I've had some seriously crazy dreams since becoming pregnant. I actually wrote a post about some of them, but decided not to publish as they were so hard to describe. In short, right before I lost our twin baby, I had a dream that I lost my cat ( I don't actually have a cat) and I made everyone I knew search for her. Another one involved "cheating" on B with someone I went to high school with. Probably someone I could not be any less attracted to. Still not sure what that one meant. Possibly a side effect of the "pelvic rest" I was put on?
This past Saturday night, I had a dream that our baby was here. I did not dream of the labor, or the birth. I dreamed that I was alone, all dressed and carrying my bags through the halls of the hospital. I was cleaned up and had already had our baby. I entered a very large room, full of baby beds. It looked like the size of a department store floor. I went up to the nurse, who was standing at a hostess stand, and told her my name and that I was here to see my baby. I hadn't seen her yet.
She said she wasn't sure what bed my baby was in, but that she would let me know. I was frustrated, and decided to spend my time scoping out the beds until I found her. I made my way up and down the rows and then saw a baby who was falling out of her bed. The beds looked like the typical hospital cart type beds, but they had no sides to them. So this particular baby was falling out of the bed, her feet hanging off.
I tried to get the attention of a nearby nurse, but she didn't hear me. So I nudged this baby back into her bed and spent a moment gazing at her. She was a newborn, but looked very old and was wide-eyed. "I think that's my baby!" I said. But no one heard. The cart was only marked with a #17.
I marched back up to the hostess/nurses station and said, "I think that's my baby. In bed 17. Can you tell me if that is her?"
She shook her head and said she couldn't tell me where my baby was yet. I stepped behind her podium and got in her face. "Are you kidding me?" I screamed, "Have you ever had a baby? Why can't I see my baby? Why didn't I ever get to see her?" It was dawning at me at this point that I didn't have any skin to skin and had not even laid eyes on my baby yet. She shook her head, and said she didn't have any kids. And I stood smugly, as if I had proved some type of point.
Just then another nurse ran up. I had made a huge scene. The entire place was quiet. "Your baby is in bed 17" she said, her head down.
I rolled my eyes. Why hadn't I trusted my gut? I knew that was my baby.
I marched towards the bed, then started running and scooped her up in my arms. She snuggled me so close and her eyes were so wide. My heart melted into her. I'd never held a baby so close. The tag on the cart now said my name and it listed her weight at 6lbs 6oz, but she was so much bigger than that. When I scooped her up, it was like I was holding a ten month old, or even a one year old. She was so long, her feet hit my thighs as I held her up. But it didn't seem weird to me. It only seemed strange once I woke up.
I can picture her face so clearly. She looked just like me, but her eyes were the bluest blue and were just so big.
I carried her to a hallway where B, my mom and dad and my Grams were waiting. My mom had brought a moses basket and insisted on putting her in there (we don't have one of those either). I kept refusing. I didn't want to put her down. We were all admiring her and loving on her in the hallway.
Then I woke up. As soon as B woke up I recounted the whole dream to him. Without pause he said, "You were dreaming of Bremy. That was Bremy in your dream. She's a year old now."
That thought hadn't yet crossed my mind, but wow I think he's right. Her face was so mature. It was definitely not a newborn I was holding. It was a one year old. It was my girl. I can still feel the feeling I felt when I held her in that dream and I'm so thankful for that feeling. It was amazing and I can hardly describe it. I cannot wait to hold our brand new baby girl, but this dream just made me realize how much Bremy remains with me.
There are some details that I've been thinking about. Her feet hanging off the bed? Bremy was born breech. And at one point, I could feel her feet hanging out of me. It was a horrible feeling. The number 17? I'm not sure. But at this point, it's my guess for this baby's due date? The 6lbs 6oz? Not sure about that one either. Wouldn't that be crazy if that was this baby's weight? The rest doesn't stand out as having a "meaning". But I wanted to document it here, just in case I think of something. I love analyzing dreams.
I didn't want to forget this dream so forgive me for all of the detail.