Thursday, June 28, 2012

Dear Baby,

Hi baby girl! It's been a while since I've wrote to you, but of course I talk to you every day all day long. With each day I grow more hopeful that you will thrive and be a healthy, happy baby. I'm more attached to you than ever and love you more and more as the weeks go by.

Yesterday, we had a good appointment. Things appear to be holding steady for now, which was really good to hear. The tech took your growth measurements and everything looked good! Most of your measurements were coming in at around 28 weeks, but they assured us it was ok as daddy and I are on the taller/bigger side. Your legs were especially long, you get those from your daddy. They estimated that you are about 2lbs 3ounces. I'm glad you are big and strong but I hope you don't get TOO big :) although with everything we've gone through, that would be a good problem to have, in my eyes.

You have gotten so much more active in the last month. Kicking me SO hard. Lots of jarring, shaking movements too. You were head down yesterday and gave a big yawn for us on the screen. I know I'm so incredibly lucky to be able to see you every single week. It's such a treat. We have quite the photo collection of you now.

We officially broke ground on your nursery today! I've known how I wanted your nursery to look since I was pregnant with your sister and it was really exciting to get started. The paint was a little bit of an ordeal. Your grandma offered to do the job for us as I'm out of commission and daddy is not too excited about changing the room from the tan color it is now. So I chose a light aqua color and grandma got to work. She called me in the room to have me look at the swatches on the wall and it was a big surprise. Not aqua. But an ice blue. Barely even blue. Oh no, not the look we were going for. So after a lot of hemming and hawing grandma trucked it to the hardware store and had them darken the paint up a bit. The result was a really pretty aqua with a little more pigment. It's really pretty but a little bright. Grandma got about half way done with the room, so there's no going back. I think once all of your white furniture is in there, it will look a little less electric!

Your crib is here just waiting to be assembled by daddy. I have a glider picked out (we've yet to pull the trigger on it) and grandma purchased a dresser that is being refinished and painted white!

One thing about me, once I have a vision for something, no one can talk me out of it. I've wanted this nursery for so long and I know exactly what I want it to look and feel like. The crib bedding is proving to be a difficult task, as the vision I have in my head is not as easy to create as I was thinking it'd be. Hopefully we can come up with something that closely resembles the picture in my head. I was the same way with our wedding and with the house we just remodeled and I know I can get creative to achieve the look I want. Yes, your mom is a little neurotic sometimes! You'll get used to it.

You seem to be enjoying my "almost" bed rest. I've had time off this week so we've been lounging. Listening to music, obsessing about crib fabrics and searching for deals on baby gear. It's kinda fun, but I'm sure we'll get bored here soon.

As we progress in the pregnancy, we've been using your name more and more. I was starting to question your name a few weeks ago, wondering if it was really the right name, but now as I say it more, it most definitely is. The sound of it is just so pretty. Your nickname is pretty popular though, I've been hearing it everywhere it seems!

We love you little girl and are doing everything we can to make sure you are safe and sound!


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

26 Week Appointment

Today was my appointment. And I think it's safe to say, it was a good one. Three measurements were taken of my cervix. We got: 2.6 2.5 and 2.73. So, slightly better than last week. The funneling was also down a lot.  They said it was hardly noticeable. I was hoping things had not gotten worse, so I'm really thrilled with how things looked.

I hadn't seen this Dr. in a while. He put in my cerclage around 14 weeks and I think I'd only seen him twice since then. He seemed a little rushed, but he answered all of my questions. Last week, Dr. M told me to do as little as possible but it was ok to work a few days a week, which is what I've been doing. Today, Dr. G agreed it was ok to stick to that plan. . Working has really helped me keep my sanity as it completely takes my mind off of everything and is just enough activity to keep me on somewhat of a schedule and not just loafing around, feeling sorry for myself. 

Dr. G tried to joke around with me, but I was so distracted that I didn't get his jokes at all. Luckily B was able to join me, and helped to clue me in. I was so focused on the task at hand and kept running through my list of questions in my head, I had no time for lightheartedness. It made me realize I should probably lighten up. Dr. G did say he thought I should make an appointment in three weeks. That, I cannot do. I told him I realize I might be crazy, but I really need these weekly appointments. He said ok and scheduled me out. 

I wasn't as anxious in anticipation of this appointment as I would have thought. I don't know if I'm starting to realize that worrying isn't going to do anything, or if I'm accepting that I'm doing everything I can do to keep this baby safe and I'm essentially powerless over things going downhill. I did, however pack a bag in case I was put in the hospital. I didn't think I'd need it, but was just trying to be prepared and didn't want to be scrambling if things took a drastic turn.

Our friends and family have really rallied in support of us and our baby girl. We have people bringing us dinners almost everyday and lots of visitors offering to help me with little things around the house. I have a large chain of people that text me right after my appointments, hoping all is well. It's a nice feeling, knowing everyone is really rooting for us. My shower invites went out this week and things are starting to come together in the nursery. Hopefully paint will be complete soon (thanks to B's mom). I'm just trying to focus on the fun stuff and take it as easy as I can.

Monday, June 25, 2012

25 Weeks!

How Far Along: Week 25 is complete!

Size of Baby as Relative to Common Household Fruit or Vegetable: Baby is the size big ol' rutabaga 

Weight Gain:  brace yourself---19lbs. I'm so embarrassed. The past two weeks it's been really noticeable. Everything is tight. I'm disappointed in how I've been eating especially with my gestational diabetes. My sugars have been decent, which is not an excuse, but I know it's how I've been rationalizing my nightly sweet treats. 

Gender: BABY GIRL!!!!!

Movement: Lots and lots of movement. Some hard kicks and some little ones. She's most active when I first wake up and lay in bed a minute. Then right before dinner and right after. But she's starting to make her presence known all day. 
Sleep: Sleeping well. I'm accustomed to the frequent bathroom breaks. It's getting more and more difficult to get in and out of bed. But I've got my arsenal of pillows to get comfy once I'm there. 
What I miss: Nothing noticeable this week. 
Cravings: Nothing in particular

Symptoms: Started feeling contractions at 25w3d. No pain, but some tightening in the middle of my tummy. It freaked me out so I stayed up all night waiting to see if I'd feel it again. I didn't. I told me doc and she didn't like it so she told me to call if it happened again. Friday night they started coming pretty often. I had three in about an hour. So I called. Came in. Not fun. I'm also feeling huge, even though my bump doesn't look too much bigger. 
Best moment of the week: Receiving my diaper bag and crib in the mail. It was an early birthday gift from my parents and I love both of them. We haven't set up the crib yet, still have to pain!
Worst moment of the week: my dr. appt this week where I found out I was funneling and cervix was measuring between 2-3cm. Down from 4cm the week before. Then of course, the trip to labor and delivery. I swear, just when I was feeling relaxed-I get a wake up call that this pregnancy is going to keep me on my toes. 
Dr. appointment is Wednesday at 4. I am counting down the minutes!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

25 Week Appointment and a visit to L&D

When someone tells me not to panic, I often wonder why. It's pretty much an open invitation for my brain to run a muck with worry and anxiety.

Yesterday, my perinate, Dr. M told me not to panic as she traced my cervix and the number on the screen showed 2.6 then 2.3 and then 3.0. She told me my cervix was shortening and there was some visible funneling on the ultrasound.

My heart just stopped. My face was getting heated. It wasn't the news I'd been anticipating.

She told me that there was some good news. One being that the funneling was minimal and was not yet coming in contact with my cerclage. Also, there was  plenty of fluid around the baby and the stitch looked good with plenty of cervix behind it.

I hung on every word.

She told me she wanted me to take progesterone suppositories from here on out just to ward off any early labor. I told her I'd been feeling what I thought were contractions on Wednesday. I told her I felt one maybe two but then I fell asleep. She told me to call if I felt anymore.

I went home. I was emotional as I shared the news with B and my family. It just felt like the bad news was coming too soon. I had been feeling so confident and hopeful about this pregnancy and now my fears were coming to surface.

B had me lay down the entire night except to eat. I visited with his cousin for a while and laid in the guest room with some magazines. Then I felt the tightening again. No pain, but a definite bulge right in the middle of my tummy. Then again about 20 mintues later. After the third about 30 minutes later, I called and they told me to go to labor and delivery just to be sure.

I did not want to go but I knew if I didn't and something happened I'd never forgive myself. The whole way there I thought, what if she's coming? What if this is it? What if she doesn't make it? What if I lose another baby? What if she's in horrible shape. The worry. The panic. It's a bitch.

I was put in the recovery room, the same room where I'd recovered from my cerclage. The triage room was full. Luckily I had a great nurse and she strapped me up right away. Her monitor showed 5 mini contractions in 45 minutes. I had felt two of them. She called the perinate, Dr. V and he told her to do a fetal fibronectin. A swab of my cervix to see if I was in pre term labor. I'd heard of this test before and had read that a positive didn't mean much but that a negative was a 99% chance that you would not go into labor within the next 10-14 days.

We waited for the results, they were negative. Thank goodness because a positive would have sent me into a flurry of worry, even though it wouldn't have meant much. They told me I could go home and to come back if I was in any pain or felt anything more intense.

I was pretty perturbed that they didn't do another cervical ultrasound. I wanted to see if things were going downhill down there, but the nurse told me the Dr. did not order one. So I went home and tried to sleep.

Today, it's complete bed rest and trying to relax. I've been reading stories on babycenter of plenty of moms in my position, or worse who have made it really far. Some even to term. I'd just like to see September. It's just so early, and it feels so far.

It's funny, you tell me not to panic,I do. You tell me to relax, I can't.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


I'm finally letting myself feel excitement and giddiness for this baby. That means I'm finally buying some stuff.

Her room is about to get painted. I still like a lot of the ideas I had for Bremy's room, but with a little twist. More on that later....

Right now the nursery is full of hand me down clothes, toys and other accessories we've picked up here and there. I love second hand stuff, as it all feels brand new to me and cost us next to nothing. 

But, my favorite purchase so far is the car seat. We also picked up some extra bases for the seat for half the regular cost on Craigslist. Score!  After handling several brands of infant seats at a giant baby store last year, and now reading too many reviews to count, we decided on the Chicco Keyfit 30. I loved the rating, the cost and the weight of the seat. It didn't hurt that I fell in love with the red (fuego) color.

I never, ever would have guessed that buying a car seat would bring me this much joy. Each day I carry this little girl, I get more confident that we will actually have a baby to put in that seat later this year.

Can't wait to stroll around in this hot ride!

Stroller: Maclaren Easy Traveller (craigslist find) Carseat: Chicco Keyfit 30 in Fuego

Monday, June 18, 2012

24 Weeks

How Far Along: Week 24 is complete!

Size of Baby as Relative to Common Household Fruit or Vegetable: Baby is the size of a ear of corn. 

Weight Gain:  14lbs so far
Gender: BABY GIRL!!!!!

Movement: Very strong kicks this week, stronger than I ever felt with my first pregnancy. They don't hurt, but I can finally feel them from the outside. Hopefully B will feel one soon. I laugh every time she really jabs me. Love it. 
Sleep: Getting lots of sleep. Totally used to the many bathroom breaks at night by now. 
What I miss: I'm getting used to my limitations and abiding by Dr's orders.
Cravings: Nothing too noticeable this week. 

Symptoms: My feet/heels are sporadically in pain, but nothing unmanageable. I'm starting to feel like I waddle a little when I walk. 
Best moment of the week: The lack of stress and anxiety this week was really noticeable. We purchased a car seat and also got the paint for the nursery (it was free thanks to coupons from Ace hardware!). And a pedicure with my husband was very romantic and relaxing. 
Worst moment of the week: It was 108 degrees this weekend. I don't do that kind of heat unless I'm in vegas or palm springs!
Hoping all continues to go well with my appointment this week!

Friday, June 15, 2012

24 Week Appointment

Another great check in with the perinate. Cervix is looking great, on Wednesday it measured a little over 4cm. Not sure if it's actually longer or if Dr. M measures a little differently than Dr. V. Dr. M is very sympathetic to my paranoia and saw no reason I can't keep coming in weekly, so she scheduled me out for the next month. Makes me feel better.

My new goal is to make it to my baby shower on July 21st. It was so hard to pick a date for that, as I have no idea what this pregnancy has in store. But, my friend who lives around the corner is hosting and in full planning mode which is so exciting.  I'll be just shy of 30 weeks on the day and would love to still be feeling great and not on bed rest. So hopefully that will be victory #4!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Diaper Bags

Yep-very pressing topic today! BUT I am having a hard time deciding. I have a feeling I'll have more than one, but which one to start with.

I'd love your feedback.

Right now my top pick is this Skip Hop Versa bag. I like the look of it and also think it's really practical.

I'm also thinking about getting a lands end tote with her (top secret) name embroidered on it. I feel like it will be good for going to Grandma's house or for weekend trips. 

I'm not really worried about it fitting B's style as he'll likely only have it to and from the car.

Also, I am not a fan of the Petunia Picklebottom bags. I don't get what all the fuss is about. I'm just not a big print person. So those are a definite no.

 I originally liked the Mia Bossi bags I'd seen, but didn't realize how pricey they were. If I'm going to spend that much, I'll get a bag for myself and convert it to a diaper bag, thank you very much! I'm a big bag fan, so I actually have quite a few purses that would probably work, but I think it's essential to have something designated for the baby (and easy to clean).

Let me know what you like or don't like. Would love to hear!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Victory #3

Today, I am 24 weeks pregnant, which means I have surpassed the point where we lost our first baby. It also means that our baby is now considered "viable". It feels really great to have gotten to this point and not be in the hospital, or even on bed rest. I'm very grateful.

Here's a look at week 23:

How Far Along: Week 23 is done!

Size of Baby as Relative to Common Household Fruit or Vegetable: Baby is the size of a large mango. As I mentioned earlier, it's pretty crazy to know what a 23 weeker looks like. So little, yet so whole. I can't believe our girl is that developed already. 
Weight Gain: I only get weighed once per month. I really hope I can hold steady at 14lbs gained
Gender: BABY GIRL!!!!!

Movement: I feel her most in the morning time and then after dinner. She always kicks me a couple time before bed. 
SleepI've been sleeping well. Still up at least twice per night to the bathroom 
What I miss: It's been hard to avoid shopping, errands and the like. But I'm doing it!
Cravings: There's not a sandwich I would turn down and I really crave soda, but try to limit it to a few sips from B's drink.

Symptoms: Not feeling any more pain in my side which is great. This week I felt some stretching in my skin near my belly button and pin prick feelings in that area and in my breasts. I went to bed Thursday with my feet aching. I woke up Friday and was in just as much pain. My heels were just throbbing and I could barely put any weight on them. Apparently this is common as your weight shifts, but I definitely didn't see it coming. It seems to have gotten better. 
Best moment of the week: Waking up on Sunday and knowing I'd made it past 23w5d. This baby is still way too little to be born, but I am very grateful to have gotten this far. We've officially reached "viability" 
Worst moment of the week: My anxiety has gotten slightly better and I'm learning how to deal. 
Dr. appt this Wednesday!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Victory #2! 23 Week Appointment


I had a quick check today and my cervix is measuring almost exactly the same as last week-a very good thing. I'd had some new symptoms on the weekend and had talked to my regular OB about it. The perinate said he wanted me to make sure I didn't have a bladder infection, so I have to go turn in a sample for that. On Sunday I felt a pressure, and felt like I had to pee and then couldn't. I drank a lot of cranberry juice and it subsided, but he wants to be sure.

Baby's heart rate was about 142. She definitely looks bigger every week. This was a pretty rushed appointment, so we didn't hear the estimated weight or much else. I go in again next Wednesday, and if everything still looks good they will start seeing me every two weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I've loved being reassured each week!

Next goal is to wake up on Sunday and still be pregnant.  I'll be 23 weeks and 6 days.Then I will officially past the gestational age where we lost Bremy. Cannot wait!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Good Things

I had my first therapy session today. I liked it. It gave me some hope that I can get in control of my thoughts and emotions. I'm not sure how much I'll write about it here, but right now I'm working on more positive thoughts and more control.

Yesterday I ordered my groceries online. They were then delivered to my home and placed nicely on my kitchen counter so I didn't have to shop, load, unload and lift things onto the counter. It was amazing. I think I might do it forever!

I also scheduled a housekeeper to come tomorrow. It's actually someone we know who has her own business. We moved at the beginning of the year and I'd gone without in an effort to save money, but I know myself and I don't want to jeopardize this baby because I can't stand a dirty floor. B has been really helpful, but it's hard to keep up, so we decided it was time. I'm looking forward to it!

The Dr. called to tell me my culture came back negative for the BV infection I thought I had. That's a good thing in that I do not have an infection and also don't have to choose whether or not to treat it. But I'm curious as to why I'm having some symptoms. But, I'll talk to him about it tomorrow.

I've been feeling good. No pressure or pains lately. I felt some slight cramps today while driving, but they haven't returned so I'm hoping it meant nothing.

Really hoping I have good news to report tomorrow!

Monday, June 4, 2012

To My Knees

Lord, please don't take this baby away from me. Please don't let me feel those feelings again. I'm so scared and feel so incredibly weak and powerless. I'm still coming to grips with the idea that Bremy is gone. I still tear up and feel my stomach tighten every single time I think of her and think of the day she was born.

 I'm not strong enough to endure it again and I don't even know what I would do. I've come this far I just want to keep going. I want to be pregnant and see the third trimester. I want to know what a real birth feels like. I want to have the moments of being largely pregnant. I want to feel the feeling of being 'ready' to no longer be pregnant.

I don't want to ask for too much, but I feel so desperate for all of this. I'm tired of the worry and I'm tired of the what-ifs. I wish I had a stronger faith and a better sense of peace that this will all work out the way it should.

I can't help but feel alone, even though I have a lot of people who care so much about us. I can't help but feel like less of a woman because my body was not cooperative to giving life. I just want this baby so that I can let go of those feelings and try to move on.

I'm so grateful to have gotten pregnant again so easily. I'm so relieved that the loss of our twin baby did not jeopardize the baby I'm still carrying and I'm thankful to be at home today, at 23 weeks, instead of in the hospital.

I knew these weeks would be tough. I knew I'd feel this way around this time, but it doesn't make it any easier.

 I see a therapist for the first time in my life tomorrow and I hope it doesn't make me feel even worse. I'm not sure what to expect but I know that I've got to get a grip. I've got to get stronger.

22 Weeks!

How Far Along: Week 22 is done!

Size of Baby as Relative to Common Household Fruit or Vegetable: Baby is the length of a spaghetti squash, about 11 inches. My ultrasound estimated baby is a little over 1lb
Weight Gain: I only get weight once per month. I really hope I can hold steady at 14lbs gained
Gender: BABY GIRL!!!!!

Movement: Lots of movement this week, especially when I lay down.  Lots of Kicks and turns. I can usually tell where her little head is. <----is this normal? I felt this last time with Bremy, and now I'm wondering if it's her head I'm feeling or some type of contraction??
Sleep: I've been sleeping well. Still up at least twice per night to the bathroom 
What I miss: Baths! I'm a big bath taker and it's on the "don't do" list for cerclage patients. It's all I want to do these days! Dr. has now forbidden errands, shopping, etc. I'm definitely going to miss my independence there. 
Cravings: Summer fruits, candy, bacon and avocado. The bacon is weird, I never eat it and I'm not really supposed to have it while pregnant. 

Symptoms: Pain in my lower right side, some soreness in my hips and belly region. 
Best moment of the week: Officially making it through this week with no real problems. Celebrating my first victory over last pregnancy. 
Worst moment of the week: The anxiety is really horrible.
It's another count down to my Dr. visit on Wednesday!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Victory #1! 22 week appointment

Good news to report. Oh my goodness, I was so anxious. I finished up work earlier than I thought I would and had two hours til my appointment. I grabbed a sandwich, and decided to just walk in and see if by chance they could see me an hour early. And they did!

I saw a male Dr. who I've never seen before and I really liked him. He seemed incredibly smart and very invested in my situation. I'm going to recount the appointment in detail for my own memory, but here's the gist:

Baby looks great. Heart rate was about 144bmp. Cervix is closed and still about 3.75 cm long. That is at least a half centimeter shorter than last time. That concerned me, but he assured me multiple times that it was normal, ok, and nothing to worry about. Everything looked great to him.

Then we talked about some stuff...

I told him that I was continuing to have a large amount of clear discharge and I was pretty sure it was bacterical vaginosis (BV) again  he said it's a common issue with cerclage patients. I told him they treated me for it at 16 weeks, it went away, and not it's back in full force.

He explained to me that there was once a theory that BV can cause cervical issues and can cause the cervix to open, or cause preterm labor. He said there was then a very large study conducted with BV patients and that the results show that the original theory was untrue. He then went on to say that there was even a result that indicated that treatment of BV may even cause preterm labor.

This just left my head spinning. He then asked what I'd like to do. I didn't know what to say. I hate making these decisions. My gut was telling me to get the meds. So he gave me the prescription but also told me it was my choice whether I take it. Great!

I also mentioned to him that I've been having  pain in my lower right side. Between my hip bone and my pelvic bone. I had this pain last time, too, but it started around 17 weeks and was accompanied by pressure. This time, the pain had shown up three times, starting last Sunday. We'd shopped at Sam's club and by the time we got in line, I had to go sit down. Once I sat, the pain was gone. It happened again on Monday when we walked into a couple shops after a lunch. And then again on Wednesday when I ran an errand. The Dr. laughed and said I was forbidden from shopping anymore. He seemed only slightly concerned with the pain issue, but said it was a good reminder to avoid being on my feet unnecessarily.

I asked him a ton of questions. I've learned that each doctor has their own view on things and I wanted to get his perspective. He went over everything with me and was really great at describing things.

He asked me to give him my story from start to finish, as this was our first meeting. So I did. Thanks to this blog, I have a really good memory of what happened and when.

He thought about it for a moment and then wrote me a script for a med I took it last time once on bed rest. I was told it was to prevent uterine contractions and they gave it to me just in case. He said to get it filled and take it and see if it relieves the pain in my side. If it does, then there will be a concern that I have uterine irritability that may have been a trigger in what happened last time. He basically said he didn't think that was the case, but that taking the med would not hurt me and may reveal more information about my condition. I appreciate the proactive approach.

I'm not sure how I"ll be able to tell if it works. The pain is not constant, and he doesn't want me to try to recreate the pain by going shopping, etc. But he said if I feel it, pop a pill and see what happens, so we'll see.

I could tell that he felt for me and he sensed my nervousness. He encouraged me to really take it easy for the next several weeks. He said, he knew he didn't have to remind me as I've lived through the worst outcome possible, but that the next several weeks are literally the difference between life and death. He didn't have to remind me, but it was nice to know he realizes that too and is concerned.

So, overall great news. And my first victory over last time. On this day in my last pregnancy I was 1cm dilated and on bed rest. So we are officially better off this time. Thankfully my next appointment is next Wednesday!