Like a Smack in the Face

We were having a great weekend. I had a girls night out last night and we stayed out way too late. B hung out with his friend (I was out with his wife) and he drove us home after we all had too many drinks. We slept in this morning and headed out to Ikea to look at some kitchen cabinets we have been eyeing. We were having a great time strolling around, coming up with ideas, looking at all of the display rooms. B has only been to Ikea once before, so he was taking it all in with me. As we made our way past the dresser section, I stopped at the hemnes dresser in white and casually mentioned that this would have been Bremy's dresser. I'd always planned on getting it and using it as a changing table for her nursery. I said it in passing, not giving it a ton of thought, but I looked at B's reaction and knew I'd upset him. He stared at the dresser for a long moment before joining the crowded shuffle following the arrows of the showroom floor. I rubbed his shoulder, gave him a sad face and apologized for upsetting him. We turned the corner, and were suddenly in the kids section. We both looked at each other with watery eyes and clasped hands as we briskly strolled by the pink butterfly room, perfect for a little girl. Around the next corner was a very pregnant lady, I dropped my eyes to the floor. Wow. It was hitting us from every angle. My eyes still down, I almost tripped over an abandoned city select double stroller, the sound of a laughing toddler in the background. I took a huge, deep breath. We couldn't get to the lower level fast enough.

We didn't spend much more time in the store. By the time we made it outside to the sunshine, we both were fine. But, it had been a tough moment. Even though we mention her name often, I think when B saw that dresser, he realized all of the plans we had had for her, for her room and for our future. It was a sad moment for him, and the bombardment of reminders that followed were almost laughable. But we weren't laughing. A friend of mine who lost her 20 year old sister a few years ago wrote to me after the loss of Bremy. She said, "it will never get better, just easier to cope with" and that is just exactly how we feel. We will never feel better about losing our first daughter, but recently, it's been getting easier. A month ago, that moment in Ikea would have broke me. I would have had to run out in tears. I know this. We are healing, but we'll always carry this scar. There will be more moments like this. But we know we are strong enough to handle what we're hit with.