Going Home

At the end of July, I went home to Southern California for the first time in almost two years. I cannot believe it had been that long. But, with buying and remodeling a house and then a very restricted pregnancy, there was just never time to make the trip down. My parents come up north almost once a month, but thanks to my brother's fiance's bridal shower in her hometown, I finally had a reason and the opportunity to visit!

Originally, it was just going to be E and I, but at the last minute B was able to get the time off. We had a complete blast!

We ate our way through town. There were so many places I've been missing! Most importantly, I introduced E to some real Mexican food. I love living in  Norcal, but the Mexican food up here does NOT compare!

We also enjoyed a lunch on the beach and E got her first "walk" in the sand and her first up close glimpse at the ocean. I was pleasantly surprised that she reacted so enthusiastically. She got really excited as soon as we made our way on to the beach and was just mesmerized by it all. 

 Two very long time friends just had their first babies and I was chomping at the bit to hold those beautiful girls! Baby Q and baby T did not disappoint. It was just a dream to see my childhood friends as mommies.

E mostly seemed oblivious to baby Q, that is until I lifted her up to see and she tried to grab Q's eyeball!

 So fun to see the brand new baby and the brand new Mommy! 

Baby Q at just 11 days old! She is the teeniest little angel baby. I could have held her all day long. I was also so excited to see Auntie K's new house. Absolutely gorgeous! I also could have just stayed there all day!

 The next day we traveled to Auntie A's new house in Los Angeles. It was so fun to see. Baby T is on the right. My naked baby felt right at home and both girls made themselves quite comfortable there. We made a whole day of it and I really enjoyed catching up with my girlfriends. We are hoping Auntie A gives them a cousin soon!

Of course the reason for our trip was to attend Auntie S's bridal shower. She is from such a beautiful little town in the Santa Barbara wine country. It was a gorgeous day and a lovely shower. It was a little warm, and definitely wore E out. She took a good nap while we had a little after-shower wine tasting at the wedding venue!

We reconnected with some old neighbors whose kids used to babysit me and my brother. They now have big kids of their own. E met several of them, and had fun playing with the baby of the family, K. He let her borrow his push car and we laughed until we cried watching E convulse with excitement when we pushed her in this thing. It was just precious. 

E's schedule was nowhere to be found all week and she did great. Slept like a champ and just absolutely loved being out and about. There were several late dinners, long drives and days where she was in and out of the car seat twenty times. This girl loves to socialize and I'm so glad because we had a blast. It was a great, much needed trip!

Fork

I'm definitely at a crossroads at this moment in my life.

After five years as an attorney, and six years with the same office, my job no longer exists. After prison reform and government realignment, I have no work. Since the moment I started, there was a sense that this job would not last forever. I knew I had a good, sought after gig and I stuck with it, mostly because it was something that made me happy. I loved the work and the money was great.

Now, I find myself wondering what's next. I thought I had something lined up. I was so hopeful that my next step would be laid out in front of me. That something would fall in my lap, just as my first job had. It really looked like things were going to fall into place. This job was not a traditional attorney position and looked like it would be fun, challenging and flexible. I was in! After a pretty rigorous interview process, and actually missing my last day of work for the final interview, I was informed yesterday that I did not get the position.

I had my doubts, after I didn't hear from them on the day they said they would have a decision made, but the formal rejection still stung and left me feeling like all my eggs were in that basket, and I was suddenly empty handed.

I'm a little panicked.

Unfortunately my private law school student debt, and our other responsibilities make it impossible for me to stay home, or to take some sort of lower paying job (not that I've been offered any). As I apply for position after position, I realize just how great I have had it for the past five years. Some of these jobs just sound horrible, and the thought of working all. day. long. away from home just puts my stomach in knots. At this point, I'm getting desperate and I know I can handle it after an adjustment period, but man have I had it good.

I like to practice thinking positive, and up until yesterdays rejection I was feeling like I could visualize a new life, a better life with this change. So now I'm just trying to maintain visualizing a positive change, even though I don't know exactly what life will look like. I feel a little lost, and this is a very unfamiliar feeling for me. I have had the next step planned in my life....for my entire life.

So right now I'm hoping for something that challenges me, something that allows me to feel like a human with a life. Maybe something from home, or with a less traditional set up. I'm ready universe!

Dear Bremy Belle,

yesterday was your second birthday. I tried to write this post four times, but the right words just wouldn't come...

It's been two years since I've felt you. I miss you more than I could ever describe. But, I'm able to say your name in a conversation without choking now. I'm able to think of you without the tears welling. Time, and more so your baby sister, are patching my broken heart together.

I'll never forget the moment I knew you existed. I'd taken many pregnancy tests in the three months prior, and casually decided to take one before I took a long bath. And there it was. Two very faint lines. I'll never forget that my reaction was to thank God instantly. I just felt so thankful from that very moment.

From that moment on, there was no going back. I was in a different frame of mind. A different, more exciting place. Life was instantly put in fast forward.

For 22 weeks my pregnancy with you was so much fun. I felt really great and felt like I looked good too! You were so incredibly active and I could feel every flutter so early on. I just loved that. When you were stolen from me, it was your kicks I missed the most.

We knew from your activity that you were so spunky. I feel like I can imagine the kind of baby and child you would have been.

I want to keep your memory alive, I want Ellie to know that she had a sister named Bremy. So many have reached out to me, to say they are thinking of us. I appreciate that there are people who understand that this is hard. I don't know why it's so hard for us, but it has been. Our hearts were shattered and while we're functioning and so incredibly happy to have your baby sister, it still feels so fresh.

Daddy and I spent the evening talking about you. He revealed some painful memories of the morning you were born, and said it's hard for him to know that there are some people in our life who look at your loss as a miscarriage and don't acknowledge the gravity of the toll it took. But for every person who brushes it off, there's two more who get it and have been so caring towards our family. We are lucky to have the support we have.

I truly hope we will meet again. I hope you are that spunky personality I imagine that you are.

Bremy you changed our lives in immeasurable ways. You prepared my heart for motherhood and opened my heart.

I love you and miss you.

All my love,

Mommy

9 Months

How do I have a 9 month old?

What a fun month! I just love being your mommy. I don't know how to put this exactly, but I haven't taken being your mom for granted in the least. I am grateful for each day and for all of the shared moments. I consider myself lucky and so thankful for this life.

The level of interaction has changed so dramatically in the past couple months. So much laughing and communication, it's amazing. I'm really enjoying this stage!

 On 5/25/13 Daddy got tickets to another Giants game, and while I was nervous about sitting in normal seats, we decided to take you. It was a really long game, but you did great overall. It's getting harder to get you to nap in public, so I was glad you at least got a catnap in. Good thing, because the game went into extra innings and the Giants won after an in the park home run! I'd never seen an in the parker before! Super exciting.

That would be a tired baby in the beco carrier right there!!

Memorial Day weekend was spent by the pool with friends.  Here you are with one of your biggest fans, I, eating watermelon, of course!

A new outfit from mommy. One of my favorites on you!

We were able to get to story time a few times this month. It's funny how you've become more reserved, where you used to be so animated at these. Now, you make sure I'm near, and stare in amazement rather than laugh and smile the whole time. By the end, you seem to let loose and enjoy. This month you started to dance whenever you hear music. I may be biased, but I'm telling you, you have good rhythm. We discovered several weeks ago that you LOVE the live version of Eric Church's "Over when it's over" you light up as soon as you hear the instrumental intro. We may play it constantly....

We took two weeks of swim "lessons" this month. It was more of a float with mommy class. You were by far the youngest in the group, and while you tolerated the water, you never seemed to love it. Thankfully, you never cried so we just enjoyed the cool down each night.

You are getting a lot stronger and a lot more brave. Here you are trying to pull up in the tub. You've yet to pull up on furniture, though. You just recently started to crawl. You've been trying your darndest for the past few weeks and finally, you are up on all fours. You love moving around, but are still moving nice and slow and we are just fine with that!

This month also brought father's day. Grandma and Grandpa were here for the weekend with us and we had a really nice, low-key visit which was great. Your daddy loves you so much and your relationship is becoming even sweeter as you grow. He is SUCH a proud dad. Since the moment you were born, multiple strangers have come up to us and said commented on how proud, excited, happy, exuberant your father looks. One day it happened twice! It makes me so happy to see him so happy.  You also love your Grandpa and he is quite smitten with you. It's such a sweet thing to see.

Weight: 14lbs 15oz
Height:   24.7 inches
Head:    43.2 cm
Diaper size- size 2 disposables 4 unsnapped across in cloth.
Clothing Size:  6-9 months with some 9 month outfits fitting!

Milestones:  First tooth came in slowly but surely. Front bottom right tooth. Crawling! Saying dada, and lots of baa sounds. Able to get back to sitting position from crawl position, pulling up to knees on objects and some slight standing in bathtub, on mom and in crib.  Dancing (girl has some rhythm), clapping and just started waving.

Eating-  Eating is a favorite activity and even with only one tooth, she is able to eat anything. She loves feeding herself. Loves the sippy cup and can now drink from a straw. She is starting to prefer fruit (and still sweet potatoes) and turning her nose up to greens. I tried spoon feeding some veggies to try to get some nutritional balance and it did not go over well at all! So we're going to have to figure out some ways to make veggies more appealing.

Not a fan of peas! 

Nursing is going really well! Pretty much every 4 hours still. 

Sleep: eeeeek! All of a sudden my sweet nighttime routine baby was no longer peacefully drifting off at nighttime and this slowly crept into nap time as well. I tried a gentle approach, but ultimately crying it out was the only answer. As of the past two weeks we are sort of back on track. Still crying some nights, but mostly putting herself to sleep pretty well. Once she's asleep she's been sleeping great!

We are on a consistent two naps a day. One in the morning and the other in the early afternoon. They are about 1.5 hours each. Bedtime is between 7-8pm and wake up has been 630 mostly.

Loves to play!

Favorite Toys: Anything she can bang together. Loves her baby dolls and anything that talks to her. Grandma brought her a fisher price picnic basket which has been a hit!

Love you to pieces!

8 Months!

This month started out with Uncle T's graduation from his fire academy. It's been a long time coming so we celebrated all weekend with his friends and our whole family. You were absolutely perfect at the graduation ceremony and just loved all of the attention. You are so happy so long as we are out and about.

You did NOT want to sleep at the party, so Daddy took you out into the open space and tried to rock you. It did not work. You are a party animal.

All giggles while Grandma was here to visit that weekend.

We had portraits taken at 7.5 months so we could give them as Mother's Day gifts to the Grandmas. You are such a sweetie pie in the pictures.

You and Maverick have gotten to know each other better this month. You love to reach out and pet him, tug on his ears and grab his fur. So far, he doesn't seem to mind and is finally coming near you more often. You squeal with delight every single time he enters the room. He also comes into your nursery now and refuses to leave, even when I put you down for a nap. As long as he doesn't wake you, that's ok with me. 

You finally met your Auntie K when she and her husband were in SF as part of a road trip they took in their fancy trailer! We had such a lovely visit and I'm so glad we were able to make a day of it. Your "cousin", baby Q, will be here so soon and I hope we can arrange to see her sooner than later!

It was our first Mother's Day together. We went to brunch and Daddy took us shopping just the three of us. You were a little off that weekend and we realized later you had a low fever and were not feeling great. Your first little cold! Luckily it only lasted a few days and never got too severe.

Back to your smiley self. This was a really fun month where we watched your personality blossom. You are not such an infant anymore!

Eloise at 8 Months

Weight: 14.4 lbs
Height:   24.5 inches
Head:    ?
Diaper size- size 2 disposables 4 unsnapped across in cloth.
Clothing Size:  6-9 months with some 9 month outfits fitting!

Milestones:  gaining strength in the crawling position and able to scoot backwards, great hand-eye coordination, carrying things, finding things that are out of reach. Loves to be sitting up. Talking more and more, mostly mimicking sounds but no distinguishable words yet. 

Eating-  Eating A LOT of food. Sometimes I wonder if it's normal. She is a sweet potato fiend! We eat an entire sweet potato every day. I use the Plum Organic or Happy Baby organic pouches while we are out and about or at nana's house since they are SO easy. She also loves the MumMum snacks. 

Nursing has become a lot more relaxed now which has been really nice. She goes 3-4.5 hours between nursing which really takes the pressure off. I was thinking she was going to wean herself sooner than later, but she's still going strong and I'm hopeful we can make the one year goal I set for myself. 

Sleep: We really have nap time down now, which is so nice. Her morning nap is the most consistent, as she gets very tired 2 hours after waking up in the morning. She usually goes down for at least 70 minutes, and sometimes 2 hours. Depending on our day she will take one or two more naps for anywhere from 45min to two hours. 

nighttime sleep is less consistent. Still going down without a fight, following our bath time routine. Bedtime this month was mostly 7pm, sometimes earlier, sometimes later depending on whether there was a third nap in the afternoon. There was a good two weeks where she slept through to 630/7am but also some times where she would wake up once or twice before 630. The week where she was stuffy was a rough week for nighttime sleep!

Favorite Toys: My Grams always gave kids kitchen supplies to play with while at her house, and they always LOVED it. So I gave E some plastic measuring cups, spoons and other random things and she loves banging them together and handling them. Cheap entertainment for sure!