Tuesday, March 13, 2012
As soon as I met my Dr. for my first appointment, she asked if I had been chomping at the bit to come in to see her. I confessed that I was not, that I had been avoiding making the appointment. I was so scared that anything could be wrong, that I just wanted to savor the first couple weeks of being pregnant, knowing there was really nothing we could do if something were to go wrong this early.
Last time, I'd been spotting and was so, so worried. On this day, I felt calm--I felt nothing abnormal . I felt prepared for what I was going to hopefully see at 6weeks 2 days. As the image appeared on the screen I took a deep breath as I instantly saw a little teeny sac and a flickering heartbeat. I looked to the left and saw what I thought was a gap in my uterus that was similar in shape. The Dr. quickly zoomed in on the heartbeat I had seen first and started measuring. We listened to the heartbeat and she proudly stated that baby's measurments were right on, and heartbeat was perfect. She let me stare, but I just couldn't savor it.
"Why did I see two?" I asked.
"You saw that?" She exclaimed. "I wanted to go back and make sure before I said anything but I saw two sacs as well."
She zoomed out, and it was still there. The little baby bud looked smaller but as we looked closer, there it was, the flickering heartbeat. My hand covered my face, and no lie my entire life flashed before my eyes.
She measured as I struggled to breathe. This baby (Fetus B) was measuring 2 days smaller and the heartbeat was slower, but she said it was still right on track for gestational age.
I smiled but I wanted to crawl in a hole. This can't be happening. I have an incompetent cervix. I'm already in a fight to hold one baby inside me. And now there are two? Two? Why and how?
She left the room and I got dressed. I texted my mom. The information was just too explosive to hold in. She couldn't believe it. Her initial reaction was much different than mine. She said this was a blessing and this was a makeup for my loss of Bremy. I liked that thought, but I was just so shocked and felt as though this was the worst news for someone with an incompetent cervix.
I waited until I left the office to call B. I knew he was really busy with work, but he answered on the first ring. As soon as he heard my voice he asked what was wrong. I laughed and told him we were having twins. The only thing he could say, over and over was, "WHAT?". He said nothing else and we had to hang up as he was in the middle of work. I then started texting all of my friends who were so overjoyed for us. I started to see things in a different light: this could be the ultimate blessing. Two babies in one pregnancy. If it worked it would be perfect. I couldn't even fathom life if it did not work.
I wrote the above the week we found out about our twins. At 9 weeks I went in for a routine ulstrasound just to check on everything. As soon as the image of my twins was on the screen I let out a cry. "there's no heartbeat" I said and covered my face with my hands. She spent the next two minutes manipulating the ultrasound wand, trying to make sure. But I was sure. I had seen the flicker instantly at 6 weeks. And there was my 9 week baby, blank. My whole body shook. All I could say was, "no" in the most pathetic cry. It felt like an incredible nightmare. I did not hear another word she said. She had to repeat three times that "fetus B" was fine and measuring perfect. For some reason, even that information did not help. She brought my Dr in. The one who had been there the morning Bremy started coming. She didn't know it was me in the room and as soon as she saw me her eyes told it all. "Oh no, Amy...let me double check" It took her just a moment to confirm. Baby A was no longer with us. She measured and determined it must have just happened in the past few days as the fetus was still measuring at 9 weeks. She tried to tell me it was common, she tried to tell me that fetus B was ok and that was a great sign, but I could not get dressed fast enough. My mind and my heart instantly went to that very dark, very alone place. The place I sat for so long after losing Bremy.
I had no idea how to tell B. He had not come with me. He happened to call me as I got in the car and I could not get it together. He tried so hard to stay strong and talk me down so that I could drive. That night was rough but I woke up the next morning almost feeling relived. I feel so guilty for feeling that way, but I did. I had doubted so much whether I could carry twins. I had my heart set on the two babies and was so hopeful it would work--but I had no idea how. This loss could not even compare to the feelings we felt after losing Bremy, but it was still so, so hard and very hard to tell everyone around us.
Today I am 11 weeks pregnant with one baby. The loss of our twin has made these first few weeks of pregnancy so much more stressful and so much more emotional. I was hoping to enjoy the first 14 weeks or so, knowing I would be worried sick around 20 weeks where my cervix had started changing with Bremy. Your positive thoughts and comments mean so much and I'm thankful to have this outlet to share.