Monday, June 4, 2012

To My Knees

Lord, please don't take this baby away from me. Please don't let me feel those feelings again. I'm so scared and feel so incredibly weak and powerless. I'm still coming to grips with the idea that Bremy is gone. I still tear up and feel my stomach tighten every single time I think of her and think of the day she was born.

 I'm not strong enough to endure it again and I don't even know what I would do. I've come this far I just want to keep going. I want to be pregnant and see the third trimester. I want to know what a real birth feels like. I want to have the moments of being largely pregnant. I want to feel the feeling of being 'ready' to no longer be pregnant.

I don't want to ask for too much, but I feel so desperate for all of this. I'm tired of the worry and I'm tired of the what-ifs. I wish I had a stronger faith and a better sense of peace that this will all work out the way it should.

I can't help but feel alone, even though I have a lot of people who care so much about us. I can't help but feel like less of a woman because my body was not cooperative to giving life. I just want this baby so that I can let go of those feelings and try to move on.

I'm so grateful to have gotten pregnant again so easily. I'm so relieved that the loss of our twin baby did not jeopardize the baby I'm still carrying and I'm thankful to be at home today, at 23 weeks, instead of in the hospital.

I knew these weeks would be tough. I knew I'd feel this way around this time, but it doesn't make it any easier.

 I see a therapist for the first time in my life tomorrow and I hope it doesn't make me feel even worse. I'm not sure what to expect but I know that I've got to get a grip. I've got to get stronger.

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