We are working on healing. I'm having a hard time. I feel so sad, so cheated, disappointed and traumatized by our experience. The actual delivery and birth were so much more difficult physically and mentally than I could have imagined. And the memories are haunting me right now.
We have both taken off work for now. We just need to digest this and grieve. On Wednesday B said he wanted to drive to see my parents and stay with them. He thought it'd be good for both of us. I didn't want to see anyone at all. I said I didn't want to go. But he pretty much packed the car and said we could just stay for a bit. I still resisted and wasn't too happy to get in the car, but I knew sitting around our house moping around wasn't going to do me any good.
I'm not much of a beach person. My parents live 10mintues from the ocean, and I grew up and went to school on the coast but I'd rather be at a pool or a lake so I can swim and be in a boat on calm waters. But as soon as we reached my hometown, I wanted to get to the beach.
So we went. The two of us and our dog. We walked and we stared and we listened to the waves. We got sandy and gave our pup lots of love. I listened to some music and shed a few tears alone while the boys splashed in the water. It felt cleansing.
I can't say it made me feel good, but it made me feel better.
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