When Nothing Else Matters

So, I took the advice of my friend K who is an OB at UCLA and went to UC Davis med center for a second opinion. I was so shocked at the news at my appointment that I hadn't asked a lot of detailed questions about what else was going on with my cervix and the baby. Was I in labor? Was I leaking amniotic fluid? Was there anything the Drs could do? I could not get ahold of my OB or my Perinatologist so at 8pm we went to the hospital.

I was met with a little attitude, asking why I was not at my normal hospital and why I was even coming in. Luckily I had K's information on hand and said I had some unanswered questions and wasn't going anywhere. It's amazing how being so upset can make you so timid. I didn't even recognize myself. It's like my fear just took over.

Of course it was super busy in labor and delivery so we had to wait a long time to be seen. They did a speculum exam and could easily see my cervix was open. The resident immediately called for the Chief resident which literally made me shake so much I could hardly keep my legs open. Was there a new problem? Turned out, all was the same as the day before, she just wanted to get the chief in to explain things to me. They had planned on taking a sample of my discharge to see what it was exactly, but because my fluid sac was right there, they didn't want to risk infection or rupture I guess.

I had an amazing RN, resident doctor and chief resident who were all really, really sweet and obviously concerned. Their prognosis, advice and recommendations were pretty much right on with what my perinatologist had said the day before. They did say my cervix was nice and long and 50% effaced and that a cerclage was definitely possible, but not without risk.

They told me they weren't sure how far I would go even with bed rest. Even 26 weeks sounded far to them. Even though I knew that, it still stung so much to hear what I'm being faced with.

I asked them to list every option I had. They started with termination which was really hard to hear and ended with my going home. They put me in a private room to think it over with my family (may parents had arrived that afternoon). I cried for about two minutes, my family comforted me and I felt like I wasn't sure what to do. Should I risk the cerclage? Stay in the hospital?

As I wiped away some tears I felt a really strange sensation come over me and I instantly calmed down. I knew I wanted to go home, use the progesterone they had prescribed and continue on my strict bed rest. It was like there were no other options. It was a really strange feeling. I was thankful for it, because moments earlier I seriously had no idea what to do. I was completely calm the rest of the night, which is very out of character for me, especially when my parents are around. I usually just let it all out. But I felt really confident that whatever was meant to happen would happen.

Today has been easier than yesterday. Again, I have a really strong sense that everything happens for a reason. If this baby is not meant to be, that is ok. If this baby is meant to be a little peanut survivor, that is awesome. If this little girl surprises us all and stays put for a couple months, well then, I'll sure be glad I didn't terminate or risk a cerclage. I know there is a reason for all of this.

Of course, those first two options will be difficult and I know I will fall apart now and then. And things are going to get tough. But I've never faced anything I can't handle.

If my little girl is anything like her mama and daddy she is stubborn as a mule and will not go down without a fight.