Choices

From the moment I was told I have an incompetent cervix and would deliver early, I was casually reminded that I will have to make "some choices". I didn't like this idea and kept brushing it off. The nurse from the NICU has come to our room to give us some information about how their nursery works, but she reminded us we would need to visit with a neonatologist to go over "our choices". I did not ask her to elaborate.

Since the beginning, I have prayed that if our girl is not meant to be, please take her now. If she is meant to be, please get her to a week where she will definitely make it. I am ok with the challenges she will have, but please don't put her in a position where we have to make choices.

The Neonatologist came to our room yesterday. She was chubby, so I instantly liked her (I don't know why but I just like people with a little meat on their bones. It's like she's actually human). She said she was just coming in to answer our questions, and wouldn't be throwing statistics and empty numbers at us. I liked that. I gulped and finally asked her what everyone meant when they told us they wanted us to make choices.

She explained that since we are here on bed rest, I have the "luxury" or curse of having time to learn and gain information about preemies and about a NICU stay. She also said that our decisions are fluid and most of our decisions cannot be made before we meet me daughter. I was so relieved to hear her say that. i just envisioned me signing on a dotted line, and her coming out thriving and the dr.'s not doing anything because we had signed her life away. She smiled and said that would never happen.

Right now our choice is to give our daughter every chance to live that we can. If we find out after that she will have major issues that will cause her to suffer, we will reevaluate, but for now, I have a feeling no matter when she comes out, she will surprise everyone with how strong she is.

Here is to at least 30 weeks!!

Right now everyone is rooting for us to make it to the 'viable' age of 24 weeks. But I'm still rooting for 30. I want to get out of these scary 20s. I just have to.