Undecided

I've always, always known what it is that I want. From outfits, to friends, to men, to vacations, weddings, homes, schools, majors, law school. I've rarely had moments in my life where I haven't had a 'vision'. I love my visions, they are what have kept me motivated in life, school, hell even decorating. Anything I've ever really wanted has been envisioned, where I feel like I see it before it even happens. 

Right now, I'm just lost. I have no job and it's eating at my soul. The real, true problem is I just don't know what I want to do. 

I learned a very important thing when I started dating B. He was someone who did not put a value on  material things or money. He worked very hard during his work day, but he couldn't wait to come home and just be home. That idea was so foreign to me at the time. In college and in law school I only came home to sleep. The rest of the time I was working, studying or playing. I found it so comforting to embrace this idea of being home. The idea is really what kept me from pursuing a crazy legal job where I worked 60 hours plus a week. I was determined to find a job where I could actually have a life. 

 I remember telling people I wanted a job where I worked essentially part time, didn't have someone hovering over my shoulder supervising me, and where I was paid more than I thought I deserved. And that exact job was handed to me on a silver platter. No resume. No interviews. I interned there and was hired there. 

I'm over the fact that I will probably not find another job like that one. Earning a full time pay on part time work is hard to come by, I am finally wrapping my head around that. I'm ready to work. I'm ready to do this and provide for my family once again. But, I also want to be home. With B. With E. I want that so badly. 

Is that a lawyer job? Is that opening my own office? Is that working for the government? Is it getting involved in selling real estate which was always my plan B before law school? Is it learning more about my favorite hobby, photography and integrating that with another job? Instead of a vision I just see this big blank page. Or rather a page with random things scribbled everywhere. And it's incredibly disturbing. 

Right now I'm the reluctant stay at home mom. And I can't even disguise how much I just love this time. I relish in it and am on such a high until I see our bank account, or until I realize another week has gone by, and no call backs from the 10 jobs I applied for two weeks ago. It's just this horrible missing piece in my life, but all of the other pieces are there and they are so beautiful. 

I've noticed the older generation of people in my life tell me to just enjoy it, to take this time in and be grateful. And I really am. This past year I've had such introspect into what a joy life is and what an absolute gift my baby is. It is just not lost on me in the slightest. But, I do enjoy having money and I do enjoy working and using my own talents to help and benefit others. I want that piece to fit into my life. 

I just don't want it to be the biggest piece.