Now that I stare at my preliminary guest list, I almost feel ashamed. Where are my friends?! How do I only have one friend from college that I want at our wedding (aka MOH)? How on earth did that happen? I was in a sorority, I lived with the same roommate for three years, I made lasting friendships. Didn't I?
Photo by Gene Higa, courtesy of Project Wedding
The truth is, I didn't. When I moved away from the hustle and bustle of the San Diego scene, I realized that about three quarters of my "sisters" and school mates were glorified drinking buddies. The roommate who I thought was my most cherished friend slowly slipped away. I realized that we had created a mutually dependent relationship, and now that we didn't "need" each other, there was less to talk about from eight hours away. After a few unreturned emails and a horribly painful spring break visit, I decided to end our friendship. I've never ended a friendship in my entire life. The saddest part is that it didn't take much effort. She attempted to apologize for her behavior during our visit via-text messages. And when I didn't respond, that was it.
I try to stay strong when anyone suddenly realizes, "hey, whatever happened to you and B? God you guys were such great friends! Will she be in your wedding?". I have to take a deep breath and respond with, "We haven't spoken in over a year. I've cut ties with her and it's been for the best".
My heart breaks a little everytime I say it. I try to believe that statement, but there are times when I miss her dearly. We spent almost every moment together for four years and it is extremely difficult to admit that somehow after all that time, after all the laughter and all the monumental events that took place, it all adds up to nothing.
I realize that most will think: just call her, if you feel this way-start the communication to rebuild, do something, get her back. So trust me when I say it is much more complicated. Add the typical money, family, trust, health and maturity issues that any relationship encounters and multiply it by 100. If I could ensure that I could get her on the phone, without those outside issues coming into play, I would give anything. But somehow they are always there lurking.
photo: Amelia Lyon
I don't want these feelings to interfere with how genuinely happy I am with the amazing women that I still call my girlfriends. Most of them have been there since 2nd grade, they know me better than anyone, and they also understand exactly what went wrong with me and B. One of the reasons that I cut ties with so many of my superfluous friends was that I always knew who my real, true friends were. The best part: they'll all be there.