Sunday, August 25, 2013

10 Months!

Better late than never...

This month was full of big changes. Gone is our infant and here is our almost toddler. I''m in love with your sunny, charismatic personality, but will admit I miss my snuggly little baby.
You still love to be out and about and I can count on you to behave during meals and outings, which is really nice. Auntie A and Uncle M were up north for a wedding and we managed to see them for a Sunday brunch in Oakland. It was quite lovely, and of course you were all smiles.

It was a very hot 4th, so we were happy to attend a pool party at S's parents home across town. You are still not in love with the pool, but you tolertated it for an hour or so. I had run to Target that morning to find a float for you, and couldn't resist a clearance American flag bikini. My little American girl!

A few days later was my 30th birthday. I had always hoped to get away for my 30th, but with me losing my job this month, it just wasn't pracical. It ended up being a really fun weekend and definitely the best birthday I've had in a while. Several dinners with family and friends, a date day with your daddy (including a movie!), nice gifts and a happy baby. I don't think I could have asked for anything more and in the end it was nice to be home to enjoy those around us.

The rest of the month was fairly quiet. I wrapped up work which was no fun. I love my job and am very sad that I can't continue with such an ideal situation for our family. But, I'm very excited to see what life has in store.
Diaper size- moved up to size 3 disposables 4 unsnapped across in cloth.
Clothing Size:  Mostly 9 month clothes now

All tests have come back clear on any hormonal issues regarding her growth. She's growing slowly but surely, but is still so tiny!

Milestones:  Second bottom tooth has appeared, though not fully out quite yet. Crawling faster and faster and now pulling up on all objects. A few cruises along the furniture, but still very unsure of walking. Talking (babbling) all day long, with dada being the most prevalent sound by far. Makes a "hiii" sound when greeted, says bababa and mimics inflections really well. Responds to the word "no" as well as her name. Loves to facetime and recognizes the signature ring whenever we are calling anyone. Loves to see her own reflection and pictures. 

Eating-  Still loves eating but has stopped eating veggies. She sees them and removes them from her plate. We rely on the squeeze pouches of baby food to get vegetables in her and are still trying to offer greens as much as possible. 

Continues to nurse well and can make it about 5 hours between, if needed although usually we feed every three to four hours.

Sleep: After some very hard work, she is back to sleeping like a champ. The past three weeks she is napping 1.5 hours two times a day and falling asleep on her own very consistently. Night time is about 11 hours of straight sleep,although she has now started waking up at 530 after a 7pm bed time. We are working on getting back to 630am!

Favorite Toys: loves to rip up paper and loves to touch and handle anything that is not a toy. While getting ready for my birthday dinner, I desperately offered her a basket of hotel sample toiletries and other semi safe objects and let her  play with them as I did my hair. She was obsessed and it kept her busy for a good half hour!

Going Home

At the end of July, I went home to Southern California for the first time in almost two years. I cannot believe it had been that long. But, with buying and remodeling a house and then a very restricted pregnancy, there was just never time to make the trip down. My parents come up north almost once a month, but thanks to my brother's fiance's bridal shower in her hometown, I finally had a reason and the opportunity to visit!

Originally, it was just going to be E and I, but at the last minute B was able to get the time off. We had a complete blast!

We ate our way through town. There were so many places I've been missing! Most importantly, I introduced E to some real Mexican food. I love living in  Norcal, but the Mexican food up here does NOT compare!

We also enjoyed a lunch on the beach and E got her first "walk" in the sand and her first up close glimpse at the ocean. I was pleasantly surprised that she reacted so enthusiastically. She got really excited as soon as we made our way on to the beach and was just mesmerized by it all. 

 Two very long time friends just had their first babies and I was chomping at the bit to hold those beautiful girls! Baby Q and baby T did not disappoint. It was just a dream to see my childhood friends as mommies.
E mostly seemed oblivious to baby Q, that is until I lifted her up to see and she tried to grab Q's eyeball!

 So fun to see the brand new baby and the brand new Mommy! 
Baby Q at just 11 days old! She is the teeniest little angel baby. I could have held her all day long. I was also so excited to see Auntie K's new house. Absolutely gorgeous! I also could have just stayed there all day!
 The next day we traveled to Auntie A's new house in Los Angeles. It was so fun to see. Baby T is on the right. My naked baby felt right at home and both girls made themselves quite comfortable there. We made a whole day of it and I really enjoyed catching up with my girlfriends. We are hoping Auntie A gives them a cousin soon!

Of course the reason for our trip was to attend Auntie S's bridal shower. She is from such a beautiful little town in the Santa Barbara wine country. It was a gorgeous day and a lovely shower. It was a little warm, and definitely wore E out. She took a good nap while we had a little after-shower wine tasting at the wedding venue!

We reconnected with some old neighbors whose kids used to babysit me and my brother. They now have big kids of their own. E met several of them, and had fun playing with the baby of the family, K. He let her borrow his push car and we laughed until we cried watching E convulse with excitement when we pushed her in this thing. It was just precious. 

E's schedule was nowhere to be found all week and she did great. Slept like a champ and just absolutely loved being out and about. There were several late dinners, long drives and days where she was in and out of the car seat twenty times. This girl loves to socialize and I'm so glad because we had a blast. It was a great, much needed trip!

Friday, August 16, 2013


I'm definitely at a crossroads at this moment in my life.

After five years as an attorney, and six years with the same office, my job no longer exists. After prison reform and government realignment, I have no work. Since the moment I started, there was a sense that this job would not last forever. I knew I had a good, sought after gig and I stuck with it, mostly because it was something that made me happy. I loved the work and the money was great.

Now, I find myself wondering what's next. I thought I had something lined up. I was so hopeful that my next step would be laid out in front of me. That something would fall in my lap, just as my first job had. It really looked like things were going to fall into place. This job was not a traditional attorney position and looked like it would be fun, challenging and flexible. I was in! After a pretty rigorous interview process, and actually missing my last day of work for the final interview, I was informed yesterday that I did not get the position.

I had my doubts, after I didn't hear from them on the day they said they would have a decision made, but the formal rejection still stung and left me feeling like all my eggs were in that basket, and I was suddenly empty handed.

I'm a little panicked.

Unfortunately my private law school student debt, and our other responsibilities make it impossible for me to stay home, or to take some sort of lower paying job (not that I've been offered any). As I apply for position after position, I realize just how great I have had it for the past five years. Some of these jobs just sound horrible, and the thought of working all. day. long. away from home just puts my stomach in knots. At this point, I'm getting desperate and I know I can handle it after an adjustment period, but man have I had it good.

I like to practice thinking positive, and up until yesterdays rejection I was feeling like I could visualize a new life, a better life with this change. So now I'm just trying to maintain visualizing a positive change, even though I don't know exactly what life will look like. I feel a little lost, and this is a very unfamiliar feeling for me. I have had the next step planned in my life....for my entire life.

So right now I'm hoping for something that challenges me, something that allows me to feel like a human with a life. Maybe something from home, or with a less traditional set up. I'm ready universe!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Dear Bremy Belle,

yesterday was your second birthday. I tried to write this post four times, but the right words just wouldn't come...

It's been two years since I've felt you. I miss you more than I could ever describe. But, I'm able to say your name in a conversation without choking now. I'm able to think of you without the tears welling. Time, and more so your baby sister, are patching my broken heart together.

I'll never forget the moment I knew you existed. I'd taken many pregnancy tests in the three months prior, and casually decided to take one before I took a long bath. And there it was. Two very faint lines. I'll never forget that my reaction was to thank God instantly. I just felt so thankful from that very moment.

From that moment on, there was no going back. I was in a different frame of mind. A different, more exciting place. Life was instantly put in fast forward.

For 22 weeks my pregnancy with you was so much fun. I felt really great and felt like I looked good too! You were so incredibly active and I could feel every flutter so early on. I just loved that. When you were stolen from me, it was your kicks I missed the most.

We knew from your activity that you were so spunky. I feel like I can imagine the kind of baby and child you would have been.

I want to keep your memory alive, I want Ellie to know that she had a sister named Bremy. So many have reached out to me, to say they are thinking of us. I appreciate that there are people who understand that this is hard. I don't know why it's so hard for us, but it has been. Our hearts were shattered and while we're functioning and so incredibly happy to have your baby sister, it still feels so fresh.

Daddy and I spent the evening talking about you. He revealed some painful memories of the morning you were born, and said it's hard for him to know that there are some people in our life who look at your loss as a miscarriage and don't acknowledge the gravity of the toll it took. But for every person who brushes it off, there's two more who get it and have been so caring towards our family. We are lucky to have the support we have.

I truly hope we will meet again. I hope you are that spunky personality I imagine that you are.

Bremy you changed our lives in immeasurable ways. You prepared my heart for motherhood and opened my heart.

I love you and miss you.

All my love,