Once I compared baby's heartbeat to Bremy's in the last three weeks I was pretty sure we would be hearing baby was a girl. Since B was able to join me at the specialists office, I asked if the sonographer would be willing to look for us. She was more than happy to, and while it took her a while (I think baby's legs were crossed) baby finally moved and let her see. She said she was 95% certain!
I was not shocked, but I think B was. I think he really thought it was a boy and might have had his heart set on it, but he also wasn't really in to finding out this time. I was able to convince him. So he just smiled and stared at her on the screen. We are so torn on baby names, I think we are going to wait to discuss it more seriously.
Now for some truth...
There's something I never, ever wrote about during my last pregnancy with Bremy. On my birthday, my family was in town and I made an appointment at a boutique ultra sound place to find out the gender. I was 17 weeks. I was pretty sure it was a boy and we both really wanted a boy. I had it in my head that I'd have a boy and then a girl. It was the opposite in my family, I was the older girl with a younger brother. I wanted my family to be different so that I wouldn't compare it to how my brother and I were. I also just liked the idea of an older brother. Anyway, I just had it perfectly planned in my head and could not see it any other way. I ALSO thought that I'd be ok with two boys, but would NOT be ok with two girls. So if I had my boy first, I was "safe".
I guess what they say is true, if you want to hear God laugh tell him your plans! Oh my goodness. When we found out it was a girl I was speechless and so was B. My parents tried to insert some enthusiasm, but I wouldn't have it. I cried for twenty minutes. I had no idea why I was crying and my family looked at me like I was nuts, but all I could think was that this was not my vision! The poor ultrasound lady probably thought I had 10 daughters at home by the way I was acting.
I called my grandma, who was still alive at the time and she heard me crying. All of her great grandchildren were girls, and that was another factor. I wanted her to have a great grandson before she passed. She tried not to laugh at me. She tried so hard to be gentle and understanding, but I know she was thinking I'd gone insane.
I was so upset it was embarrassing.
By the time we made it home my family and B were getting pretty pissed at me. I was being unreasonable. The next day we went to a Giants baseball game and I pouted as I saw all the little boys dressed up in their gear. I was having such a hard time getting a grip.
After a few days, I was getting more excited. We bought some adorable outfits and I started imagining the idea of a daughter. I was pretty embarrassed at the way I acted and made everyone vow that they'd never speak of it again. I confided in a few friends and those with kids of their own said they knew how I felt. They'd mostly kept their feelings to themselves, though. I don't know why I couldn't conceal my own feelings, but it was nice to know that others had been "let down" by their gender reveals.
As the next couple weeks went by, I got really used to the idea and was so excited to have a daughter. I started planning the nursery and picturing such a fun life with a little girl. So when Bremy passed I knew that if we got pregnant again I'd be secretly hoping for a little girl.
And I was. Although I absolutely did not feel as crazy this time. There were things I'd be excited about for a boy and things I'd be excited about for a girl. I'd just bonded so closely with the idea of a daughter that the news that this baby was a girl just made me completely giddy. It was like I had a piece of Bremy still. I'm not sure if that's the right way to feel, but it's the truth. I miss my girl so much and this feels so familiar.
B and I both know we are so blessed and are just so happy that things are going well and that we feel like we are in good hands. I have started to understand how people wait to find out, but for me I just wanted to know more about who was growing inside me. I'm so incredibly happy it's hard to describe. I know I would have felt like this either way.
I did not think I'd ever write about the experience with my gender disappointment, but I feel more evolved and ok with admitting to it at this point. Of course when we lost Bremy, all I could think about was how foolish and selfish and childish I'd acted that day. I will never forgive myself for that behavior, but I've learned that it's all about learning from your past and becoming better.
I know I'm better now and I can't wait for this precious baby.