I'm definitely at a crossroads at this moment in my life.
After five years as an attorney, and six years with the same office, my job no longer exists. After prison reform and government realignment, I have no work. Since the moment I started, there was a sense that this job would not last forever. I knew I had a good, sought after gig and I stuck with it, mostly because it was something that made me happy. I loved the work and the money was great.
Now, I find myself wondering what's next. I thought I had something lined up. I was so hopeful that my next step would be laid out in front of me. That something would fall in my lap, just as my first job had. It really looked like things were going to fall into place. This job was not a traditional attorney position and looked like it would be fun, challenging and flexible. I was in! After a pretty rigorous interview process, and actually missing my last day of work for the final interview, I was informed yesterday that I did not get the position.
I had my doubts, after I didn't hear from them on the day they said they would have a decision made, but the formal rejection still stung and left me feeling like all my eggs were in that basket, and I was suddenly empty handed.
I'm a little panicked.
Unfortunately my private law school student debt, and our other responsibilities make it impossible for me to stay home, or to take some sort of lower paying job (not that I've been offered any). As I apply for position after position, I realize just how great I have had it for the past five years. Some of these jobs just sound horrible, and the thought of working all. day. long. away from home just puts my stomach in knots. At this point, I'm getting desperate and I know I can handle it after an adjustment period, but man have I had it good.
I like to practice thinking positive, and up until yesterdays rejection I was feeling like I could visualize a new life, a better life with this change. So now I'm just trying to maintain visualizing a positive change, even though I don't know exactly what life will look like. I feel a little lost, and this is a very unfamiliar feeling for me. I have had the next step planned in my life....for my entire life.
So right now I'm hoping for something that challenges me, something that allows me to feel like a human with a life. Maybe something from home, or with a less traditional set up. I'm ready universe!
Friday, August 16, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Dear Bremy Belle,
yesterday was your second birthday. I tried to write this post four times, but the right words just wouldn't come...
It's been two years since I've felt you. I miss you more than I could ever describe. But, I'm able to say your name in a conversation without choking now. I'm able to think of you without the tears welling. Time, and more so your baby sister, are patching my broken heart together.
I'll never forget the moment I knew you existed. I'd taken many pregnancy tests in the three months prior, and casually decided to take one before I took a long bath. And there it was. Two very faint lines. I'll never forget that my reaction was to thank God instantly. I just felt so thankful from that very moment.
From that moment on, there was no going back. I was in a different frame of mind. A different, more exciting place. Life was instantly put in fast forward.
For 22 weeks my pregnancy with you was so much fun. I felt really great and felt like I looked good too! You were so incredibly active and I could feel every flutter so early on. I just loved that. When you were stolen from me, it was your kicks I missed the most.
We knew from your activity that you were so spunky. I feel like I can imagine the kind of baby and child you would have been.
I want to keep your memory alive, I want Ellie to know that she had a sister named Bremy. So many have reached out to me, to say they are thinking of us. I appreciate that there are people who understand that this is hard. I don't know why it's so hard for us, but it has been. Our hearts were shattered and while we're functioning and so incredibly happy to have your baby sister, it still feels so fresh.
Daddy and I spent the evening talking about you. He revealed some painful memories of the morning you were born, and said it's hard for him to know that there are some people in our life who look at your loss as a miscarriage and don't acknowledge the gravity of the toll it took. But for every person who brushes it off, there's two more who get it and have been so caring towards our family. We are lucky to have the support we have.
I truly hope we will meet again. I hope you are that spunky personality I imagine that you are.
Bremy you changed our lives in immeasurable ways. You prepared my heart for motherhood and opened my heart.
I love you and miss you.
All my love,
Mommy
It's been two years since I've felt you. I miss you more than I could ever describe. But, I'm able to say your name in a conversation without choking now. I'm able to think of you without the tears welling. Time, and more so your baby sister, are patching my broken heart together.
I'll never forget the moment I knew you existed. I'd taken many pregnancy tests in the three months prior, and casually decided to take one before I took a long bath. And there it was. Two very faint lines. I'll never forget that my reaction was to thank God instantly. I just felt so thankful from that very moment.
From that moment on, there was no going back. I was in a different frame of mind. A different, more exciting place. Life was instantly put in fast forward.
For 22 weeks my pregnancy with you was so much fun. I felt really great and felt like I looked good too! You were so incredibly active and I could feel every flutter so early on. I just loved that. When you were stolen from me, it was your kicks I missed the most.
We knew from your activity that you were so spunky. I feel like I can imagine the kind of baby and child you would have been.
I want to keep your memory alive, I want Ellie to know that she had a sister named Bremy. So many have reached out to me, to say they are thinking of us. I appreciate that there are people who understand that this is hard. I don't know why it's so hard for us, but it has been. Our hearts were shattered and while we're functioning and so incredibly happy to have your baby sister, it still feels so fresh.
Daddy and I spent the evening talking about you. He revealed some painful memories of the morning you were born, and said it's hard for him to know that there are some people in our life who look at your loss as a miscarriage and don't acknowledge the gravity of the toll it took. But for every person who brushes it off, there's two more who get it and have been so caring towards our family. We are lucky to have the support we have.
I truly hope we will meet again. I hope you are that spunky personality I imagine that you are.
Bremy you changed our lives in immeasurable ways. You prepared my heart for motherhood and opened my heart.
I love you and miss you.
All my love,
Mommy
Monday, July 1, 2013
9 Months
How do I have a 9 month old?
What a fun month! I just love being your mommy. I don't know how to put this exactly, but I haven't taken being your mom for granted in the least. I am grateful for each day and for all of the shared moments. I consider myself lucky and so thankful for this life.
The level of interaction has changed so dramatically in the past couple months. So much laughing and communication, it's amazing. I'm really enjoying this stage!
On 5/25/13 Daddy got tickets to another Giants game, and while I was nervous about sitting in normal seats, we decided to take you. It was a really long game, but you did great overall. It's getting harder to get you to nap in public, so I was glad you at least got a catnap in. Good thing, because the game went into extra innings and the Giants won after an in the park home run! I'd never seen an in the parker before! Super exciting.
Memorial Day weekend was spent by the pool with friends. Here you are with one of your biggest fans, I, eating watermelon, of course!
We were able to get to story time a few times this month. It's funny how you've become more reserved, where you used to be so animated at these. Now, you make sure I'm near, and stare in amazement rather than laugh and smile the whole time. By the end, you seem to let loose and enjoy. This month you started to dance whenever you hear music. I may be biased, but I'm telling you, you have good rhythm. We discovered several weeks ago that you LOVE the live version of Eric Church's "Over when it's over" you light up as soon as you hear the instrumental intro. We may play it constantly....
We took two weeks of swim "lessons" this month. It was more of a float with mommy class. You were by far the youngest in the group, and while you tolerated the water, you never seemed to love it. Thankfully, you never cried so we just enjoyed the cool down each night.
You are getting a lot stronger and a lot more brave. Here you are trying to pull up in the tub. You've yet to pull up on furniture, though. You just recently started to crawl. You've been trying your darndest for the past few weeks and finally, you are up on all fours. You love moving around, but are still moving nice and slow and we are just fine with that!
This month also brought father's day. Grandma and Grandpa were here for the weekend with us and we had a really nice, low-key visit which was great. Your daddy loves you so much and your relationship is becoming even sweeter as you grow. He is SUCH a proud dad. Since the moment you were born, multiple strangers have come up to us and said commented on how proud, excited, happy, exuberant your father looks. One day it happened twice! It makes me so happy to see him so happy. You also love your Grandpa and he is quite smitten with you. It's such a sweet thing to see.
Nursing is going really well! Pretty much every 4 hours still.
Sleep: eeeeek! All of a sudden my sweet nighttime routine baby was no longer peacefully drifting off at nighttime and this slowly crept into nap time as well. I tried a gentle approach, but ultimately crying it out was the only answer. As of the past two weeks we are sort of back on track. Still crying some nights, but mostly putting herself to sleep pretty well. Once she's asleep she's been sleeping great!
We are on a consistent two naps a day. One in the morning and the other in the early afternoon. They are about 1.5 hours each. Bedtime is between 7-8pm and wake up has been 630 mostly.
What a fun month! I just love being your mommy. I don't know how to put this exactly, but I haven't taken being your mom for granted in the least. I am grateful for each day and for all of the shared moments. I consider myself lucky and so thankful for this life.
The level of interaction has changed so dramatically in the past couple months. So much laughing and communication, it's amazing. I'm really enjoying this stage!
That would be a tired baby in the beco carrier right there!!
A new outfit from mommy. One of my favorites on you!
This month also brought father's day. Grandma and Grandpa were here for the weekend with us and we had a really nice, low-key visit which was great. Your daddy loves you so much and your relationship is becoming even sweeter as you grow. He is SUCH a proud dad. Since the moment you were born, multiple strangers have come up to us and said commented on how proud, excited, happy, exuberant your father looks. One day it happened twice! It makes me so happy to see him so happy. You also love your Grandpa and he is quite smitten with you. It's such a sweet thing to see.
Weight: 14lbs 15oz
Height: 24.7 inches
Head: 43.2 cm
Diaper size- size 2 disposables 4 unsnapped across in cloth.
Clothing Size: 6-9 months with some 9 month outfits fitting!
Milestones: First tooth came in slowly but surely. Front bottom right tooth. Crawling! Saying dada, and lots of baa sounds. Able to get back to sitting position from crawl position, pulling up to knees on objects and some slight standing in bathtub, on mom and in crib. Dancing (girl has some rhythm), clapping and just started waving.
Height: 24.7 inches
Head: 43.2 cm
Diaper size- size 2 disposables 4 unsnapped across in cloth.
Clothing Size: 6-9 months with some 9 month outfits fitting!
Milestones: First tooth came in slowly but surely. Front bottom right tooth. Crawling! Saying dada, and lots of baa sounds. Able to get back to sitting position from crawl position, pulling up to knees on objects and some slight standing in bathtub, on mom and in crib. Dancing (girl has some rhythm), clapping and just started waving.
Eating- Eating is a favorite activity and even with only one tooth, she is able to eat anything. She loves feeding herself. Loves the sippy cup and can now drink from a straw. She is starting to prefer fruit (and still sweet potatoes) and turning her nose up to greens. I tried spoon feeding some veggies to try to get some nutritional balance and it did not go over well at all! So we're going to have to figure out some ways to make veggies more appealing.
Not a fan of peas!
Nursing is going really well! Pretty much every 4 hours still.
Sleep: eeeeek! All of a sudden my sweet nighttime routine baby was no longer peacefully drifting off at nighttime and this slowly crept into nap time as well. I tried a gentle approach, but ultimately crying it out was the only answer. As of the past two weeks we are sort of back on track. Still crying some nights, but mostly putting herself to sleep pretty well. Once she's asleep she's been sleeping great!
We are on a consistent two naps a day. One in the morning and the other in the early afternoon. They are about 1.5 hours each. Bedtime is between 7-8pm and wake up has been 630 mostly.
Loves to play!
Favorite Toys: Anything she can bang together. Loves her baby dolls and anything that talks to her. Grandma brought her a fisher price picnic basket which has been a hit!
Love you to pieces!
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
8 Months!
You and Maverick have gotten to know each other better this month. You love to reach out and pet him, tug on his ears and grab his fur. So far, he doesn't seem to mind and is finally coming near you more often. You squeal with delight every single time he enters the room. He also comes into your nursery now and refuses to leave, even when I put you down for a nap. As long as he doesn't wake you, that's ok with me.
You finally met your Auntie K when she and her husband were in SF as part of a road trip they took in their fancy trailer! We had such a lovely visit and I'm so glad we were able to make a day of it. Your "cousin", baby Q, will be here so soon and I hope we can arrange to see her sooner than later!
Back to your smiley self. This was a really fun month where we watched your personality blossom. You are not such an infant anymore!
Eloise at 8 Months
Weight: 14.4 lbs
Height: 24.5 inches
Head: ?
Diaper size- size 2 disposables 4 unsnapped across in cloth.
Clothing Size: 6-9 months with some 9 month outfits fitting!
Milestones: gaining strength in the crawling position and able to scoot backwards, great hand-eye coordination, carrying things, finding things that are out of reach. Loves to be sitting up. Talking more and more, mostly mimicking sounds but no distinguishable words yet.
Height: 24.5 inches
Head: ?
Diaper size- size 2 disposables 4 unsnapped across in cloth.
Clothing Size: 6-9 months with some 9 month outfits fitting!
Milestones: gaining strength in the crawling position and able to scoot backwards, great hand-eye coordination, carrying things, finding things that are out of reach. Loves to be sitting up. Talking more and more, mostly mimicking sounds but no distinguishable words yet.
Eating- Eating A LOT of food. Sometimes I wonder if it's normal. She is a sweet potato fiend! We eat an entire sweet potato every day. I use the Plum Organic or Happy Baby organic pouches while we are out and about or at nana's house since they are SO easy. She also loves the MumMum snacks.
Nursing has become a lot more relaxed now which has been really nice. She goes 3-4.5 hours between nursing which really takes the pressure off. I was thinking she was going to wean herself sooner than later, but she's still going strong and I'm hopeful we can make the one year goal I set for myself.
Sleep: We really have nap time down now, which is so nice. Her morning nap is the most consistent, as she gets very tired 2 hours after waking up in the morning. She usually goes down for at least 70 minutes, and sometimes 2 hours. Depending on our day she will take one or two more naps for anywhere from 45min to two hours.
nighttime sleep is less consistent. Still going down without a fight, following our bath time routine. Bedtime this month was mostly 7pm, sometimes earlier, sometimes later depending on whether there was a third nap in the afternoon. There was a good two weeks where she slept through to 630/7am but also some times where she would wake up once or twice before 630. The week where she was stuffy was a rough week for nighttime sleep!
Favorite Toys: My Grams always gave kids kitchen supplies to play with while at her house, and they always LOVED it. So I gave E some plastic measuring cups, spoons and other random things and she loves banging them together and handling them. Cheap entertainment for sure!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Seven Months!
While each day, week and month brings about so many changes in you, little one, this month felt like a lot changed very fast. The introduction of solids flipped your world upside down in a magical way. You absolutely love eating and feeding yourself. It's been such a fun change.
You attended your first Giants game! Daddy found out he won the tickets at work very last minute. Good thing I had a Giants outfit on the ready! We got to sit in a really fun section with many of his work accounts and other people in his industry. We didn't know anyone too well, but I was glad they were all willing to give the lady with a baby a nice comfy seat. It was absolute perfection as there was room to walk around in our section and a little table ledge in front of out seat so I could set you up there and let you look around. It was opening day, and we had a literal front row seat to the raising of the world Series flag. You had fallen asleep in the moby under my jacket so I stayed back from the crowd and watched as daddy stood arms length from his favorite players. Such a treat! You of course got a lot of attention and we even got a nice certificate commemorating your first Giants game. They must know parents love that kind of stuff!
It's been so warm here the past couple weeks. We enjoyed a bbq and evening on the deck at Nana's house.
We attended baby bounce story time at the library. You love it so much. I wish we could go more but it's only on Fridays and we seem to always have other plans or I have work. Hopefully we can get there more. It's such a fun time and seeing you light up is something pretty special.
We celebrated Daddy's birthday all weekend. We went to dinner with friends on Friday. You were an angel in the restaurant and as you can see were quite taken with the lit candles on his birthday sundae. I love this picture! Your daddy is incredibly proud and I love to see him so happy to finally be a Daddy.
Speaking of Daddy, I feel like you both turned a corner this month. You are much more aware of his precense and have developed qutie the affinity for him when he gets home. It's obvious that it melts his heart and it most definitely melts mine. I took a CPR class with Nana on a Saturday and was gone all day long. Daddy seemed a tad nervous to have you all day as he's usually only alone with you for short spurts in the afternoons. He took you on some errands and I think you guys really bonded that day. Ever since then he seems much more comfortable caring for you. And you seem more at ease with him. It's a beautiful, wonderful thing!
Sleep: Ellie goes to bed very well at night following our nightly bath routine. How she sleeps is still hit or miss. Sometimes sleeping through, but mostly waking up once for a very quick feed. I haven't let her cry it out as it's just easier for the time being to do the quick feed as she goes right back down.
Favorite Toys: I'm surprised I haven't mentioned her crinkle book. It's definitely been a favorite for a while. She loves to make it crinkle and it's my go-to car seat toy as it's soft and easy for her to hang on to. She still loves her talking/singing vanity and is now interested in the little stuffed animals she's been given (mainly minnie mouse).
This was supposed to be a picture of your head sticking out under my jacket, but the world series flag they handed out blew into our picture. It was surprisingly warm at the ball park, so you ended up a sweaty little baby after your nap.
The next day, I was commissioned to take engagement pictures for your Uncle and soon to be Aunt. I was a nervous wreck. I know nothing about photography, posing, lighting...I tried my best and ended up having a lot of fun. We got some really pretty pictures and the best part was seeing how happy T&S were with them. That's really all that matters! You were along for the photo shoot, too!
We visited an Iris farm with Nana and Grampa. I was not feeling well at all, but you all enjoyed the beautiful blooms on a warm Sunday evening.
Total cheeser!
Somebody enjoys clementine cuties!
My little beauty. You love a self facing camera!
Eloise at Seven Months
Weight: unknown
Height: ? We still haven't seen the specialist. Our appointment is in a few weeks. I was mistaken at our last appointment. E did grow, she's just still considered short for her age. She recently grew out of several 6 month outfits so I'm really not too worried. I'm going to keep the appointment, but I think she's just fine. We will see what they say.
Head: ?
Diaper size- same
Clothing Size: 6 months and 6-9 months with a select few of 9 month outfits suddenly fitting!
Milestones: Sitting like a champ and really moving around well when seated. Great hand-eye coordination. Not crawling but making the motions and definitely feeling the need to scoot and move. So far she is moving backwards only.
Height: ? We still haven't seen the specialist. Our appointment is in a few weeks. I was mistaken at our last appointment. E did grow, she's just still considered short for her age. She recently grew out of several 6 month outfits so I'm really not too worried. I'm going to keep the appointment, but I think she's just fine. We will see what they say.
Head: ?
Diaper size- same
Clothing Size: 6 months and 6-9 months with a select few of 9 month outfits suddenly fitting!
Milestones: Sitting like a champ and really moving around well when seated. Great hand-eye coordination. Not crawling but making the motions and definitely feeling the need to scoot and move. So far she is moving backwards only.
Eating- As I mentioned introducing solids was life changing for E. She absolutely loves feeding herself. Baby led weaning was for sure the right move for her as she prefers to feed herself and finds a way to eat almost everything we place in front of her. She's had some baby food and some food from the squeezable/suckable capri sun-like pouches, which are very handy when out and about, but for the most part I prefer to feed her "real" food.
Without a doubt her favorite food on the planet is sweet potato. We go through a costco sized bag of these suckers a week. I bake them and then cut them into long finger like shapes. She eats the "flesh" of the potato out and leaves the skin. She also loves zucchini as it's just as easy to eat.
Here's what she's tried:
Avocado
Spinach
Grated Cheese
Wheat Crackers
Whole Wheat Pasta (rotini)
Sweet Potato
Plum (cut into wedges and warmed in microwave)
Pears
Green Beans
Zucchini
Asparagus
Chicken thigh
Chicken Breast
Steak
Ground Beef
Dried Apricot
Clementine Tangerines
Oatmeal
Gerber Puffs
Gerber apple/prune baby food
Prunes from the pouch (Plum organic brand)
Brown Rice Cake
Mum Mum
White Rice
Steamed Bell Pepper
Greek Yogurt
Homemade Pancakes
Sourdough Toast
Scrambled Eggs
Hard boiled egg yolk
The introduction of solids (while just for fun, really) has actually helped tremendously with nursing. She is now going 4 hours between nursing which has made it a lot easier to leave for work and plan our days. She is definitely less interested in the boob so I'm curious to see how long she will continue nursing. My goal is one year, so I'm hopeful!
Sleep: Ellie goes to bed very well at night following our nightly bath routine. How she sleeps is still hit or miss. Sometimes sleeping through, but mostly waking up once for a very quick feed. I haven't let her cry it out as it's just easier for the time being to do the quick feed as she goes right back down.
Our morning nap in the crib is now definitely routine. She sleeps for 1.5 hours. Sometimes one hour and sometimes (like today!) for two hours. She then usually cat naps mid day in the car or while running errands and then naps for at least one hour in the late afternoon. Big improvement from two months ago!
Favorite Toys: I'm surprised I haven't mentioned her crinkle book. It's definitely been a favorite for a while. She loves to make it crinkle and it's my go-to car seat toy as it's soft and easy for her to hang on to. She still loves her talking/singing vanity and is now interested in the little stuffed animals she's been given (mainly minnie mouse).
Crinkle Book!
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