Friday, August 29, 2014

Dear Bremy

It's been three years.

It seems August 13th will always be a hard day for me. It wasn't meant to be a day of any significance. Just another day pregnant, three years ago. But now, it holds so many painful memories and so much love and hope lost.

I'm beginning to realize and accept that I'm not strange for taking this so hard. Maybe I'm just more up front with the difficulties, but I hear more and more of the pain people go through with infant loss. A family member revealed his wife wont even try again after a traumatic early miscarriage. A respected colleague of mine, with two kids revealed he and his wife went through something similar and his wife cannot talk about it to this day--so they've never ever talked about it. He also told me he has a family member who is well in to her 40s and still cries very often over the baby she lost in her 20s. I hate to know anyone hurts as much as I have, but somehow it is comforting to know that others know this loss. And that maybe I'm handling it in a somewhat healthy matter.

This year felt harder than last. Not sure why, exactly. Daddy took it harder too. He even put a post on facebook, which he rarely does. As much as it hurt, it was very brave of him to share the pain of your birthday. Somehow seeing 8/13 brought a lot of emotions to the surface, and even now two weeks later, the tears are welling again.

So many friends have 3 year old starting preschool. And it's hard to not think that would have been you. Three is a tough age and so many of my mom friends are complaining about their defiant, tantrum throwing toddlers. If only they knew I would give anything (anything!) to go round and round with my growing girl.

I can't believe it still hurts so much. Unfortunately I know of several friends who have very recently lost, one even at your exact gestation. I wish I could reassure them somehow, but the thought of saying..."it hurts forever" just doesn't seem comforting. I know it's silly to think there's anything I can say to comfort them. I was told so many things after losing you and so many of those things hurt.

But the sight, sound, touch, and love of your baby sister is what stops the tears and what makes me thankful. She is an amazing gift and without your loss, we would not have her. We wouldn't have known how to save her. Bremy your life was not in vain. My 23 weeks with you were truly so happy and full of wonderful memories.

I love you, my forever baby girl.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

21 Months

21 months started out with a pretty grumpy couple weeks. A little summer cold and a possible ear infection made for some trying days, but we ended on a great note and with no need for medical intervention. By the end of the month you were sleeping nicely and on the go all day! I love the level of understanding that's becoming apparent. Following directions is still a fun game to you and you continue to amaze me with your comprehension and retention. 

You've flourished at your first daycare. Always happy to be there and it was obvious you enjoyed the interaction. I was crushed when she told me that she would be closing her doors to return to teaching. That day I took you to the park and noticed that a daycare was there playing. I talked with the owner and felt like it was serendipitous that I met her that day. It's a much larger daycare, but very close to our house. It's more structured than where you were before, but I think it all worked out for the best. The first daycare was a great stepping stone for both of us. You are doing so great at the new place a couple days a week and it's making my week more productive at work. 
 4th of July pool party!

 Margaritas and ice cream for my 31st birthday!

 Pizza parlor play date with our friends. You loved making your own pizza!
 Bridal shower for cousin K in Napa. You had so much fun with all the ladies.
 And you especially loved the mini lemon blueberry cupcakes. 
You are such a love. Our giggle fests bring me so much joy.

you finally braved a real carousel horse instead of just sitting with me on the little bench. Such a big girl!
Nightly ritual: bath, jammies, make a mess of room to avoid bed

Bouncing around the trampoline park!
Date night for mom and dad at ATT park and a special treat to sit in the company suite! 

Open Gym play with our buds
You adore three year old, L and she loves laughing with you.
Eloise at 20 months
Weight: 26lbs
Height:   ?
Diaper size-  Size 5
Clothing Size: 2t and 3t tops, squeezing 2t sleepers and pants

 Your speech is blossoming and I love hearing your little voice. It's still hard to understand a lot of what you say, but you continue to speak with such conviction, I'm sure you know exactly what you are trying to get across. You now say "all done" and "all gone",  and recognize the letter Y (thank you Seasame Street). You also recognize circle as a shape and try to say it as best you can. I love that you point out Ys and circles absolutely every where we go. Nana has a cuckoo clock and a grandfather clock so you also love to say clock and cuckoo. 

You love kids and girls a little older than you seem to be particularly drawn to you. I think it's because you are ok being the little one. The daycare confirms you love to mimick the older kids and love when they engage you in their activities. 

Eating-  your new daycare provides food and they say you eat great. At home you have become more picky and are making more requests and rejections. I try my best to give you a variety. You still absolutely love cheese and greek yogurt. 

Sleep: You spent the first couple weeks of the month fighting nap time, and waking up wide awake in the middle of the night.  but by the end we were back to our two hour nap and mostly 10-11 hour night sleep. 

Favorite Toys: Anything that can be a pretend phone. You love to pretend to dial, say hi and bye and walk around as if you are talking to someone. It's adorable.