Dear Baby

Hi baby,

I haven't written directly to you yet. This pregnancy has been a lot different than it was with your sister. Lot's of appointments, lots of worry, lots of decisions and lots of what-ifs. I'm finally to a point where I don't doubt myself every time I talk about your actually being born and surviving.

Sometimes I feel guilty, as though I'm not bonding with you properly because I'm so scarred over the loss of your. And when I lost your twin, I felt even more distant. I promise you I'm working on it. And I know our past experience will only make us more grateful to have you and o parent you.

I somehow feel that your twin was a girl. I'll never know, but that is my intuition. I'm not sure what you are, though. I thought I was either having two girls or one boy and one girl, so that doesn't tell me much. For the first 12 weeks, I thought you had to be a boy, as my symptoms were pretty different than they'd been in my first pregnancy. But now, I am starting to think you are a girl. Last time, I'll tell you, I did have a preference and I was very anxious about finding out whether your sister was a boy or a girl. This time, I'm in no rush to know what you are. But I would like to know, just for daydreaming, decorating and wardrobe purposes, of course.

Your daddy is toying with the idea of us not finding out. I don't think he'll be able to resist. Especially since I very much want to know if you are a boy or a girl. We both know the reason he is hesitant, is because he is trying not to get too attached. It's hard to admit that to you, but it is the truth we are living right now.

Now that I'm feeling you and you are showing in my belly, my attachment to you is growing and growing. I'm bonding with you and your movements and starting to talk to you a little. I find myself rubbing my belly a lot. Something I did last time, too.

I still hold my breath right before every ultrasound. I can't breathe until I see your heartbeat flashing. By now, you usually move instantly and that takes my anxiety away. You are more and more active every time I see you, and at our last check up you were measuring beautifully. Thank you for being a cooperative little baby.

We have a lot of people rooting for you, baby. So many prayers and well wishes have been sent our way and I know your arrival will be very joyous and emotional for us, and for a lot of our friends and family who have walked with us down this very difficult path.

You are due Oct 1st. I'd love to have you then, right around daddy and my 3rd year wedding anniversary. But, I keep thinking you will be born on September 7th, which would be at almost 37 weeks. That would be just fine, but of course each day with you in my belly I'll be more at ease. I just really hope mommy can keep you safe and where you belong up until then.

Keep growing, baby! We love you and are so thankful for you.