I was finally feeling a little better. We've been going out with your grandparents, trying to keep busy. I have managed to smile and laugh in the last few days. But I still cry myself to sleep each night in your daddy's arms. He has been so incredibly strong and even though we don't say a word as I cry at night, his love is what is getting me through. His fingers on my forehead are what let me finally fall asleep each night.
Today was a hard day. We are home and trying to get the house and our lives back in order without you. The pain is just hurting me so bad. I've never ever felt this way before.
My heart is quite painfully broken. I have no less than one hundred thoughts per second about you, my pregnancy, the birth, your face, all the things I imagined for you, about another pregnancy, another baby, this happening again, miscarrying earlier, or later, not being able to have another baby, your toes, and then all those thoughts seem to explode in my head and that's when I just cry. I cry so hard and it hurts so much. I've never ever heard these cries come from myself. They are cries of real pain in my soul. And I know everyone experiences horrible things, even worse things, but this is a very specific sadness that very few people can understand.
Everyone keeps telling us we now have an angel looking down on us. It should be comforting but it is not. I wish there were a way I could still feel you or sense you. Obviously I miss those physical reminders of your life like your kicking and your bulge and the feeling of your weight in my abdomen. But what I miss more is that emotional connection. You were with me for every single second of my life for five months and I just miss that feeling of you being with me. I wish I could say I still feel you with me or that I sense you looking down on us but I don't. I don't feel it. Maybe eventually we will. Maybe I'm just too enveloped in my own sadness, but I'd love to know somehow that you are around.
There are positives to this experience, and I know I'm a changed person after this. You will have a legacy in this family. And it will be a positive one. I just have to get through this dark time to see that light.