Today

Today I am 22 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was on this gestational day, last time, that I was told I'd never carry my baby to term. I was told I was dilated and was not given a whole lot of hope or many options.

I will never forget walking back to the elevator of the Dr.'s office, in a blur of tears, calling my mom to tell her that I wouldn't be home for my baby shower. Calling my work to get my cases covered and of course calling B.

I remained hopeful for the next 11 days, but as you know at 23 weeks and 5 days we lost our precious girl.

I have to admit, if all is well at this appointment on Friday I will feel my first victory. The first time I can officially say, things are better this time around. I will feel the next victory when I open my eyes and feel a baby in my belly on the morning of 23 weeks and 6 days. I cannot wait to feel what it's like to be pregnant beyond the point where we lost our Bremy girl.

I readily admit that I watch a lot of the baby shows. From 16 and pregnant, to Pregnant in Heels it's so intriguing to see others deal with pregnancy, birth and parenting. Tonights episode of 16 and pregnant was emotional. The baby's daddy had passed away in a freak accident and then the young mom went into labor very early. I think her son was born at 33 weeks and was only 3lbs and in the NICU for a while. Do you know how amazing 33 weeks sounds to a mom who didn't make it to 24? And then to see this poor little baby struggling and so tiny made me realize how much time it really takes to cook a healthy baby.

I'll be happy with a living baby in my life, even if she comes too soon for everyone's liking, but I pray so hard that I make it to a point where we don't need NICU and don't have to endure a traumatic birth. I just pray we can skip that stress and worry. It's so hard to imagine what it would feel like to leave that teeny baby in the hospital and go home. I don't know if I'd be able to leave her. There are so many scenarios going through my head.

Right now I will take my victories as they come. Hopefully I'll be celebrating on Friday.