Wednesday, June 8, 2011

You want a baby, Baby?

The decision to attempt to bring a child into the world was not one I ever took lightly. From a very young age, I knew I wanted kids.

At age 20 I had a crazy six months where, even though I was in college without a boyfriend, I wanted a child very badly. It was almost an out of body experience. I would approach strollers at the mall, steal away the babies in my family and hold them for the entire duration of family get togethers. I was nuts. And no one was afraid to tell me that.

At 22 I left for law school and quickly met my future husband. There was no time to oogle over babies in law school. Once things were serious with B, I was having so much fun playing house and getting to know him, I had no idea when a baby would ever be on my mind again.

At 25 I was a law school grad, engaged and entering my chosen career. You couldn't get me to touch a baby with a ten foot pole. B's friends all had little ones, and while I loved and adored them, I was perfectly happy with my role as "Auntie". When people would ask how long we would wait before we started trying, I would, somewhat rudely snap, "I love my life, I don't want to ruin it!" Even though that was probably not the nicest thing to say to people who had babies, it was really and truly how I felt. Staying out, sleeping in, sleeping naked, having my man all to myself whenever I wanted, being able to make extra money at work because I didn't have a soccer game to get to. Life was really, really good.

At 26 I was married, working, watching my life long friends get married, travelling, staying out and sleeping in. Life was really, really good. School was far behind me and I was loving my job. All of my weekends were free, we were constantly visiting friends and cherishing our one on one time together as husband and wife. I was still very unwilling to think about a baby. Please!

I turned 27 the summer after we married. I had a real moment a few months before that where I pictured a life with no children. I really, really thought about that life. And it looked really, really amazing. Financially, time-wise, lifestyle-wise. We'd be able to continue doing whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. This idea became so intense, that I proposed it to B at one point. He never, ever took this seriously. He had wanted children for many years, he had told me this very early in our relationship and basically said he would never have pursued me if I had said I did not want children. I then ran the idea by my mom. Again, she thought I was joking. She remembered when I was 20. She remembered when I was even younger and was always talking about being a mommy. When I tried to get serious with her, she basically wouldn't even entertain the idea.

I moved on and decided I just wasn't ready. If I wanted children there would be a time where I would feel it, and I just wasn't feeling it yet. My mom had mentioned that she understood that we were very happy as a couple and how important it is to have that married time to yourselves. She did not seem too concerned that my childless vision would stick around for too long.

On our first anniversary B asked how I was feeling about the whole baby idea. I told him I really did want a baby. Who was I kidding? My childless thoughts really did scare me, but when I really did think about it, of course I wanted a child! The only thing was, when? Even though I know B sincerely wanted to start "trying" on our honeymoon a year earlier, he had been so sensitive to my need to explore this whole idea and really feel ready. He hadn't seriously brought it up since our honeymoon. It was like he was just patiently waiting for our anniversary. I told him, I still just didn't feel ready. I didn't want to do something this big without being ready. He said he understood, but I knew he was devastated.

That was October. Then came November. And then came December. About a week before Christmas, something hit me. Hard. I wanted a baby. Now. Instantly. Give me a baby. I told B, let's do this thing! I realized then how hard this year had been for him. When you're ready, you're ready and I just can't imagine how hard it would have been on me if the roles were reversed.

I only told a few people. I needed some advice. How long was this going to take? Would I have trouble? I began panicking. Would this take years? I want a baby. Now!

Three and a half months later, we knew we would have one.

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