Our Worst Nightmare Come True

***The warm air slammed my face. The sunlight pierced my eyes. It shouldn't be summer, I thought. It shouldn't be warm when I leave the labor and delivery floor of this hospital. It should be the chill of winter that hits my face. The icy wind that pierces my eyes. I should have a warm bundle of child wrapped in my arms. Not a bare lap. Not tears in my eyes. I wasn't supposed to deliver my daughter in the summertime. I wasn't supposed to leave the hospital without my daughter.***

Today. I lost my first born child. Today I lost a piece of myself. Today I lost my pride. And my joy. Today it felt as though I lost everything.

At 1am this morning my new nurse entered my room to give me a pill. She was about an hour late. The pill was meant to stop contractions. Contractions I wasn't feeling, the contractions that were very sporadic. Only a couple an hour. I was annoyed she was so late. I was trying to get on a schedule. I held my arm out begrudgingly as she took my blood pressure. I swallowed my pill and turned my TV on so I could find a way to get back to sleep.

I watched an episode of Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta. It made me remember what it was like when my weeks revolved around wedding planning. How fun it was. How insignificant it felt now. Now that I was fighting to keep a baby inside me.

The show ended at 2am and I was still awake. Just as I reached for my remote to turn the TV off and head to sleep, I felt something. Something I've felt before. A period cramp. It was in my lower right tummy. I put my hand down and felt the tightening. The feeling everyone told me I'd feel, eventually, but had not felt yet. I swallowed. It's ok, I reminded myself. It wont keep up. Fifteen minutes later, another in the same spot. I called my nurse.

She seemed unconcerned and wrapped my belly in a belt and put me on a monitor. She came back and gave me more medicine and told me it looked like I was having uterine irritability and the meds would make it go away.

It didn't.

More meds.

More cramps.

At 5am I told her I wanted a Dr. She told me the Dr. was in a c-section. I was so upset. "Find someone else!" I screamed. I knew this was not good.

At 5:45 am she told me the Dr. was on her way. I called B and asked him to come.

The nurse came back at 6 and asked if maybe I needed to use the bathroom. In my head I knew that being constipated would not cause these pains, but I rolled out of my bed for the first time in 36 hours and sat on the bed side commode. I couldn't go. But something did not feel right.

I took at look at my toilet paper. It was red. I could not help but panic and fall back on my bed. "This is not happening" I repeated to myself, my hand covering my eyes. I looked down into the makeshift toilet and saw a pool of blood.

The nurses rushed in. Moved everything in my room. Moved my bed. No one said a word. They just worked. And rushed.

I felt more cramps. I groaned. "what is taking the Dr. so long". They told me she was wrapping up a c-section. I cried and I shook and I groaned.

Finally she arrived. She tried to be positive. Said she wanted to look. She looked. She felt. "This is the worse case scenario, Amy. " She said, " You are fully dilated and your bag is out." I didn't even react. I already knew.

I called my mom. I called my best friend. I called my amazing OB friend, K. In my heart I knew it was over.

B came. The Dr. came. It was about 7am. They went over my options.