Working Mom

First of all. Every. Single. Person. told me it would be hard to get back to work. Many people laughed when I said I was only taking four weeks off before returning a few days a week. I listened to these people. I believed them. I shrugged it off and said it had to be done. I would make it work. I would be ok.

And let me tell you. Despite their persistent, unanimous caution, I had NO clue how hard it really would be. Absolutely no sense of what this would feel like.

It is so indescribably hard.

I've cried. I've gotten angry. I've questioned life. I've questioned everything I've ever thought about money, careers and motherhood. And then I started working. And it's gotten better. Not great. Not easy, but better.
And I have to say, I don't even have it that bad. I'm working 2-4 days a week. Most days I'm gone less than 6 hours. So I don't even know what it feels like to be a full time working mom. But this is enough for me to know that I don't want to know what 40 hours a week feels like.

The hardest part to comprehend is that in my mind I know my baby is fine while I'm gone. I know she is sleeping about 70 percent of the time I'm gone. I know she's eating a bottle of my milk with no problem and she is being left with people who love and adore her. But somehow it still breaks my heart and still causes incredible anxiousness.

I remember a friend describing her drive home to me once she'd returned to work after having her daughter (hi K!). She told me she would speed home, and even drive recklessly in an effort to shave off one minute of her commute. She needed to be with her daughter that badly. I remember reading this and truly feeling for her. But somehow it did not compute until I was there: speeding, hoping for green lights, racing to my (sleeping) daughter.

We don't have our child care completely ironed out. For the most part she is with B's mom who does travel a few times a year for long stretches of time. We have a couple of friends who are excited to have her, but since my work schedule is far from predictable, it's really hard to get everyone's schedules together each week. But so far it's working and we're just taking it day by day.

I know soon enough I'll probably feel the need for a break from my child, and will want to be more social as well. But for now, now matter how hard I try to relax, I still find myself rushing home to her each day that I'm gone. I just keep trying to convince myself it will get easier...

Christmastime is Here

I'm not shy about how excited I get for Christmas. This is an especially exciting year. Our first in this home and our first with our daughter.

E is my favorite new decoration! I just love all the Christmas outfits!

Scars

It finally happened. It was week three of E's life with us. I was riding in the back seat with her, B driving. One of our first errands out. As I gazed out the back seat window I realized. Bremy. I hadn't thought of Bremy. It had been a day. I knew it wasn't two days because there had been a conversation about her then. But one day. A whole day had passed where she did not enter my mind. I didn't see her as I drifted off to sleep. Didn't tighten at the thought of her. Didn't swallow and refuse the tears. I'll admit, I never thought this would happen.

I just sat there and stared at E, sleeping peacefully in her car seat. Riding in the car we had bought thinking we'd have a child in it one day. And instead of tears came a smile and a deep breath and a feeling of my heart literally filling. A warmness I'd been yearning for. I didn't feel the huge hole. I didn't feel the brokenness.  My heart was being pieced back together by this beautiful little girl.

There have been several times where we see Bremy in her face. Or stare at her footprints on E's nursery wall. But it's so much less painful now that E is here. Instead of raw pain, there's a certain allowance to the memory. I'm not so sure how to explain it. Almost a feeling of true acceptance of her loss. She's gone and it happened. And now E has happened and somehow that makes the story easier to tell and easier to accept. It also makes it easier to skip a day. To not be consumed by the trauma and sadness. B and I both had some tears a few days ago when we heard a story similar to ours. It was hard to hear of anyone else suffering the way we had. I did cry. But then I stopped. And I felt better. Skipping a day doesn't mean we will forget, or that it will stop hurting, it just means a scar has formed where a gaping hole once was. And that scar feels a lot better.

Two Months Old

It's been so busy around our home lately. I love it, but I'm glad to finally have a moment to sit down and reflect. B and I had a flu bug a couple weeks ago, and it knocked us out for 24 hours, respectively. Luckily E was such a cooperative baby. Not being able to care for her like I'm used to was worse than the flu itself.

 My mom was here for the week before Thanksgiving and then my Dad drove up and joined us for the holiday , along with my brother and his girlfriend. It was so nice having so much help and Ellie soaked up all of the constant attention.

Eloise is now two months old and is still changing so fast! She celebrated her first Halloween  and now first Thanksgiving and Baptism. We had a houseful for Thanksgiving and scheduled the baptism for Saturday to take advantage of my family all being in the same place at once!

Eloise at Two Months:

Weight: 11 pounds 8oz at 10 weeks
Height:   22 inches long
Head:   39 centimeters
Diaper size-We are using size one disposables and are fitting into the smallest setting on our Alva Baby Pockets, Bum Genius Elementals and Bum Genius 4.0s. They are fitting better now that her legs have some chub!

Clothing Size: Now 3-6 months. The 0-3 are very suddenly too short!

Milestones:  Lots of cooing and blabbering and expression. Smiling all the time. Sleeping 9 hours at night consistently! You love to look at yourself in the mirror and like your swing now where you can see yourself in the mirror and smile. 

Events to Remember:   

10/31- First Halloween- you were an Elephant! It was a rainy evening and we didn't get many trick or treaters. We hear this neighborhood doesn't get many. It was our first year in this house so I definitely over-bought in the candy department. You did meet some neighbors who came to the door, but it was a pretty quiet night. 

11/22- First Thanksgiving. We hosted both Grandmas and Grandpas, Uncle T and Auntie S. Lots of food and fun. The weather was perfection. Sunny and warm. We did our traditional 2 turkeys-one deep fried and one baked. Everything was perfectly delicious. You slept right through dinner which was rather nice for Daddy and me!

11/24- Baptism Day. We scheduled this pretty last minute. Your Great-Grandmom was able to get us in at her church for a private baptism. You woke up cranky that morning and were a little fussy through the baptism but we were able to get you calm for some pictures. It was lovely! Your Godmother, Auntie J and her parents were there along with Godfather Uncle T (of course) . We went out to brunch afterwards and had everyone back at the house to hang out and visit. It was a really great day. 

7 Weeks Old

Dear Eloise,

You are now 7 weeks and I'm savoring every moment of this newborn stage. You are changing right before our eyes, and while I cannot wait for your personality to come out, I'm already feeling like it's moving way too fast. You had your first smile a little over a week ago, and daddy and I couldn't have been more excited. We've seen a few more since then, but nothing too consistent. Daddy loves to try to get you to give him a big grin-I don't know how you resist since he's so goofy as he tries!

You are holding your head up really well. I forget that, until people mention it and then I realize that yes-you sure do hold that head up. You love to face us in a sitting up position and also love to lay in your newborn lounger and stare at us, the window and the TV. You seem mesmerized by the TV.

You absolute favorite time, is bath time. You take a bath every night as part of your bedtime routine. Since we realized you love it so much, we make it about 20 minutes long and just let you soak and splash and enjoy. You look so relaxed and peaceful, and you get pretty darn mad when we finally take you out!

I'm starting to read to you, even though you don't seem to notice. We read the whole Eloise book and I was highly amused. I had never read the original and it's pretty funny. I hope you have the same spirit as the character in the book!

Since day one you have been such a good baby. You haven't given me any trouble. From breastfeeding, to sleeping-I just can't complain. You are sleeping through the night thanks to Moms on Call.  You have definitely gotten more fussy during the day in the last three weeks, but are easily calmed. You love to nurse and love your pacifier. I was extremely hesitant to give you a pacifier, but it's worked wonders for the car and other situations where I really need a quiet baby. It hasn't affected our nursing, which is what I was worried about, so I've accepted it. I still don't' let you sleep with it at night, however.

From birth, you have loved your hands. Always flapping them around, touching your face and holding my fingers. Since you were born we've told you I think you are an orchestra director, because that's what it looks like when you are moving those arms back and forth. You still love them and they do find your mouth when you are hungry. No thumb sucking, but I would not be surprised if that happens. You have a strong grip at this point and you love to grab my hair already!   I love, love holding hands with you.

Death Grip on Mama's hair...

You've developed a little rash on your face and neck. I'm worried that you may have a milk allergy. The strange thing is it comes and goes. I've read that this can be common around 6 weeks and no treatment is necessary. I've cut back on dairy to see if that helps. You don't seem bothered by it, but you also don't poop very much so I'm hoping everything is ok. Again, I've read it can be normal for breastfed babies. We'll see what the Dr. says at our check up....I'm finishing this post up at 7 weeks, and your rash is now out of sight. I guess it really was a 6 week thing!

I worked a couple half days this week. The anticipation of working was much worse than actually doing so. Our really good friend S watched you and was so excited about it, that it made it  much easier to leave you with her. I don't think she even put you down while I was away. You took  your bottle like a champ which is another thing I've been worried about. But, in true good baby form, my worries are for naught.

Words cannot describe the joy you bring me each and every day. Even when you cry or fuss, I just think how lucky I am to hear those sounds. Sometimes I still just can't believe you are here. I catch myself stopping at every reflective surface when you are in my arms, because I can't believe that's actually me, holding my own baby.  I absolutely hate leaving you and I know work is going to get busier, but we've just got to take it one day at a time. Your Grandma is coming up this week to help me transition back to work. I know she can't wait to see you.

All my Love,
Mommy

Newborn Photos

Here are some of my favorites from our session...

Mona Lisa Photography

One Month Old!

I just have to say this-this month FLEW. I've seen moms write this before, but never, ever understood how fast time could go. I feel like we just left the hospital yesterday. I just can't believe it.

Today Ellie and I went to the Dr. for her one month well check. B is back to work so we were flying solo. I made sure we had plenty of time to get ready this morning, and also scheduled her appointment for a time were she was to be napping. Fully belly. Clean diaper, sleepy girl-it worked out very well. I brought her in her car seat and snapped it into our Maclaren easy traveller stroller  She was an angel for the Dr. and the Dr. agrees that she is a perfect baby.

She is now 9lbs 3oz, up from 7lb 8oz at birth and 7lb4oz at her two week check. She has grown to 21 3/4 inches. She is right around the 50th percentile for both height and weight. I kind of have to laugh because we really thought she'd be a big baby. I'm so glad she's growing and is considered "normal". It really is so fulfilling to know I have a healthy, growing baby!

We are just starting to move out of the newborn clothes. They still fit her around, but the sleepers and onesies are just too short. We've also moved into size one diapers. She's still too small for most of our cloth diapers, but we are making use of the prefolds/covers. I haven't been keeping up with the laundry like I should be, so we're using them about two days a week.

Eloise at One Month:

Weight: 9lbs 3oz
Height: 21.75 inches
Head:   14.29 inches
Diaper size-using up the newborns but mostly size 1 and newborn GMD Prefolds
Clothing Size-just moving out of newborn
Milestones: lots of kicking movements, strong grasp and good eye contact. Lifting head well. Sleeping about 4-6 hours a night and feeding every three hours during the day.
Events to Remember: 10/6/12-Auntie J's 30th birthday was your first trip to San Francisco.
                                     10/21/12-First bottle of mommy's milk fed by Grandma (you took it but were very
                                     confused.