Rough

I'm posting  here to hopefully lift a load off of my shoulders and my heart. So many around me are going through difficult or stressful times and I don't want to unload even more on them. I'm just anxious, and maybe even a little depressed this week. Actually, I think terrified is the right word. I just feel paralyzed with fear every day right now. Every twinge, every feeling sends my mind into a tailspin of what-ifs. I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping it will ease my mind, but I'm also so worried about there being something wrong.

Luckily my appointment is first thing in the morning, so I wont be freaking out all day. It wasn't until last night that I had anything that made me think something was wrong. Things just felt different down there. No pressure or anything, just a strange feeling. When I laid down, the baby was kicking me or headbutting me right in the cervix and every time my heart just stopped. I remember this feeling right before I lost Bremy. Was it the baby moving, or was it something else? It was like a thumping feeling. Like knocking every couple minutes. Tears welled up as I just felt so helpless and so frustrated. I just want to know things are going to be ok.

Today I just keep sighing heavily. Even my coworker noticed I just seemed off. It's so hard to put on a happy face when your mind is elsewhere. There are other things going on with my family that are just bummers and some stress for B at work. All have been weighing on my mind.  I feel like I could burst into tears at any given moment and I just hate that feeling.

Luckily, I had a really easy day and work and was home early. I took Maverick on a quiet, slow stroll and soaked in some sunshine hoping to turn my day around.

I just hope things are looking good at my appointment tomorow. I know a good report will ease my mind for a few more days. Thank goodness they are seeing me every week, there's no way I could wait much longer for some reassurance. This is so hard.