we initially thought they were, until we realized how odd it would be in reality. Then she sent me this article, and I laughed...a lot!
http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/2012/07/gender-reveal-parties.html
What do you think? Honestly, if you had one or have been to one and it was great more power to you. I think the idea is super cute. I just can't imagine it for myself.
On Becoming a Mom
No baby yet. I see the Dr. today to see where I'm at.
I'm starting to get a little anxious about being a mom. After what we've been through, this pregnancy was so incredibly wanted and this baby was prayed for so much, I never had a chance to worry about the whole "we're having a real life baby" thing. Now, as I'm nearing 39 weeks of pregnancy, I'm starting to realize this is actually happening and I have no idea what I'm doing. I realize I'm entering a new chapter of life that really has no end. It's intimidating and it's still shocking, even though it's been such a long road of anticipation.
These are the thoughts I have now: Will I be a good mom? Do I even realize what I'm getting myself into? Will I be a grumpy, mean mom? Will my daughter be a terror? Will we get along later in life? Will being a mom fulfill me?
The last question really had me thinking. I can remember being in college and meeting a girl on my dorm floor. She was severely anorexic and very unhappy at school. She was from a town not far from mine and we carpooled home once and spent a few times together before she dropped out of school. One evening we were on a walk around campus and she was contemplating leaving. I remember not being able to understand her at all. We were so different-- from our eating habits, to our goals. I kept questioning what she'd do if she left school. Where would she go? I was so goal orientated at that point in my life that I couldn't imagine giving up and just going home. She told me she didn't care about school. That all she wanted to be was a mom.
I cannot describe the level of surprise I felt when she said that. My forehead surely crinkled and my eyes probably rolled. What? A mom? We're 19, what are you talking about? She stood by her statement and said, she wasn't concerned about a job or a major but just wanted to meet someone, get married and become a mom. That was her life's goal.
I've never forgotten the conversation and as I grew older I met many more women who seemed to just be waiting out their early twenties in anticipation of a family life. Now I know and am good friends with many moms. I know a lot of stay at home moms. And they really are so fulfilled by motherhood. It's their life. I will admit I was slightly judgy of this when I first met them. I can remember thinking, "Don't they have a life?" I realize now it's just something you can't understand until you are there. I started to understand it more as I fell in love with B, and wanted to spend all of my time with him. But, I still held on to other aspirations and saw having a family as a known "right" that I would get to eventually. It wasn't a goal, it wasn't an aspiration, it was just something I knew would happen and was waiting to want.
I'm glad that the time came where I did want it desperately, and as you know my sense of entitlement to a child was turned on it's head as I birthed a lifeless baby and saw all of my hopes and dreams crumble around me. It wasn't until then that I saw what a privilege motherhood was and how scary it all really is. It wasn't until after Bremy left us that I realized how little my life felt in comparison to her. Having a baby may not be getting into a good school or doing well on exams, or landing a dream job, but it was a sense of accomplishment that was too unique to describe. And I felt it stolen from me. And now it seems I could want nothing more.
I'm glad I had time to write this post before our daughter is here, because I can't wait to see how I feel once I'm actually a mom. For all of the friends I have who are amazing moms and who feel such self fulfillment in their roles, I have a few who don't. Everyone struggles, being a mom is no joke, but I know a couple friends who don't seem to find the same level of joy in mothering as my other friends. It's a hard thing to write and I don't mean to judge-it's something we've talked about, but it's just reality. I'm curious to see where I fall in that spectrum. Right now I can't imagine my daughter not being the center of my universe and the biggest dream come true for me, but that's a big statement. And frankly, a lot of pressure.
This may be a whole different post, but there's also a certain pressure I feel to be so grateful for my daughter that I couldn't possibly complain about being a mom. People tell me that's silly, but it's the truth and I will admit to thinking that of others who struggled with infertility, etc. I guess I think that of a lot of moms. The complaining gets old (again, glad I'm writing this now so I can yell at myself later as I deal with all of the inconveniences of motherhood and need to vent).
I'll tell you that I am so incredibly glad that I feel so great right now and am not struggling with the last weeks of my pregnancy. I really didn't want to end up complaining about being "ready", when all I ever wanted was to be this pregnant. The truth is I feel amazing and at this point am in no rush whatsoever (other than to avoid inducement). I'm very thankful for this time. I'm on cloud nine right now and everyone around me can tell that I'm just in the best mood.
Luckily these motherhood fears aren't overwhelming me, they are just little thoughts that creep into my head as I see a mom wrestle her toddler out of a shopping cart, or stop and stare at the little girl screaming at a restaurant. That will be my child and I'll figure it out. I think it's only natural to have these thoughts. This post was hard to write, but I wanted to get it up before she's here. I cannot wait to hold my baby girl and I can't wait to be her mom.
I'm starting to get a little anxious about being a mom. After what we've been through, this pregnancy was so incredibly wanted and this baby was prayed for so much, I never had a chance to worry about the whole "we're having a real life baby" thing. Now, as I'm nearing 39 weeks of pregnancy, I'm starting to realize this is actually happening and I have no idea what I'm doing. I realize I'm entering a new chapter of life that really has no end. It's intimidating and it's still shocking, even though it's been such a long road of anticipation.
These are the thoughts I have now: Will I be a good mom? Do I even realize what I'm getting myself into? Will I be a grumpy, mean mom? Will my daughter be a terror? Will we get along later in life? Will being a mom fulfill me?
The last question really had me thinking. I can remember being in college and meeting a girl on my dorm floor. She was severely anorexic and very unhappy at school. She was from a town not far from mine and we carpooled home once and spent a few times together before she dropped out of school. One evening we were on a walk around campus and she was contemplating leaving. I remember not being able to understand her at all. We were so different-- from our eating habits, to our goals. I kept questioning what she'd do if she left school. Where would she go? I was so goal orientated at that point in my life that I couldn't imagine giving up and just going home. She told me she didn't care about school. That all she wanted to be was a mom.
I cannot describe the level of surprise I felt when she said that. My forehead surely crinkled and my eyes probably rolled. What? A mom? We're 19, what are you talking about? She stood by her statement and said, she wasn't concerned about a job or a major but just wanted to meet someone, get married and become a mom. That was her life's goal.
I've never forgotten the conversation and as I grew older I met many more women who seemed to just be waiting out their early twenties in anticipation of a family life. Now I know and am good friends with many moms. I know a lot of stay at home moms. And they really are so fulfilled by motherhood. It's their life. I will admit I was slightly judgy of this when I first met them. I can remember thinking, "Don't they have a life?" I realize now it's just something you can't understand until you are there. I started to understand it more as I fell in love with B, and wanted to spend all of my time with him. But, I still held on to other aspirations and saw having a family as a known "right" that I would get to eventually. It wasn't a goal, it wasn't an aspiration, it was just something I knew would happen and was waiting to want.
I'm glad that the time came where I did want it desperately, and as you know my sense of entitlement to a child was turned on it's head as I birthed a lifeless baby and saw all of my hopes and dreams crumble around me. It wasn't until then that I saw what a privilege motherhood was and how scary it all really is. It wasn't until after Bremy left us that I realized how little my life felt in comparison to her. Having a baby may not be getting into a good school or doing well on exams, or landing a dream job, but it was a sense of accomplishment that was too unique to describe. And I felt it stolen from me. And now it seems I could want nothing more.
I'm glad I had time to write this post before our daughter is here, because I can't wait to see how I feel once I'm actually a mom. For all of the friends I have who are amazing moms and who feel such self fulfillment in their roles, I have a few who don't. Everyone struggles, being a mom is no joke, but I know a couple friends who don't seem to find the same level of joy in mothering as my other friends. It's a hard thing to write and I don't mean to judge-it's something we've talked about, but it's just reality. I'm curious to see where I fall in that spectrum. Right now I can't imagine my daughter not being the center of my universe and the biggest dream come true for me, but that's a big statement. And frankly, a lot of pressure.
This may be a whole different post, but there's also a certain pressure I feel to be so grateful for my daughter that I couldn't possibly complain about being a mom. People tell me that's silly, but it's the truth and I will admit to thinking that of others who struggled with infertility, etc. I guess I think that of a lot of moms. The complaining gets old (again, glad I'm writing this now so I can yell at myself later as I deal with all of the inconveniences of motherhood and need to vent).
I'll tell you that I am so incredibly glad that I feel so great right now and am not struggling with the last weeks of my pregnancy. I really didn't want to end up complaining about being "ready", when all I ever wanted was to be this pregnant. The truth is I feel amazing and at this point am in no rush whatsoever (other than to avoid inducement). I'm very thankful for this time. I'm on cloud nine right now and everyone around me can tell that I'm just in the best mood.
Luckily these motherhood fears aren't overwhelming me, they are just little thoughts that creep into my head as I see a mom wrestle her toddler out of a shopping cart, or stop and stare at the little girl screaming at a restaurant. That will be my child and I'll figure it out. I think it's only natural to have these thoughts. This post was hard to write, but I wanted to get it up before she's here. I cannot wait to hold my baby girl and I can't wait to be her mom.
Monday, September 17, 2012
37 Weeks!
How Far Along: 37 Weeks complete which means I turn 38 today. Is this reality?
Size of Baby as Relative to Common Household Fruit or Vegetable: Baby is the length of a swiss chard-about 19 inches and is about 6 1/3 pounds.
Size of Baby as Relative to Common Household Fruit or Vegetable: Baby is the length of a swiss chard-about 19 inches and is about 6 1/3 pounds.
Weight Gain: 30 lbs!----ugh!
Movement: lots of movement this weekend. Hiccups, little punches and kicks-but mostly little movements that I picture as nestling movements.
Sleep: Still sleeping well. Hard to believe but I'll take it!
What I miss: Nothing I can think of
What I miss: Nothing I can think of
Cravings: As always, sweets!
Symptoms: My swelling is down. Nothing new to report.
Best moment of the week: My parents were here this weekend while B had to be away on a "business" trip. I use the term business lightly as it was really more of a fun trip. I was a nervous wreck-but we made it through and my parents were here to babysit me. My mom got to attend a Dr appointment and that was very special. She heard the heartbeat and stood by as my OB violated my cervix. It wasn't that bad, I just wasn't prepared for the vigorous check. Apparently she was trying to get things moving. She said I was "barely" 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. Hoping that means she's coming soon. We are ready and holding on to hope that I wont be induced.
Worst moment of the week: Nothing too bad. I guess you could say the cervical check was not pleasant!
Again, I cannot believe I am still pregnant. I am so grateful for this time and have been in the best mood. I love being able to run errands, make dinner and clean my house. I wasn't the best at "taking it easy" but always felt so much guilt for doing any of the above mentioned activities so being "allowed" is really refreshing. I feel absolutely amazing and if it weren't for the fear I have of being induced, I would be in no rush to have this baby.
I've been walking and trying to get things moving a little bit. Lost my mucous plug last night. Thought about not sharing, but this is my pregnancy journal so documenting it is important to me. The Dr. had assumed I'd already lost it at my appointment, so it was a little bit of a surprise. I hear it doesn't mean much as far as when labor will start, but I like the idea that it's just another step closer!
So many friends are anxiously awaiting the word that baby girl is on her way. I don't think anyone can believe I'm still pregnant!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Dear Baby,
I can't believe I get to meet you in a matter of days. It is so surreal and all of a sudden I feel so unprepared for you.
Daddy and I keep mentioning our "lasts" before you come. Was last weeks 49er game the last we will watch without you? Is this our last date night for a while? Is this the last time I'll be able to get my hair cut and colored and not be in a rush to leave? It's really hard to even imagine what life will be like. But I can't wait for it. Now that my restrictions are lifted, I'm in a much better mood. I've been cleaning and running errands and doing all the things I've been wanting to do in order to prepare for your arrival. Daddy and I had a spa day together-just mani/pedis but it was really relaxing and I love that he's not embarrassed to come with me!
Your room is just about complete and it's a very happy space. I've struggled with what to put on the walls, so that's still in progress but everything else is prepped and ready for you. You have been given so many clothes, it's ridiculous. Daddy's friend R gave us three totes full of girls clothing and other baby items that his little girl wore. We have 0-9months hung in your closet and we do not have room for one more item. Now that you are "full term" I'm wondering how big you will be and how long you will fit in some of the tiny outfits we have. As much as I love and appreciate all of your gifted clothes, mama has not been able to buy much! I think I've only bought you about 4 items of clothing. You'll realize soon how much restraint that has required on my behalf.
Your grandparents are on pins and needles waiting for "the call". So far I've felt nothing more than a couple slight cramps that don't last long. Otherwise, I feel fantastic. We are sleeping like champs and my energy is somewhat stable, although we have sneaked in a couple afternoon naps with daddy since he's been working really early lately.
I'm feeling anxious about your birth, about how it will all go down and how soon you will come. I really don't want to be induced and really, really don't want a c section. After all we've been through, I know I just want a healthy baby at the end, but I'd love to have an experience that I will remember fondly. The car has been ready to go for the past week. Cameras are charged, outfits are out, it's just a matter of time, now!
I'm so excited to reveal your name to our family and friends. So far daddy calls your by your nickname almost exclusively and I wonder if anyone will stick with your full name. I adore both, so I know I'll use them interchangeably. I hope you are healthy and strong in there and hope that you are getting ready to meet us. I can't wait to hold you and see your face!
All my love,
Mommy
Daddy and I keep mentioning our "lasts" before you come. Was last weeks 49er game the last we will watch without you? Is this our last date night for a while? Is this the last time I'll be able to get my hair cut and colored and not be in a rush to leave? It's really hard to even imagine what life will be like. But I can't wait for it. Now that my restrictions are lifted, I'm in a much better mood. I've been cleaning and running errands and doing all the things I've been wanting to do in order to prepare for your arrival. Daddy and I had a spa day together-just mani/pedis but it was really relaxing and I love that he's not embarrassed to come with me!
Your room is just about complete and it's a very happy space. I've struggled with what to put on the walls, so that's still in progress but everything else is prepped and ready for you. You have been given so many clothes, it's ridiculous. Daddy's friend R gave us three totes full of girls clothing and other baby items that his little girl wore. We have 0-9months hung in your closet and we do not have room for one more item. Now that you are "full term" I'm wondering how big you will be and how long you will fit in some of the tiny outfits we have. As much as I love and appreciate all of your gifted clothes, mama has not been able to buy much! I think I've only bought you about 4 items of clothing. You'll realize soon how much restraint that has required on my behalf.
Your grandparents are on pins and needles waiting for "the call". So far I've felt nothing more than a couple slight cramps that don't last long. Otherwise, I feel fantastic. We are sleeping like champs and my energy is somewhat stable, although we have sneaked in a couple afternoon naps with daddy since he's been working really early lately.
I'm feeling anxious about your birth, about how it will all go down and how soon you will come. I really don't want to be induced and really, really don't want a c section. After all we've been through, I know I just want a healthy baby at the end, but I'd love to have an experience that I will remember fondly. The car has been ready to go for the past week. Cameras are charged, outfits are out, it's just a matter of time, now!
I'm so excited to reveal your name to our family and friends. So far daddy calls your by your nickname almost exclusively and I wonder if anyone will stick with your full name. I adore both, so I know I'll use them interchangeably. I hope you are healthy and strong in there and hope that you are getting ready to meet us. I can't wait to hold you and see your face!
All my love,
Mommy
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Dreaming While Pregnant
I've had some seriously crazy dreams since becoming pregnant. I actually wrote a post about some of them, but decided not to publish as they were so hard to describe. In short, right before I lost our twin baby, I had a dream that I lost my cat ( I don't actually have a cat) and I made everyone I knew search for her. Another one involved "cheating" on B with someone I went to high school with. Probably someone I could not be any less attracted to. Still not sure what that one meant. Possibly a side effect of the "pelvic rest" I was put on?
This past Saturday night, I had a dream that our baby was here. I did not dream of the labor, or the birth. I dreamed that I was alone, all dressed and carrying my bags through the halls of the hospital. I was cleaned up and had already had our baby. I entered a very large room, full of baby beds. It looked like the size of a department store floor. I went up to the nurse, who was standing at a hostess stand, and told her my name and that I was here to see my baby. I hadn't seen her yet.
She said she wasn't sure what bed my baby was in, but that she would let me know. I was frustrated, and decided to spend my time scoping out the beds until I found her. I made my way up and down the rows and then saw a baby who was falling out of her bed. The beds looked like the typical hospital cart type beds, but they had no sides to them. So this particular baby was falling out of the bed, her feet hanging off.
I tried to get the attention of a nearby nurse, but she didn't hear me. So I nudged this baby back into her bed and spent a moment gazing at her. She was a newborn, but looked very old and was wide-eyed. "I think that's my baby!" I said. But no one heard. The cart was only marked with a #17.
I marched back up to the hostess/nurses station and said, "I think that's my baby. In bed 17. Can you tell me if that is her?"
She shook her head and said she couldn't tell me where my baby was yet. I stepped behind her podium and got in her face. "Are you kidding me?" I screamed, "Have you ever had a baby? Why can't I see my baby? Why didn't I ever get to see her?" It was dawning at me at this point that I didn't have any skin to skin and had not even laid eyes on my baby yet. She shook her head, and said she didn't have any kids. And I stood smugly, as if I had proved some type of point.
Just then another nurse ran up. I had made a huge scene. The entire place was quiet. "Your baby is in bed 17" she said, her head down.
I rolled my eyes. Why hadn't I trusted my gut? I knew that was my baby.
I marched towards the bed, then started running and scooped her up in my arms. She snuggled me so close and her eyes were so wide. My heart melted into her. I'd never held a baby so close. The tag on the cart now said my name and it listed her weight at 6lbs 6oz, but she was so much bigger than that. When I scooped her up, it was like I was holding a ten month old, or even a one year old. She was so long, her feet hit my thighs as I held her up. But it didn't seem weird to me. It only seemed strange once I woke up.
I can picture her face so clearly. She looked just like me, but her eyes were the bluest blue and were just so big.
I carried her to a hallway where B, my mom and dad and my Grams were waiting. My mom had brought a moses basket and insisted on putting her in there (we don't have one of those either). I kept refusing. I didn't want to put her down. We were all admiring her and loving on her in the hallway.
Then I woke up. As soon as B woke up I recounted the whole dream to him. Without pause he said, "You were dreaming of Bremy. That was Bremy in your dream. She's a year old now."
That thought hadn't yet crossed my mind, but wow I think he's right. Her face was so mature. It was definitely not a newborn I was holding. It was a one year old. It was my girl. I can still feel the feeling I felt when I held her in that dream and I'm so thankful for that feeling. It was amazing and I can hardly describe it. I cannot wait to hold our brand new baby girl, but this dream just made me realize how much Bremy remains with me.
There are some details that I've been thinking about. Her feet hanging off the bed? Bremy was born breech. And at one point, I could feel her feet hanging out of me. It was a horrible feeling. The number 17? I'm not sure. But at this point, it's my guess for this baby's due date? The 6lbs 6oz? Not sure about that one either. Wouldn't that be crazy if that was this baby's weight? The rest doesn't stand out as having a "meaning". But I wanted to document it here, just in case I think of something. I love analyzing dreams.
I didn't want to forget this dream so forgive me for all of the detail.
This past Saturday night, I had a dream that our baby was here. I did not dream of the labor, or the birth. I dreamed that I was alone, all dressed and carrying my bags through the halls of the hospital. I was cleaned up and had already had our baby. I entered a very large room, full of baby beds. It looked like the size of a department store floor. I went up to the nurse, who was standing at a hostess stand, and told her my name and that I was here to see my baby. I hadn't seen her yet.
She said she wasn't sure what bed my baby was in, but that she would let me know. I was frustrated, and decided to spend my time scoping out the beds until I found her. I made my way up and down the rows and then saw a baby who was falling out of her bed. The beds looked like the typical hospital cart type beds, but they had no sides to them. So this particular baby was falling out of the bed, her feet hanging off.
I tried to get the attention of a nearby nurse, but she didn't hear me. So I nudged this baby back into her bed and spent a moment gazing at her. She was a newborn, but looked very old and was wide-eyed. "I think that's my baby!" I said. But no one heard. The cart was only marked with a #17.
I marched back up to the hostess/nurses station and said, "I think that's my baby. In bed 17. Can you tell me if that is her?"
She shook her head and said she couldn't tell me where my baby was yet. I stepped behind her podium and got in her face. "Are you kidding me?" I screamed, "Have you ever had a baby? Why can't I see my baby? Why didn't I ever get to see her?" It was dawning at me at this point that I didn't have any skin to skin and had not even laid eyes on my baby yet. She shook her head, and said she didn't have any kids. And I stood smugly, as if I had proved some type of point.
Just then another nurse ran up. I had made a huge scene. The entire place was quiet. "Your baby is in bed 17" she said, her head down.
I rolled my eyes. Why hadn't I trusted my gut? I knew that was my baby.
I marched towards the bed, then started running and scooped her up in my arms. She snuggled me so close and her eyes were so wide. My heart melted into her. I'd never held a baby so close. The tag on the cart now said my name and it listed her weight at 6lbs 6oz, but she was so much bigger than that. When I scooped her up, it was like I was holding a ten month old, or even a one year old. She was so long, her feet hit my thighs as I held her up. But it didn't seem weird to me. It only seemed strange once I woke up.
I can picture her face so clearly. She looked just like me, but her eyes were the bluest blue and were just so big.
I carried her to a hallway where B, my mom and dad and my Grams were waiting. My mom had brought a moses basket and insisted on putting her in there (we don't have one of those either). I kept refusing. I didn't want to put her down. We were all admiring her and loving on her in the hallway.
Then I woke up. As soon as B woke up I recounted the whole dream to him. Without pause he said, "You were dreaming of Bremy. That was Bremy in your dream. She's a year old now."
That thought hadn't yet crossed my mind, but wow I think he's right. Her face was so mature. It was definitely not a newborn I was holding. It was a one year old. It was my girl. I can still feel the feeling I felt when I held her in that dream and I'm so thankful for that feeling. It was amazing and I can hardly describe it. I cannot wait to hold our brand new baby girl, but this dream just made me realize how much Bremy remains with me.
There are some details that I've been thinking about. Her feet hanging off the bed? Bremy was born breech. And at one point, I could feel her feet hanging out of me. It was a horrible feeling. The number 17? I'm not sure. But at this point, it's my guess for this baby's due date? The 6lbs 6oz? Not sure about that one either. Wouldn't that be crazy if that was this baby's weight? The rest doesn't stand out as having a "meaning". But I wanted to document it here, just in case I think of something. I love analyzing dreams.
I didn't want to forget this dream so forgive me for all of the detail.
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